Chapter 12 #2
“Good girl.” He nods and then shuts the door with a quiet click.
I lie back, staring at the ceiling and trying not to remember the husky way Sebastian said Good girl, when a memory from last night pops up, fully formed. It’s the memory of me, lying freshly showered in bed. Still drunk. Still woozy. And him leaning over me.
And… there’s more. I try to reach through the hazy and faraway fragments. He kissed my forehead. I can still recall his soft lips. His nearness. How the scent of his cologne—one handmade just for him, with bergamot and something darker, heady, and rich—surrounds me.
And then everything comes back at once. So potent and concrete it steals my breath.
I was lying there, his lips on my forehead, and suddenly, I couldn’t stand it anymore.
I couldn’t stand the distance. That I was leaving and I knew there would be no more days working together, nights of race cars going in circles.
No making each other so crazy that in one moment I’d want to scream at him and the next I’d go weak with unexpected longing.
My muddled brain kept shouting over and over that this was it.
This was my last chance to know. To know what it felt like to kiss him.
So I grasped him by his shirt and shifted my face up. His lips and mine were a breath apart.
I was aware enough to see his confused eyes. The furrow between his eyebrows. And then confusion turned to something else.
He leaned down. And I leaned up. Our mouths were so close. We were almost there. There was longing. So much longing. I closed my eyes, waiting for our lips to meet, holding my breath for it, wanting it with every drunken lonely atom of my being. But the kiss never came.
And I whispered something…
I think. And I think. But I can’t quite grasp what it was. Because the last thing I remember is falling back onto the feather pillows and the soft, soft mattress.
And I’m not sure if the fact that I can’t remember what I whispered is a blessing or a curse.
On Sunday, Sadie helps me build my new desk in our already cramped living room.
The desk is to celebrate completing our business plan. I’ve been pulling all-nighters to finish it before my notice runs out.
“Emma, I really think you should take a break from Dream Space. Just until you finish working for Sebastian,” Sadie says while frowning at the building instructions.
“You’ve been going flat out, even more than normal.
And I’ll be moving and starting my job, which will be intense, so I won’t be able to help much in the next few weeks until I’m all set up. ”
“I don’t really have a choice. I need to pay the rent.”
I try to sound upbeat, but I’m out of my depth.
Pitching myself to potential clients and presenting myself as a business owner and not an assistant is way out of my comfort zone.
I’ll just have to fake it until I make it.
And then I have to get all the aspects of a small business set up.
In addition to everything else, there’s forming an LLC and opening a bank account and selecting an accounting software and the million and one other items that we’ve set in motion but not completed.
Moving so quickly is scary, especially since I’m not really sure what I’m doing, even with a business degree.
Sadie’s been an enormous help, but she’ll be leaving. And all those pesky details we have to line up? I’m working on them between the hours of 10 p.m., when I get home from work, and 3 a.m., when I finally fall into a deep, dead sleep, before waking at 6 a.m. and doing it all over again.
“I understand, but you need to take better care of yourself. You need to eat properly. And sleep. Quitting your job was supposed to give you a more balanced life.”
“Right. That was our first strategic error. Being an entrepreneur is not great for work-life balance,” I say with a dry laugh. “There will be plenty of time for rest later.”
“And for vacations?” Sadie asks with a raise of an eyebrow.
“And for vacations. Though I don’t know what I’d do. It sounds boring.”
“What about time for having sex? Or is that boring as well?” She snickers. “And speaking of sex, there’s a very sexy photo of you and Sebastian making the rounds on social media walking out of the club the other night. He looks super protective, and you’re practically buried against him.”
That photo is nothing. I haven’t told Sadie about Sebastian seeing me nearly naked in the shower. I also haven’t mentioned the not-quite-a-kiss.
For the past two days, I’ve spiraled and overthought and freaked out. And I absolutely cannot hold it in any longer. For one, I need advice. Or absolution. I need someone else’s perspective. “I think I almost kissed him, Sadie,” I whisper, as if saying it out loud could summon an evil spirit.
She looks at me, distracted. “Who?” she asks while trying to turn a screw with a teeny-tiny screwdriver. “And is the man you almost kissed good with his hands—as in, can he put together bookshelves? Because if so, call him and tell him to get his ass over here.”
I set down the instructions I’m holding on the scarred surface of my living room floor. My new office furniture that we’re attempting to build will be set up in the cozy alcove of the living room.
Sadie thinks we’ll be so successful that I’ll soon be able to move into a big apartment where I’ll have room for an office. And a guest bedroom.
Until then, one bookshelf and a small desk will be the start of our empire. Boss-babe life has never looked so glamorous.
I shake my head. “He is absolutely not handy. I don’t think he’s ever put anything together in his life. He has a guy for that. And he has me for that.”
Sadie’s eyes get big. “Excuse me? Are you talking about who I think you’re talking about?”
“Sebastian.” I cringe against the freak-out that I know is coming. “Sebastian is the man,” I rush out.
The teeny-tiny screwdriver clatters to the floor. “What? When? How?” Sadie screeches in excitement.
I try to act casual, though I’m not. Not about this. I tell her what happened.
Sadie sits back amid the shelves and boxes and all the paraphernalia of our DIY project. “Holy shit. You were in the shower with him?” And then she smiles. Widely. “And you almost kissed? It’s about damn time, babe.”
“No. This isn’t good. Everything is fuzzy about that night. Maybe I got the memory all wrong. He’s never seen me in that way. I figured I could walk by him naked, and he wouldn’t even notice me.”
“Well, I bet he noticed when you were in the shower with him,” Sadie says slyly.
“I-I don’t know. He didn’t attack me or anything.
Didn’t take advantage. Which is good. That would have been super sketchy behavior because I was smashed.
And then there’s Allegra. I know they aren’t exclusive and it seems like she’s also seeing Brett Danners.
But still. She’s in his life. It’s just that when he put me to bed, his lips touched my forehead, all sweet and gentle-like, and I realized that this is it.
This is the end. There won’t be any more Sebastian and Emma.
I mean, I’ve spent more time with him than with anyone else in the world. And I won’t see him after this.”
“I don’t know why you assume you won’t still see him. You could still be friends, even if you aren’t working for him anymore.”
I give Sadie a flat look. “Once I quit, he isn’t going to be calling me to hang out.
He’s an in-demand, busy movie star who spends months working on film sets around the world, then promoting those movies across the globe.
When he’s not doing that, he’s chilling on yachts and dating women who are nothing like me.
Yes, we spent a lot of time together. But that was because I worked for him as his endlessly available assistant. ”
“So your drunk self wanted like… a goodbye kiss?”
I look down at my chipped manicure. My usually pristine nails are a mess.
The polished version of me is slowly unraveling.
“Maybe.” I bite my lip. “I never told you because you were young. And then it was something I wanted to forget because it was super unprofessional. But I guess it doesn’t hurt to say it now that I won’t be working for him.
In the beginning, I had a big-time crush on Sebastian. ”
Sadie bursts out laughing. “Oh, Em. You didn’t think I knew? Of course I did.”
“I was careful. No one knew.”
She grins. “I’m your sister. I can see behind the Little Miss Perfect professional thing you’ve got going on.”
“It’s not a thing. It’s my life.”
“It’s your mask. And your coping mechanism. I’d actually like you to let down your guard. Relax a little. Make some mistakes. Have fun.” She leans forward. “You could make some mistakes with Sebastian Blake. That would be fun.”
“Sadie,” I say warningly. “My crush was absolutely not fun. I ordered flowers and jewelry for actresses, singers, business moguls. For women who made Chic Magazine’s It List. It hurt.
It was either I kill the crush or let it kill me.
Plus, he was my boss. He never once acted like he thought of me in that way.
So I focused on how much of an ass he could be. That helped.”
“But don’t you see?” Sadie asks excitedly.
“That isn’t a problem anymore. You’ve quit, and you only have a little longer working for him.
You can do whatever you want. And, babe, if I were you, I’d be hella unprofessional.
I mean, let’s be real, I bet Sebastian Blake would be the best lay you’d ever have.
Are you seriously not going to find out? ”
I laugh. “Sadie. He’s a person. Not a piece of meat.”
“If I didn’t think you would cut me, I’d make a play for him.
If, like you say, you probably won’t keep up as besties, what would it hurt to hook up?
You’ve had almost no sex life over the last seven years because you’ve been too busy working.
If you look at it that way, he owes you seven years’ worth of orgasms,” Sadie says with a grin.
I shake my head. I’m surrounded by people who aren’t afraid to say what they think, who aren’t afraid to take risks. Like my sister—and Sebastian. Maybe because I don’t take enough risks or say what I want often enough.
“So, when’s your last day?” she asks, changing the subject.
“I have a week and a half left.” My chest squeezes at the thought. “Maybe I shouldn’t have quit so soon. This would all be easier if I’d saved up more money and done this in a more strategic way.”
She looks at me, her enormous eyes uncharacteristically serious. “Don’t let Sebastian or doubts change your mind. You could have planned it perfectly, and it would still be scary. But I can tell how excited you are. And so am I.”
My heart turns over at her words. Even writing our business plan in the middle of the night brings me joy. I can’t explain it, but regardless of my confusion about leaving Sebastian, this career change is right. Something deep in my soul knows it.