Chapter 40
CHAPTER FORTY
boston
I didn’t rest. Not for one fucking second. My eyes are burning from the lack of sleep. I’m disoriented, miserable, and probably going to hell. I missed my flight, too. It’s been a bad start to the day. I hope this morning is not an omen for what’s to come.
I showered twice, yet I still smell her all over me. Like flowers and lemons. I can still feel her soft skin against my palms, her breathy curses ringing in my ears, and her mouth saying all the things that make me do all the things I shouldn’t do.
The guilt I feel cannot be put into words.
I’m sick about it. I heard Fork knocking on my door this morning, but I ignored him until he gave up, believing that I had already left.
I need a second, just a second before I face him again.
There are very few things that Forker will not forgive.
This is the big one. This may be the only one.
I don’t know how to come to terms with that.
When I finally make it down to the lobby, half of the wedding party is by the doors.
Cursing inwardly, I force a half-smile and toss on my sunglasses before any of them can see the bags under my eyes and start asking questions.
Sure, it could just be a hangover, but Lowesy has a keen eye for any sign of trouble when it comes to his friends.
“Hey!” Declan greets me with surprise, hopping to his feet. He scans my face, sensing something’s off, but pulls me into a hug anyway. “Fork said you’d already left. You had the early flight.”
“Missed it,” I grumble.
Lowesy barks out a laugh, slapping me on the back. “I’d offer you a ride back to Pittsburgh, but we don’t leave for a few days.”
He and Penny are staying to spend more time with the crew. Caulfield, too. They’ll probably enjoy that lakehouse without the pressure of a wedding looming over their shoulders. I glance around but don’t see Caulfield or Saltzy. EJ is here, though, still looking like a kicked puppy.
Maybe Caulfield won’t be staying after all.
Lowesy follows my gaze, a long breath leaving his nose. This is the kind of tension that’s going to stick for a while and hit them all where it hurts.
I think of what I’ve done.
It could be worse, EJ. Much worse.
“I’ve got to take off.”
“Woah,” Declan says, holding my arm to prevent me from leaving. “You aren’t skipping The Goodbye Parade, are you?”
My brows shoot up. “The what now?”
He grins, like he already knows this is going to be hell for me. “Crew tradition. You can’t leave the city without saying goodbye to everyone. You’re lucky that Fork, Lemmy, and the boys have already left or you’d be here for another thirty minutes.”
“Can’t I just…wave?”
“Nope,” he says, hauling me toward the crowd.
I spy multiple hungover, ghastly faces plastering on smiles as if they aren’t trying to keep their breakfasts in their stomachs.
This has been a long week for all of us.
I don’t think I have been drunk so frequently since I was a rookie. “Boss is leaving, everyone!”
Penny is first. She strolls up to me, her long blonde hair in a high ponytail.
She looks exhausted, but happy. So happy.
It’s all over her. She smiles, angling her head in the way that always reminds me that we may not have the same relationship that she does with Fork, but she still loves me.
She opens her arms, and I walk into them without question. I’m used to her hugs now.
“Thank you for everything,” she says quietly, rubbing my shoulders. “You are such a good friend to him—to us.”
I swallow, glancing up at Dec over her shoulder.
Good friend. Right.
He smiles, dipping his chin. If only he knew.
“My absolute pleasure, Mrs. Lowes,” I tell her, gently patting her back. “I’ll see you guys at home, alright?”
She pulls back with an extra squeeze, and the line continues. Seth, Tiffany, her fiance, Lauren and her husband, Aura, Avery, and looking a little worse for wear, EJ. He shoots me a look of pained gratitude before he hugs me, remembering our chat outside of that bathroom.
“Give it a minute, alright?” I murmur, and he lets out this little breath that makes me worry. Like he’s going to break. I don’t like that. Wyatt is eventually going to go back to Pittsburgh and that distance will make this fight much worse if they don’t sort it out. “It was one mistake, Eej.”
“A bad one,” he grumbles, but he hugs me a bit tighter at the same time. At some point, I’ve created a camaraderie with Dalton. Like two scorned puppies at the back of a kennel.
I pull back. “Which you feel horrible for. Give him a minute to get his thoughts sorted.”
He sniffs, crossing his arms in front of his chest, but manages a nod. I pat his shoulder, glancing discreetly at Lowesy instead. I gesture toward the exit, and he gets the hint. He follows me out to my rental car after one last awkward goodbye to everyone.
“If Wyatt doesn’t come around before he leaves, you need to talk to him,” I tell Dec, and his brow furrows.
I know we’re not supposed to get involved in crew business, but this involves Saltzy, too.
“EJ isn’t going to survive being away from him if they’re still fighting. I’m worried about him. Talk to Wyatt.”
Lowesy stares at me. “Wyatt loves that guy more than anyone on this planet.”
I lean against the door. “Saltzy or Eej?”
“Both,” he says. “It’s going to take him a second to reconcile the fact that EJ could do that to him.”
“He…” I stop myself. I promised EJ I wouldn’t say anything.
“I know what happened,” Declan confirms with a dip of the chin, “but Wyatt would have put someone six feet under for what EJ did to Cap. He’s struggling with feeling that anger toward his number one.”
I let out a long breath, knowing exactly why I’m worrying about this so deeply. If EJ can’t get forgiveness from his best friend for trying to defend him, there is no fucking way I’m getting forgiveness for what I’ve done. I can’t admit what that might mean for me.
“I’ll keep an eye on it,” Lowesy promises, slapping me on the shoulder. “Thanks for looking out for him.”
My throat is suddenly very dry. “I’ll see you in a few days.”
“Have a safe flight, man.”
I think about EJ the whole way to the airport and as I drop off the rental car.
I think about the betrayal Wyatt must feel knowing that his best friend would willingly hurt him like that without a second thought.
I think about how stupid I am for not taking one look at that situation and realizing how bad the fallout could be if I acted on what I wanted.
She wasn’t a mistake. She was just…inevitable. Necessary. Unavoidable. I probably should have approached the whole situation differently, maybe sat Fork down and told him that I’m interested in her. That, at some point, things shifted. I should have done this anyway besides the way I did it.
But he knows my game. He knows I have no intentions of dating, marrying, or being a permanent fixture in anyone’s life—even her. He would have shot that down immediately, and then what? I eventually cave anyway, and now it’s worse, because he deliberately told me no?
My head is fucked.
My heart? In the shredder.
I check my luggage and head to my gate. Tiny little airport, not many places to go.
I’ll say this about small, Canadian towns, they tend to leave us hockey players alone.
They let us exist. I’ve been stopped a few times since touching down here, but have been more or less unbothered apart from some waves and knowing smiles.
I’m looking for a seat next to an outlet when I hear a voice that makes me stop dead in my tracks.
“Is that world-famous defenseman, Boston Black?” I freeze, slowly turning around to find Ariana Forkerro tucked into a chair, pink headphones dangling around her neck. She flashes a tired smile. “Word on the street is that he had a really long night.”
My heartbeat picks up. Her admitting that, saying it out loud, sends my anxiety through the roof. I shoot her a very clear look of warning, only refraining from shushing her because I don’t spot Carter or Arden anywhere in the vicinity.
She catches my wandering eyes. “Relax, they’re grabbing food.”
I sigh, dropping into the seat across from her. I find the will to meet her eyes, and I try not to read into the look there. The smugness, the triumph, the absolute pleasure that I’m losing my everloving shit right now and she’s just…fine.
I run a hand over my face.
“Your flight left at six.”
I drop my hand. “Yeah. Didn’t sleep much. I missed it.”
Her lip twitches upward. “Me neither.”
“Ari—”
“Flight 243?” she asks and I freeze. How hadn’t I put that together? I missed my flight, she’s at my fucking gate, and we’re in a tiny, isolated Canadian city. There won’t be many flights going our way. We’re on the same damn one. With her brother. “I call that fate.”
I call it karma.
I hear a loud, booming cackle and my gaze flickers over her shoulder. Carter trudges toward our seats, armed with plenty of snacks. “No shit. You missed your flight?”
I take one look at him and something in me dies. Maybe all the morally good parts of me. One of my closest friends. A guy who has had my back through thick and thin, on and off the ice. A guy I stabbed in the back just hours ago. Twice. Three times if you count the bathroom incident.
His eyes twinkle when he reaches me, genuine excitement that I’m here.
“Yeah,” I say quietly as I stand. He slaps his hand into mine and tugs me to his chest. I eye Ariana over his shoulder, curled up on that chair, eyes daring me to make it any more obvious that something has changed.
I clear my throat, pulling away. “I need a coffee.”
Arden smiles in greeting. I give her shoulder a little pat as I move to pass her, like an awkward idiot who wants to be anywhere else besides with these three people.
“I’d love a coffee!” Ariana says, jumping to her feet like I invited her along.
Lord, give me strength.
“Ari,” Carter warns, dropping into the seat I had just been occupying.
I glance back at her, waiting for her now. What else am I supposed to do?