Chapter 48
Niki
As soon as the food is in front of everyone, they stare at me. My heart thuds, and I pull on the back of my neck. I’d tap my cap in times like these, but I left it in my room for the same reason I need to talk to my family. It’s time to embrace my future.
But what if I’m not as improved as I believe? What if this triggers something?
Rosie squeezes my knee.
I take a breath and scan the expectant faces of my family.
“Eat then,” I crow.
I don’t do confrontation with my dad. I usually try to work things out behind the scenes, but it’s time I spoke to my parents about the last years, and with Rosie by my side, I’m sure I can.
They tuck into their meals as they study me. I push my vegetables around my plate to avoid eye contact. “Last year, when I left here and made Senna team boss, I flew to Greece and stayed in a villa for over eight months.”
“The whole time?” Senna asks.
I nod. “I didn’t leave my rented villa at all. I stayed safe and away from people.”
“Why?” Mum asks.
“Because I have health anxiety.”
Dad leans back in his chair. “But—”
My mum hushes him. “Please continue, sweetheart,” she adds with a soft smile.
“My health anxiety hasn’t gone away, although it’s better than it was. You think I ran away because of the crash and I was scared to drive. But it was what happened after, when I was in the hospital and I got that virus. I was sure I’d die. There were so many nurses and tubes and injections.”
My chest tightens as I attempt to breathe through the memories, but they keep coming.
“The smell of that place, the sound of those voices and people rushing around me as my temperature climbed and the virus ravaged me”—Rosie slides a finger across my knee under the table as I drop my head and count to five—“coupled with the after-effects of the virus, like fatigue and headaches—I was in a bad place. Then Dad had his heart attack, and I lost it. Once we knew he was okay, I travelled somewhere I could control and where people couldn’t make me ill again. ”
My mum covers her mouth, and Connor sits back and stares at me.
“But I continued to be terrified I’d get ill again.
I’d smell that place, and I’d have panic attacks.
I needed my villa deep-cleaned weekly, even though it was only me and the cleaners in it.
I’d constantly sanitise until my hands were red and raw.
The terror was beyond anything I’d experienced.
I’d had a relatively easy life doing what I wanted up until the crash, but suddenly every day was filled with panic that I’d never be okay again and one wrong move could drag me closer to illness and death. ”
Mum’s eyes brim with tears. Senna offers her a tissue as she dabs her own eyes.
“Is that why you haven’t wanted to hug me or others?” Senna asks, a tear rolling down her cheek. I nod. “I thought I’d done something to hurt you.”
I shake my head. “No, never. I couldn’t touch any of you without terror.”
“But you’re okay with Rosie,” Connor says, staring at where my hand intertwines with Rosie’s.
She pulls away, but I ease her back, and she relaxes against me.
“I went out one night towards the end of my time in Greece to a local bar, where I met her. I don’t know if it’s because she had no expectations of me or that she listened and cared in a way I hadn’t experienced in a long time, but she gave me the confidence to face some of my fears and return home. ”
“That was because of you?” Mum asks her.
“Yes. It was all her,” I confirm.
“I can’t thank you enough for bringing my Niki home,” Mum says between sniffles.
“Rosie helped me face some of the stuff I’ve needed to deal with this year. I’m seeing a counsellor, a psychologist, who’s made a massive difference, hence the haircut and lack of cap.” I rub my buzz cut, relishing its rough texture.
I look at my dad and freeze. His eyes are glassy with unspent tears.
“Dad?”
“I’m sorry, Niki.” He clears his throat and clenches his jaw. He clears his throat again. “I’m hard work.”
There are a couple of murmurs of agreement, which make him grumble.
“Listening to you talk reminded me that at the end of last season, I promised to be better, and sometimes I am, but other times, I’m a bit of a shit. I’ve acted like this partly because I knew this was my fault.”
I raise my brows as I wait for a punchline. I’ve rarely seen this side of my dad, but I’ve not been this vulnerable with him before.
His shoulders hunch. “I pushed you to race and take over the team last year. You struggled, but I thought if you kept going, you’d be okay. That’s what I’d always done, what most team bosses in F1 have always done and pushed their drivers to do.”
He glances at Senna, who smiles. “Not my girl, though. She cares about her drivers.”
Connor lifts her hand to his lips and brushes them against her knuckles. I’m still ridiculously jealous of those soppy bastards.
“I’m sorry for everything I did to make life worse for you.
I should have been someone you came to, not someone you had to run away from,” he continues, and I swallow the lump in my throat.
The revelation that I was so bad that even Dad noticed has me fiddling with the beaded bracelet in my pocket.
“And although it’s no excuse, I’ve struggled since giving up the team.
I felt like I’d lost my value and wasn’t the man I used to be.
I took my insecurities, my shit, out on you and your sister. ”
“But we’re working on it, aren’t we, Jim?” Mum says.
His face softens as he turns to her and kisses her forehead. “Yes, we are, sweetheart. Therapy’s helping.”
Senna gasps. “You’re in therapy?”
“Yes. It worked for you and Connor.” He brushes over the therapy part.
Therapy is rarely discussed in Formula One. You watch people nearly lose their lives, and then you dust yourself off and continue the business as if nothing happened. Maybe my dad needed to leave F1 to realise that he’d nearly broken his children with his obsession with the racing business.
With a tentative smile, he adds, “And I’m learning to fly a plane, which helps my adrenaline junky needs.” I nearly choke on my wine. He turns to Rosie. “Thank you for being there for him when I wasn’t. You must be okay.”
“She’s an angel,” I say, and Rosie’s eyes sparkle as she gazes at me. That look floors me.
“And make sure you go to HR if you’re…you know,” he mutters.
“Someone get food in my belly,” Connor announces.
Dad side-eyes Connor, who winks at me from behind his hand when Dad adds, “Let’s finish dinner. Some of you have a race tomorrow, and my wife wants to hear all about Rosie’s daughter. We’d better swap seats.”
“I’d like to meet her one day as well,” Mum says when Dad stands.
I can’t believe I finally shared my secret shame. My revelation has brought us together because of Rosie, who rushes to Mum’s side and flicks through her phone. They giggle over photos.
She looks up at me and beams.
And there goes my heart again.