Chapter 10
Sebastian
After Emma walks out, I struggle to breathe. I walk to the patio, taking in deep gusts of the cool early morning air until I feel steadier.
All I can think is, “Emma can’t leave. She’s the one who stays.”
Other people leave all the time, and I let them.
My parents fly in and out of my life, dropping in just long enough to share their dysfunction. When they finally go, I’m mostly relieved.
And then there’s the entire concept of filming a movie, which is based around coming together in the most intense way possible, creating a different kind of codependent family for a few months before disbanding forever, everyone moving on to the next project.
I’m used to it now. In many ways, I relish the ever-changing variety.
It wasn’t always that way. When I was new to the industry, that cycle devastated me.
It’s embarrassing how needy I was when I was a kid.
It’s no wonder child stars are so fucked up.
Adulation from strangers rains down. If you aren’t careful, you can drown in it.
I almost did. But at the same time, I hoarded every drop of proper care, genuine affection like water in a desert.
Eventually, I grew up.
People move in and out of my life. The hangers-on leave when favors stop and the party ends. Even real friends get busy and move on. It’s normal.
Except it didn’t feel like that when Emma said those two words that realigned my world.
I can’t imagine a day without her.
“What are you doing out here?” Allegra’s voice carries to me on the wind.
I turn to see my beautiful… What is she to me? Girlfriend isn’t right. We’ve never clarified exactly what we are, beyond two people who conveniently play a role in each other’s lives.
“How did you get my passcode?” I ask her bluntly. “I never gave it to you.” I’d been too distracted to ask her earlier. But now I want to know.
“I watched you punch it in last week,” she says.
“I thought it would come in handy one day. To surprise you. Most men enjoy finding a beautiful woman waiting for them in their bed.” She smiles winningly.
“It’s sweet you’ve been so respectful and that we’ve taken things slow, but it’s way past time, don’t you think?
” She tilts her head and caresses the top of her bra peeking out from her low-cut dress, reminding me of what I’ve been missing.
When I don’t react, don’t reach out for her, uncertainty flashes over her face, just for a second, and I feel like the worst kind of ass.
That’s the problem. I’m not missing anything. I feel even more alone, empty, when I’m with Allegra than when I’m by myself. She doesn’t gentle my worst tendencies or call me on my shit. She doesn’t inspire me to be the best version of myself. The version of me who’s… content… to just be.
Allegra prefers to see and be seen. She wants to hit every party.
She says we look amazing together, and we should flaunt it.
Tells me it’ll be good for our careers. We just have nothing to say to each other outside of industry gossip and work talk.
She doesn’t make me laugh. And I don’t make her either.
Like my party friends, it’s all transactional.
She wants the illusion. My fame and contacts.
I’ve had many iterations. The tabloids have named me child star, teen heartthrob, bad boy of Hollywood, and now, leading man.
I’m all of them and none of them. They’re just broken reflections in a funhouse mirror.
Not that I blame Allegra.
I don’t know who I am either.
But whoever I am, I’m better with Emma.
That’s never been clearer than it is now, as I stand here with this wild emptiness raging inside at the thought of her leaving for good.
She can’t quit. She’ll change her mind and come back. She has to.
Those thoughts are steadying. I’ll offer her more. More money. More time off. More support. More of whatever the hell she wants.
Anything to get her to stay.
Allegra’s face hardens. “Did that assistant of yours finally go? She’s always hanging around.
It’s creepy.” She sets a hand on my arm.
“It’s honestly for the best that she quit.
With her gone, you can hire someone really good.
Now, come to bed, and you can tell me what happened tonight.
I saw on social media that you were a naughty boy.
” She shakes her head. “Fighting with Brett. I didn’t think you were the jealous type. But don’t worry. It’s hot.”
“Leave,” I say flatly.
“Wh-what?” she asks, her eyes widening in surprise. “Is this about the Brett rumors? It was nothing. You know the way it is when you’re on set. You’re stuck there and bored. It was just something to pass the time. You’re not angry, are you?”
What I feel isn’t anger. I never asked her to be exclusive, even if I didn’t see anyone else myself while we dated.
In the pit of my stomach, I sense a darkening void. But it has nothing to do with her.
“This isn’t going to work. You and I,” I state calmly. I usually do these things with more finesse, more care, except she insulted Emma.
And I don’t have it in me to be charming tonight, not when the concrete foundation I’d been standing on suddenly turned to quicksand.
She crosses her arms over her chest and shivers. Her face is a mask, but her eyes are stark. For the first time, I wonder if her confidence is as solid as she pretends because she appears unexpectedly vulnerable.
I swallow. As annoyed as I am with her shitty comments about Emma, this is my fault. I thought I could try for something longer than a brief fling. but I’m not cut out for dating.
It was a long shot, but I hoped that if I focused, really tried, the feelings that my friends had for their women would come. But clearly, that’s not how it works. And now, I’m ending things, and Allegra is the fallout.
Fuck. I hate that when I look at her, all I feel is numb.
Something is clearly broken inside. I’ve known since I was a child that I was not meant for love.
Everyone else on set was excited to go back to their families when the season broke from shooting.
Except me. I never wanted to go home. I’d close my eyes at night and dream that I could stay on set forever and play pretend family.
It felt more real than anything of my own.
I shake my head against the memories. “I’m sorry, Allegra. It’s not you. It’s—”
She holds out a hand and straightens to her full, commanding height. She lifts her chin, her eyes proud and sparkling with annoyance. In a minute, she’s transformed from sad and vulnerable to invincible.
“Forget the speech, Sebastian. Don’t pretend this was anything more than just you and me having a relationship that helped us both with our careers.
We looked good together. You had contacts I wanted.
And I looked pretty on your arm and was amusing to take out.
” Her smile falters. “I’ve been through hell to gain a foothold in this industry.
When you’re a fifteen-year-old model alone in Paris for the first time, you toughen up quickly.
” She tilts her chin up. “So don’t presume you could ever hurt me. ”
I walk over to Allegra and kiss her smooth cheek. “I’m sorry,” I whisper.
There’s a flicker of emotion in her eyes when I step back.
“Same,” she drawls before striding into the house.
Ten minutes later, Duncan is driving her home.
All I feel is guilt and relief.
I wander inside aimlessly. I find myself in the library, where I take a cigar from my grandfather’s old leather cigar case.
The smell reminds me of him, another man who never got love quite right.
I adored him, but he was a shitty husband, just like my dad.
The difference was that my grandmother never seemed to mind too much.
Maybe because she was busy living life and having her own affairs.
And she seemed to enjoy the constant drama of breaking up and getting back together.
She said it kept things from being too boring.
I sit in a lounge chair and smoke the cigar, watching the moonlight play across the ripples of the water. Sometime around sunrise, I decide on a strategy.
The only thing to do is to find out what Emma wants. And give it to her. To offer her enough money, favors, and incentives so that she’ll never think of quitting again. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that everyone has their price.
You just have to know what that amount is. And be willing to pay.