Chapter 36
Chapter Thirty-Six
Boreus and Auster, Autumn looked down into the bath and sighed, smiling just a little.
The world was softer now. It felt kinder, but that was probably just her.
Auster still hadn’t said the words, and another month had gone by.
They’d sparred and walked, talked in the dark and the light about everything; despite that, nothing had changed in him.
Which she’d known that was going to happen. But she had managed to force herself to ignore it for the last three months. Clinging to stupid hope and trying to be someone they could love. But it was looking more and more that she was simply going to be alone.
They had been called away to speak with Courage, which left Autumn alone in their house, trying to figure out what she should do with the last three months. She’d sworn that she wouldn’t run, and she wasn’t going to break that vow, but perhaps she should pull back a little.
It was possible that if she did, if she stopped being in their faces all the time, that they would come to their senses faster. If they told her they couldn’t love her, then she could go to Love and he would press her case with Light.
But until they went one way or the other, she was stuck, dangling in the middle. Autumn got out of the bath, drying herself and dressing. She hadn’t visited the Song for a while, so maybe she would go and see her friend.
She spent the rest of the day with the Song, singing with it, with the voice of the Mountain. The Song had missed her, singing to her of all the things it had seen, and how happy it was that she had come to visit.
When the sun set, Autumn sang her goodbyes and went back to their home on the rise. She wasn’t sure if they would be there, if they would come back, but she was forbidden to run, so she would go home and see what happened.
Auster and Boreus were both waiting by the door when she walked in. Auster was the first one to pull her in and kiss her before he passed her off to Boreus to do the same.
Autumn closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and shoved the fear and the pain down as far as they would go. “Welcome home.” Autumn managed the words and the smile that she knew they expected to see.
“Do you want to tell us why you’re afraid?” Boreus gave her a concerned look. “Or maybe why you’ve been so anxious for the last few months?”
“I’m alright,” she shook her head and turned away from him, only to come face to face with Auster. “Truly, I’m just?—”
Auster reached out and grabbed her chin with gentle fingers, pulling her towards him and into his arms. “Talk to us, Autumn.”
She shut her eyes. Leaning her head on his chest, and tried to tell him the truth without betraying her bargain. “I don’t know how much time I have with you.” She forced the words out. “How much time before something happens and you leave me?”
“Why would we leave?” Auster asked, sounding confused. “Where would we go?”
“That’s up to you,” Autumn said, forcing the truth back. “If you choose to leave, I will?—”
“Why would we leave, Autumn?” Auster demanded, voice harder.
“Because you don’t love me,” she backed away from him, forcing her feet to stop after she was out of their way. “It’s been three months, and nothing’s changed. Nothing I’ve done has changed how you feel, or how you see me. So how much longer do I have before you discard me?”
“Autumn—” Boreus’ voice cut through her words. “Where is this coming from? Why does three months matter?”
She shook her head, forcing the truth back again and headed for the kitchen. “I should make supper.”
“No,” Auster got in her way. “You should tell us the whole truth. Why are you so convinced we’ll leave?”
“Why would you stay?” She forced her voice to be steady. “Why would you stay with someone you can’t love?”
“And that’s the other thing.” He said. “Why do you assume you can’t be loved? Why do you immediately jump to the wrong conclusion every time?”
“Is it wrong if it’s true?”
“It’s not true,” Auster said, reaching for her and frowning when she skittered out from under his hand. “Autumn, come back here.”
“No,” she shook her head. “I can’t run, but I also can’t keep trying when it hurts like this.”
“You can’t?” Auster asked. “Is that why you’ve stayed?”
“I want to stay,” Autumn dropped her head, staring at the tops of her feet. “But I don’t know if you want me here, or if I’m just an obligation to you. If I’m just in the way when the person you truly want is out of reach.”
“I thought we were past this,” Auster sounded frustrated.
Autumn turned away, moving through the living room and into the smaller, spare bedroom, shutting the door behind her. She couldn’t run, but she could stop hanging on them, let them come to their senses and make a decision about what they wanted to do.
Someone knocked, but Autumn had locked the door, knowing that if they truly wanted to get to her, a door would not prove an obstacle.
She truly was a ridiculous person. Autumn sat there, on the edge of the spare bed and tried to reason with herself. They had the ability to walk away, but they hadn’t, which meant what?
They hadn’t left, but Auster didn’t love her. Which meant he was staying for Boreus. That made sense, Auster and Boreus had loved each other for eons. So if he couldn’t have Eleni, then he would take Boreus.
Autumn was just in the way. Yet again, she was just in the way.
It was only three more months, and the season was always turning in one corner or another of the time streams. She would focus on her duties, and let them be together.
She wasn’t running, by the terms of the bargain, and it would be a far better use of her time, than sitting here and feeling sorry for herself.
She got up, opening the door to the room and peeking out. The living room was empty, and the door to the larger bedroom was wide open. They’d left and Autumn was on the floor, pain crashing through her.
The night was almost gone by the time she managed to stuff everything back and get up. She would make them breakfast and then she would go and see to her duties. If they came back, they would have food and freedom.