Chapter 12 #3
“Christian,” she sings, jogging back up the steps onto the patio.
“You really like it?”
Lana reaches the top and jumps, her limbs wrapping around my body. I hesitate at first, blinking before I realize… I’ve made her incredibly happy today. I did something good for her today.
I wrap my arms around her tightly and bury my face into her neck. Lana peppers kisses up and down the curve of my neck. “I love it,” she whispers. “I love it.”
Lana pulls back and I hold her with my hands under her ass while her hands hold my face, a smile on her lips. I feel silly about it, but I’m proud of myself today. No words, just actions. Something to make her smile like this. Something good to give her.
“I— I love…” Lana breathes, her thumbs caressing my cheekbones, up and down.
My lips part, the hitch in my breath audible to the both of us, and I blink. “I— I love you, Lana.”
“I know.” She smiles. “Thank you for this. It really does mean a lot.”
“Better than words?”
Lana nods. “Yeah. I do like some of your words though.”
I kiss her left dimple. “I love you.” I kiss her right dimple. “I love you.” I kiss the tip of her nose. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”
Lana chuckles. “Okay, okay. Put me down.” Chuckling to myself, I set her down gently. “You make me feel like a teenage girl sometimes I swear. Come inside, Grace and I cooked us dinner.”
I smile. “Okay.”
I follow Lana inside and sit beside her as we eat dinner. And as we sit at the island together, I practice the things my therapist told me. Live in the present. Leave the past where it is.
I’m working on leaving the past where it is, because it has no business being here. Not anymore. Not with her.
My hands are shaking too hard and the key can’t find where it needs to go, it’s just scratching against the metal.
I give up and let the keys fall from my hand. I pound on the door with the sides of my fists. “Baby,” I slur. “Baby, please. Open the door, baby. Babyyyyy. Ba—”
The door opens and I fall right in, smile on my face. “Baby! Hey—”
“Get up,” she says in a voice that can scare a line of soldiers into standing tall.
I push myself up and crawl far enough into the apartment to close the door, and sit back against it. I watch Lana walk away from me, into our bedroom, throwing a book aside. She’s mad—she’d never treat her books like that. Ever.
I love her. My girl and her books. I love her.
“Lana! Lana, come back baby.”
She comes back out of the bedroom, her face red and seething, but she’s so goddamn pretty I have to smile. “Baby,” I whine. “You’re so pr—”
“Get your ass up, Christian!” Lana shouts and walks into our bathroom.
The pipes hum in the bathroom just as I get myself onto my feet, groaning loudly. I try not to trip over myself as I toe off my shoes. The water is running, Lana is still in the bathroom, and I hope she’s naked and her cheeks are flushed waiting for me.
I stagger into the bathroom, pulling off my shirt before the sleeve gets stuck on my elbow. I laugh. “Baby, help. I want to kiss you.”
Her warm hands are on my skin pulling off the rest of my shirt and I smirk when she comes into view. Fully clothed. I take off my pants because, well, nakedness. Then I’m naked and she says, “Get in the shower, Christian.”
I smirk. “Are you getting in with me?”
“Get. In.”
I smile. “Okay.”
It takes a lot of effort to focus on my legs, to bend my knees over the lip of the tub. I stand, close my eyes, and step under the spray. “What the fuck?”
I spit the water out of my mouth, push back my hair, and take a step back. “Lana, what the fuck? It’s freezing!”
Her nostrils flare and she steps into the tub in her lounge shorts and tank top.“You’re asking me, what the fuck?”
Lana shoves my shoulder and pins me back against the cold tile wall. Her hand holds my chin tightly as she says, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing, Christian?”
I try to pay attention, I do. I try to stay awake, try to feel sober. The cold water only opened my eyes, but I can’t…
Her hand comes across my cheek, making it sting as I come to. “Answer me!”
“Lana—”
“You are not going to keep doing this,” she rasps. “You don’t come into this house, drunk off your ass, after wetting your fucking pants in the hall!”
Her voice fades into echoes…
Her hand slaps my cheek again, waking me up, the sting worse than the last one.
“I am talking to you!”
“Lana, baby—”
Lana releases my chin and steps out of the tub. She drops my towel on the counter and walks out of the bathroom, the door slamming loudly behind her. Loud enough to make my heart skip and my body jump, slightly sobering me.
“Fuck.” My head falls back and thuds against the wall.
I take a shower under the cold water and punish myself. I wash my hair, wash the smell off my body, and get out. I dry off, brush my teeth, gargle mouthwash, and wrap the towel around my waist before I open the bathroom door. The living room and kitchen are empty. Quiet. Dark.
“Lana,” I rasp, and I hear the choking coming from the bedroom.
I sigh, raking my fingers through my hair and tighten my towel before I go into our bedroom. She’s packing, I know. I don’t have to walk in to know it. But I still freeze because I can’t see it. I don’t want to see it.
I take a deep breath and walk into our room. Lana is on her side of the bed, curled up under her yellow throw blanket, quiet. Slowly, I go to that side of our bed and sit at the edge, just in the space where her body curves. “Lana,” I whisper.
Tears roll down her face, sideways. One tear leaves her left eye just to fall into the right. She blinks and just stares ahead at the wall. Emotionless.
“Lana, I’m sorry.”
She stares and stares. “Lana—”
Lana gets up, hitting my shoulder on purpose in the process. I remain seated and she paces in front of me. “I don’t know what you expect of me.”
“I don’t… Lana, you—”
She stands in front of me, her face red, her eyes broken, her voice hoarse, with her finger in my face. “I deserve better from you!”
I shake my head and quietly disagree. “You deserve better than me, Lana.”
“No,” she snaps. “I deserve you, I want you. But I deserve better from you. I know you love me, because you do—I know. But this… Christian, this isn’t you. And it’s beyond the point of blaming your father.”
“I know,” I breathe.
“Do you? You promised! You made a promise you’d try!”
“I did—I did try!” I stand. “I did try, baby,” I croak, breaking. “It’s hard and I hate it and when I stop, I want to die.”
I shouldn’t have said that because now she’s crying harder.
And she’s walking away. “I can’t,” she whispers and her voice cracks. “I can’t. I’m… I’m gonna shower.”
“Lana.”
She’s gone in a second and the pipes are humming again.
If Lana told me, to my face, that sometimes she wants to die, I wouldn’t want to take a shower. I’d want to kill the things that are trying to kill her. But realistically, I’d probably take a long drive. Shower. Go to the gym and punch a bag.
If she told me, to my face, that she wanted to die, I would want to die too.
Lana is in the shower, probably thinking the same thing.
I go back to the bathroom and the door is closed. My hand moves slowly as it wraps around the handle, and I’m waiting to find it locked, but when I turn it, it opens. I step into the steamy room, and hear her sobbing over the water.
I leave my towel on the toilet and pull the shower curtain enough to get in with her. “Get out,” she sobs.
“Lana,” I whisper and my hands find her waist. They glide over her skin until my hands are splayed over her stomach and I’m pressing my chest into her back.
“Leave me alone right now,” Lana croaks. “I don’t…I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“I know.” My jaw trembles. “I know, baby. Please just…” I put my forehead to the top of her head. “Please don’t leave me.”
“Christian—”
“No, Lana, please. Don’t leave me. I’ll do it, okay? I’ll get sober. I’m going to. Just please, don’t leave me. Let me prove myself. Please,” I cry. “Please. Please, baby, I’m sorry.”
I feel her body heave against mine and hear her breathing shudder. Then she turns in my arms and my hands are splayed on her spine. Her slender arms wrap around neck, and I don’t know how she can stand to, but she looks at me.
“Christian,” she cries. “I love you.”
“I love you.”
“But you’re hurting me,” Lana whispers. “You’re hurting us, but mostly, you are hurting yourself. And I can’t—I won’t let you hurt yourself.”
“Okay,” I breathe.
Lana shakes her head. “I love you. But ‘okay’ is not enough today, Christian.”
“I’m done,” I say.
“You said that last time.”
“I’m done. For real, baby, I promise,” I rasp. “Tomorrow…Stay home with me. Just stay home with me.”
“You want me to call out?”
“I don’t…” I sigh. “Lana, it’s hard.”
“I know.”
“It’s hard to stop and tomorrow…I won’t drink. But I just…”
“Okay,” Lana breathes. “I’ll call out. I’ll stay home.”
I sigh and drop my forehead to hers. My shoulders relax. “I love you, Lana.”
“I know.”
“Please,” I croak. “Don’t leave me, baby. I know you should. I know you want to. I know—”
“You don’t know shit,” she whispers and brushes her lips over mine. “I don’t want to leave you. I want to help you.”
I nod. “Okay. Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Okay.”Her fingers are in my hair and her nails gently scratch, and I shudder, trying to keep myself together. “Lana.”
“I know,” she whispers. “Please. I’m trying. But it’s you and me, I can’t be the only one trying.”
“You won’t be—You aren’t. I promise. It’s you and me, Lana.”
“These are big promises I’m expecting to be kept,” she says.
“They will be.” I brush my lips over hers. “I love you. I love you, Lana. I love you so much.”
I kiss her because she lets me, because I want to. Because I need to. Then she moans and pulls me in a bit closer. But I push until she against the slippery wall, and lift her.
Lana wraps her legs around me. “Christian.”
I kiss her and kiss her and kiss her. I kiss her cheeks and her neck, her clavicles, her breasts. I lick and suck her nipples, and when she reaches between us to wrap her hand around my dick, she strokes me slowly before she lines me up with her.
And when I push in, it just feels different.
This time, when I’m inside of her, it feels… scary. Like I know I might lose her so I have to take my time. And I do. I hold her to me tightly so she doesn’t slip but I hate this. This isn’t something for a shower wall. So I turn off the water and take us out of it.
I lay her down on our bed and her moan is breathy and quiet when I’m on top of her. And for a moment, it feels okay—we feel okay. I feel okay, but I know I’m not. So I just stretch out this moment, drown in her, and tell myself we’re okay. That I’m okay. And I’ll get better.