Chapter Thirty-Eight
Iswear Henley went and begged the Pres for us to move in asap, because the next afternoon we received a call to say my room was ready.
That left me to sit and stress about whether she’d go with me.
After all was said and done, this move was more permanent than our current situation, so did that mean the rules would change?
Temporary cohabitation was one thing, but if we moved into my room at the clubhouse together, that was a more permanent one.
Would it even be enough for her? She deserved luxury like this, not a one bed flat in a biker clubhouse.
“Our room’s ready,” I said to Henley as he joined me in his living room, dropping onto the other sofa with his drink. Claudia was working in his office, since he’d offered for her to use it, and Glory was in her art studio, so it was just us.
“Yeah? That’s cool.”
Shifty fucker. I could see it in his eyes. This was his doing, but who could blame him for wanting us out? We were a real pain in his ass last night.
“Sorry again about last night. Bet that’s why you wanted us out so fast.”
Henley shrugged a shoulder. “It’s about damn time the place was ready. Did you all just sit on your asses while I was gone?”
“I’m just saying, thanks for everything, but I know we drove you mad last night, so I get it.”
“Brother, you’re not hearing me. Yes, you were a fucking nightmare last night, but it’s okay. I get it. I’ve been known to be rowdy at nights too-”
“Ugh, stop talking-”
“- and we knew the clubhouse was going to be ready soon. Probably sooner if I’d been here, but whatever.”
I grinned at him, because this wasn’t going anywhere, but at the same time, I felt like we’d connected in a way we hadn’t really in the past. I’d tried, but I wind people up, and he’d tried, but I thought he was a pretentious twat, so it’d never really gone well.
“You guys didn’t fuck on my kitchen counters, right?”
Huh? Record scratch moment. Did he really just ask that? And wow, how did we not fuck anywhere other than the bed?
“The… what?”
He smirked. “Just need to know if I’m stripping the counters out and redoing the kitchen.”
“Well, we did it in the sink, on top of that fancy coffee machine, and oh… in the dishwasher.”
He tossed a cushion at my head.
“Dickhead. You’re kidding about the sink, right? How the fuck would that even work?”
I leaned back in my seat, feeling like a fucking man for once, because I was having sex banter with one of my brothers, and I actually knew what I was talking about now. I wasn’t just bullshitting. I had real experience. Not that I’d tell him stuff about Claudia, but this banter felt right now.
“Brother, if you don’t know, I can’t teach you that. I will say it’s all about the angles.”
“Prick.”
I sobered, as reality landed on me again.
Why did asking her if she was moving to the clubhouse with me feel like a mountain I couldn’t even see the top of?
If she said no now, and went to living separately from me, I think I’d wither away and die.
Like when animals pine away after they lose their owners. Shit. She literally owns me.
“If you’re plotting to do stuff on my counters, I’ll kick your ass,” Henley said, watching me closely enough to know that I was freaking out instead. He was giving me an out, but also opening the door to a chat. Hell, I’d had this guy all wrong, hadn’t I?
“I misjudged you. Hell, I think I pre-judged you. I think I’ve been a bit of a dick my entire life.”
He practically recoiled, both hands going up in front of him.
“Whoa. I feel like this is a hallelujah moment.”
“Bite me.”
Henley grinned, getting up and leaving the room, which seemed a little rude, but when he returned with two open beers, I got it. We were having some kind of guy talk now.
“I think you can be a bit abrasive, Stag, but I don’t take it to heart. I think you’ve mellowed a lot since you met that lovely lady, so… let’s try talking without you being a dick. I know you can do it.”
I’m glad he’s so certain, because I could already feel myself getting defensive, and that’s usually when my dickish self made an appearance.
“I can see you fighting it. Already you’re so fucking different, man.”
Hell. What can’t this fucker see?
“I’m freaking out about her not wanting to go with me.”
His eyebrows lifted and he simply said ‘oh’.
It was weird in some ways to be able to talk about this with the woman in question in the house, and potentially able to walk in on us, but since I was facing away from the doorway, she’d never catch my words, and maybe that’s what I needed right now.
The freedom to talk without fear of being overheard by the one person I was desperate not to upset.
“Like being here has been amazing. I feel like I’ve found where I’m meant to be, you know? Don’t panic, I don’t mean your posh ass house, I mean with her.”
Henley snorted, lifting his beer for a quick gulp.
“You were doing so well. I get it though. See, I’m smart enough to understand subtext and all sorts. You can just continue.”
I held back on calling him a prick, which felt like personal growth, so I rewarded myself with a gulp of beer. It was a bit early in the day, I suppose, but it felt like the right drink for the moment.
“I feel like I waited my whole life for her. Like she’s the reason why nobody else…
fuck.” I nearly fucking told him the virgin thing.
Maybe not overtly, but he just said he can pick up the subtext, so shit, did he already know?
I could feel my cheeks burning, so that’s great.
Almost blurt it out and then blush about it like a school girl.
He just nodded, maybe taking the words at face value, and saving me from being outed as a pussy.
“Yeah, you tend to piss women off, I get it. She saw you, man. She saw who you are without all that bullshit you spout, and that’s what makes her a keeper. She’s the only one.”
“Fuck you.”
He was right though. She’d never even hesitated. Everyone else had. Everyone else saw the me that I kept projecting, like a shield to protect me from rejection, but she saw beyond that.
“You love her.”
“Duh. She said she loves me too.”
He grinned widely.
“For the record, it’s literally written all over your faces. We can see the love. I’m happy for you, brother. You deserve that. So what’s got you shitting it? You think she’ll say no to going with you?”
Smug fucker. Always seems to figure shit out when I don’t want him to, but isn’t this what I needed? Someone who’d pick up on the facts even when I’m leaning back into my old ways?
I gulped about half of the beer and twisted the bottle in circles in my hands, rolling it against my palms.
“I guess it seems like a more permanent thing, right? Like it’s not just us shacking up at a friend’s place for a few days, waiting out a situation. This is more like a forever kinda move. What if she doesn’t want that?”
Claudia
Ihad an email from Marissa, sent from the facility she’d been delivered to by the Bennett guys’ doctor, wherever that was.
It was brief, and sent from a hospital email address, but it was something.
It made me cry, but also gave me a little hope, even as much as I was still cautious about trusting her. Maybe I’d get her back one day.
Claud,
I’m settled in here, and the therapists are confident they can help me. Confident, but not certain. Apparently a lot of it is down to me. Yay.
Still, since I’ve been given five minutes to check in with my loved ones, and you’re the one I hurt, I just wanted to let you know I’m okay, but more importantly, I’m sorry.
I don’t fully understand what went wrong with me, but I think I get now that I went off the rails. I’m not allowed to say that to them, because apparently it’s ‘not helpful’, but it’s what happened. My god, I tried to kill us both.
I’m learning a lot about myself already, like how being a twin made this worse. That doesn’t mean I’m blaming you, just I think I haven’t been a whole person. That sounds weird, but I’m working on it.
I’ll stay away. I won’t bother you. I have to call mum and dad, and let them know I’m here. I don’t know if you’ve told them, but it’s not a call I’m looking forward to. Be as honest as you need to with them. It’s all my fault. I understand that much.
When I’m calm, I’m accepting that, but when I get stressed out, it all comes back. They say it takes time.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I’m sorry. Please relay that to your biker too. All of them. I won’t be your problem anymore. Maybe one day I can be your sister again though.
I love you.
Mar x
There was something so distant about the way she sounded in her email, but in some ways it was a relief, because there was no anger or hatred.
Just sincerity. In the short while she’s been wherever she is, they’ve clearly spent some time with her and got her thinking a little more clearly, although that could just as easily be medications to calm her.
My god, the idea of my twin sister being in some place like that, being medicated to control her, made my stomach hurt.
I wrapped my arms around it, trying to soothe the dull emptiness, but it wasn’t a physical thing, it was my soul hurting for her.
It was me realising that my twin was having psychiatric treatment because she’d lost it. Maybe had some kind of mental break.
I didn’t even realise tears were running down my cheeks until a soft hand touched my shoulder, and I spun in the chair with a gasp.
“Sorry, babe, I… Jesus, what’s wrong?” Stag tugged me out of my chair and wrapped his arms around me, holding me as I sobbed against his chest again.
He must be getting so tired of me being such a mess.
He hadn’t signed up for all this. He’d just wanted a girlfriend, love, sex, all the things that we had already, but all this extra trouble and angst. Men don’t want those things.
They want easy and straightforward. They want the good without the bad.
Isn’t that why so many women are deciding to manage alone?
“I… I’m sorry.”
Stag twirled us slowly, dropping onto Henley’s spare chair, with me straddling his lap, something I couldn’t do in the main chair, which had solid leather arms. That’s why I’d used this one. I liked sitting cross legged while I worked.
“Babe, the only reason you need to be sorry is because you’re stuck with this bellend. What’s happened? Can I help?”
I wordlessly pointed at the screen, at Marissa’s email, and he frowned, using his feet to tug the chair closer to the desk again.
“Ah fuck,” I saw him say before his head turned enough that I knew he was reading, and I wouldn’t catch any words he uttered until he turned again.
He took a while reading it, which I took to mean he was rereading it, rather than struggling to absorb her words.
I literally felt his chest move as he heaved a sigh when he turned back to me.
“It sounds like she’s trying,” he finally said, raising his eyebrows at me questioningly.
“I want to think she is,” I said, glancing at the screen again, another wave of sadness crashing over me, “we used to sometimes feel when the other was hurting or upset, but I feel like we’ve been disconnected for so long now. I miss that closeness.”
Stag rubbed my shoulders as I spoke, his brown eyes filled with the same sadness I felt. He didn’t look angry or like he hated her right now. He just looked like he felt my pain. Maybe I’d lost that connection with her, and gained a new one with him.
“Can I ask you something?”
He nodded, his hands gliding up my neck to cup my cheeks in a gentle, but warm, grip.
“Are you taking me with you when you leave here?”
His mouth dropped open, and he blinked rapidly. “Uh… is that what you want?”
Oh hell. I was being a little coy just then, or so I thought, but now I wondered if I’d pushed things too far with him. Surely he still wanted me, right?
“Is it not what you want?”
Stag suddenly started to laugh, and for the millionth time, I wished I knew how it sounded. Was it rich and warm, or low and raspy? Was it infectious? I felt like it must be, because my lips were twitching and I could feel giggles rising, until I was laughing with him.
“Why are we laughing?” I finally asked and he leaned forward to press his lips against mine.
“Because for the millionth time, you just took all the fear out of everything for me. I’ve been shitting it wondering if you want to come with me. Praying you do. Desperate to keep you. And then you just pipe up and put it right out there for us to discuss. Thank fuck you’re so direct.”
He looked like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders, in fact, for the first time really since I’d known him, he looked like nothing was troubling him at all. Stag at peace is beautiful. He looks almost youthful and boyish, even though I know he’s all man.
“So you want me to move in with you at the clubhouse? For us to be together always?”
He tugged my face closer, kissing me again.
“Always, babe. You and me. This was meant to be, right? It feels like you’re mine, even though I know you could do better. Yes, I want you to move in with me. Today. Is that too soon?”
“Today? The clubhouse is ready?” It couldn’t be, even yesterday we were still painting rooms, and carpets were still being laid.
“Our room is. We can move in today. Is that okay?”
“God yes!”