Chapter 29
Rosie
Iwant to play with my chain and remember how Niki’s fingers grazed my neck. The burning in his eyes as he stared at me leaves me with questions I can’t ask.
He widens his thighs as he drives, and I’m drawn to watching. Is it really as big as he says?
“How are you feeling?” I ask as we travel along the country roads.
His knuckles are white as he grips the wheel. I don’t want to believe it’s anxiety or regret making him like this, but the panic creeps in. He used to have any woman he wanted, and I’m just me, someone who can’t even stop her daughter from having problems at preschool.
“Better,” he says eventually.
Tabi’s singing Disney songs from the backseat.
“Prince Charming?” Tabi says, making me giggle.
“Yes, Tabi.” Niki’s smile hits my heart.
“You don’t have to answer to that,” I whisper before saying louder, “His name is Niki, Tabi.”
“I like it. It’s nice to be a hero rather than a…” Niki trails off, and I’m conflicted. I want to hold him close but also whisper sir as I grind against him. Whatever word he was going to say, I want to tell him that’s not who he is.
“Who’s your favourite princess?” Tabi asks, oblivious to our conversation.
“That’s a good question.” His eyes flick back and forth between the road and his rearview mirror. “I don’t know many princesses, but I’m fond of Belle. She was lovely and beautiful.”
I rub my chain, and Niki catches my eye. His lips quirk to one side. There’s so much to unpack from that one stare.
“Who’s your favourite, Tabi?” he asks.
“I like Moana. She kicks bum and has the best songs.”
“Don’t say bum,” I say quickly. “It’s a naughty word.”
Bum, Niki mouths at me, and my body fires.
“I also like Ariel because she’s like me, but she didn’t have a mummy, and I don’t have a daddy,” Tabi says before singing a song from The Little Mermaid.
Niki glances at me. I should fill in the gaps, but I can’t with Tabi in the car. My legs tremble. I don’t want his judgement on my past, and I don’t want him to laugh at my lack of experience. I grit my teeth.
His hand brushes mine. He winks at me and mouths, Bum. My giggle slips free.
“What’s funny, Mummy?”
“Prince Charming is naughty. He’s saying rude words.”
“He’s very naughty,” Tabi says, and I turn around and catch her furrowed brow and pout.
“I’ll try to behave,” Niki replies before whispering in my ear, “for now.”
I shiver. I fucking want this man. I want to learn how naughty he can be.
Tabi sleeps softly in her car seat as we drive home from the dog shelter.
“She loved Graham, didn’t she?” Niki asks. His shoulders are relaxed compared with when he picked us up, and there’s a lightness to his words.
“She did. She needed that today. Thank you.”
“What’s happening at her preschool? You said something about other kids.”
I bite the inside of my mouth. “They talked about their daddies, and when she said she didn’t have one, they laughed at her.”
“I can tell them all to leave her alone. She’s adorable, even though she sings a lot.”
“You’d be more scared of ten little kids than they’d be of you.”
The warmth of his laugh is like hot chocolate on a snow day. “Yeah, you’re right. But I can chat to their parents. No one gets to be mean to Tabi or to make her mum sad. I’ll go all mumma bear if I have to.”
I shake my head and smile. “I’m imagining you with a stern face and a rolling pin.”
“Whatever gets you going, Rosie.” His deep voice causes an ache between my thighs. “Can I ask about her dad, or is that too personal? You can use the safe word if you’d rather not.”
I stare at him in the dusky light of the car. As much as I want to hide my history, I don’t want to hide anything from this man who faces his fears every time he touches me or lets me touch him. “It’s okay. Before university, I went on a rugby tour to Australia.”
“I’ve read your CV. You were team captain.”
“Yeah, I loved those days. We were good, really good. I wanted to attend university, get my psychology degree, and join the England women’s team. While on tour celebrating a win, the team and I partied.”
“Was there a lot of drinking?”
“They drank loads, but I only had enough to give me a buzz. I wanted to be sober enough to look after my team.”
“You’re always caring for others,” Niki says.
“Someone has to. It was the last couple of songs, and our team danced with a group of Australian players. I messaged Sasha, and she told me to grab one and go for it. Her words were, ‘What’s the worst that can happen?’ So I kissed a guy.
One thing led to another, and within an hour, I was having beach sex with some man I never got the name of.
I haven’t been able to tell him he’s her dad. ”
“Rosie,” he says softly.
“I know. I gave birth before Christmas in my first year of university.”
“To the most adorable and sweet girl in the world,” he says, and it’s like my soul blushes at the compliment. “How did you do it all? Studying for a degree while having a newborn?”
“A lot of it is a blur, but as soon as I held her, I vowed to move heaven and earth to give her a future. I stopped playing rugby when I realised I was pregnant and never returned. Sasha was incredible. My parents were okay. Everything changed, including me. I’m not the person I was.”
“Do you miss being that person? Do you still play rugby?”
Tabi gives a little snort between snores.
“I don’t have time. I miss enough sleep as it is.” My laughter fades. “I miss the person I could’ve been.”
“I understand that.”
I gaze at Niki. His backwards cap hides the scars I’ve only glimpsed in the moonlight, although his eyes held my focus that night.
Even now, I’m drawn to how they soften as I speak.
His fingers brush my thigh over my jeans.
It would be a bold move for anyone, but for a man scared of touch, it’s like he’s caressing my skin for his pleasure and mine.
“I miss playing rugby. My old team is partying in town next month to celebrate the end of the season. I might join them if I can find a sitter. It’s not playing a game, which is what I really miss.
Running that field, battling against opposition as people roar my name, and bringing my team together.
Nothing compares to seeing the try line and knowing I need to cross a couple of metres to win a whole game, even though those metres might involve my body getting bruised and destroyed by someone from another team.
I miss having those people on my side, no matter the enemy. ” I shake my head. “Sorry.”
Niki squeezes my thigh. “You don’t need to apologise.
That was so fu—” He glances in the rearview mirror.
“Nearly swore. I meant to say, that was visceral. I could taste the beer and the pies as you spoke, and I’ve only been to one rugby game.
I would have come to all of them and cheered you on, though. ”
“Whatever.” I elbow him.
“Honestly. I bet you were quite a sight.”
“A dirty sight.” I’m grateful the darkness hides my blushes. “Because of the mud, obviously.”
His mouth tilts up. “Obviously.”
“But now I have my nugget,” I reply, “and I wouldn’t change her for the world, even when I get no sleep and she stops me from learning what the world is like beyond the confines of Peppa Pig.”
“Hence the job?”
“Yes. I wanted to feel like me again. So much of being a mum is thinking you’re not good enough.
You don’t do enough activities or spend enough on their clothes.
You constantly compare yourself to other mums who seem more competent.
They’re not the ones arriving at preschool with yesterday’s make-up on and wearing a jumper you didn’t know was dirty, but I have skills beyond being a mum, and I wanted to use them. ”
“You’re incredible. You’ve changed my life in less than two months. I feel like the luckiest person in the world when I see you at your desk.”
My face heats.
“Can I ask you something weird?” Niki says.
“You might as well. I’ve told you nearly all my other secrets.”
“And I look forward to hearing the ones you haven’t shared.”
I swallow noisily and fiddle with his chain. I sense him shifting and licking his lips at my action.
Please don’t let me tell this beautiful millionaire that no one’s ever given me an orgasm.
“Your question,” I squeak.
“Can I hold your hand?”
My eyes widen.
“I’ve spent over a year not letting anyone touch me, but with you, I’m safe.
When I’m anxious, you listen, not fix me or ask for an explanation.
Although I’m scared, I crave physical intimacy, too.
” He’s babbling. I let him because he needs to say this.
“In summary,” he adds with an uncomfortable laugh, “can I hold your hand when I need touch?”
I hold out my hand and will it not to tremble, because this gorgeous, kind man feels safe with me, and that makes my heart glow. “You can anytime unless I say banana hammock.”
We stop under a streetlight. It highlights a wet sheen across his eyes.
“Thank you.” He shakily takes my hand. His skin is coarse, which I suspect is from repeated washing and cleaning.
“And if you want someone to look after Tabi, bring her to my house, and you can sleep in my bed—spare bed, obviously.”
“Obviously.” Although the heat between my thighs tells me I want to be in his bed, lying on his soft sheets, as he teases me with his touch. “But children have germs.”
“You deserve rest. And Graham, who we’ll collect in a couple of weeks, loves her.”
“Have you looked after a child before?”
“Nah, but there must be videos online about it,” he says, and the tension slides off us. “It can’t be that hard, right?”
We giggle until Tabi grumbles in her sleep. The music, still a collection of Disney princess songs he must have loaded onto his phone at the dog shelter, plays through the speakers. I shift slightly against the leather seat, but I refuse to move too much in case he lets go of me.
In the silence, his finger strokes the top of my hand.
I don’t know if he’s aware he’s doing it, but the heat of his skin radiates through my body.
I can’t be with him, and yet I briefly imagine this could be my life. Instead of my place, I imagine he’s driving us back to ours, where he carries me to his bed and gives me everything I’ve wanted.
He lets go of my hand and places it on his thigh. His muscles flex, and I resist the urge to squeeze them.
My fingers brush the chain, and he growls.
“I need both hands to drive. Take your hand back if you want.”
“No, I like this.”