Chapter 21 #2
“You always said I was so strong, but I wasn’t, Ry.
I was young and overwhelmed and heartbroken.
For a long time, I couldn’t see past my own pain.
It took everything I had to dig myself out.
” My voice wavers, trembling under the weight of everything I’ve kept locked away.
“And I know that doesn’t excuse what I did.
But when I said you don’t know me anymore, it’s because I became someone else that night.
Losing the baby, losing you at the same time—it changed me.
It’s like a part of me broke and never fully healed. ”
He stays silent, and the longer it stretches, the more unbearable it becomes. I’ve never felt so powerless. I used to find comfort in the quiet with him, but now it feels like a wall I can’t break through.
I take his hands in mine, forcing him to look at me.
His haunted expression is a thorn piercing deep, and shame spreads through me like poison.
“I wanted you to understand why, but the only thing that matters now is how sorry I am. You deserved to know, and I never should have made that choice for you. I told myself I was protecting you, but I was really protecting myself. And I’m so sorry for that, Ry.
If the situation was reversed, if you’d left me in the dark about something this big, I don’t know how I’d move past it.
It’s unforgivable.” In that single word, I’m voicing my worst fear.
“Unforgivable.” He finally speaks, echoing the word in a flat, lifeless tone. His face is shadowed as he rubs his eyes. “You’re right.”
Cold dread trickles through my veins like ice water. “I’m right?”
“It is unforgivable.” He lets out a hollow laugh. “Only it’s not you who needs to be forgiven. It’s me.”
I blink like I misheard him. “What…what are you talking about?”
“What exactly should I be forgiving you for, Scarlett? For being forced to make impossible choices on your own because I left you to fend for yourself? For protecting our child the best way you knew how? For protecting yourself from a version of me who might’ve made it worse?
” He shakes his head, remorse etched into every line on his face.
“No. What’s unforgivable is that I’d become someone you couldn’t rely on.
That I was so wrapped up in my own shit that you didn’t even feel like you could tell me.
I was so fucking selfish that I didn’t even know anything was wrong.
” He’s breathing hard, his chest rising and falling like he’s run a marathon.
Now I’m the one shaking my head. “I won’t let you take the blame for this,” I tell him, pressing a fist to my ribs, trying to hold back the guilt cratering my chest. This is my sin, and I won’t let him absolve me. “Whatever mistakes you think you made, this was on me.”
But he won’t accept the pardon. “For ten years I thought you rejected me, that you didn’t feel I was worth sticking around for.
I thought you abandoned me just like everyone else.
I’ve been mad at you. When all along you…
I can’t believe I…” The self-loathing in his voice makes me sick to my stomach.
His eyes are distant and unfocused, and he’s staring past me like I’m not even here.
“You were sick that night and I yelled at you. I probably did cause it. You were right to hate me.”
“Please don’t do this. I can’t listen to you blame yourself for something I did.
I’ve already spent ten years punishing myself, I won’t let you do it too.
” I can feel everything escalating, can feel myself becoming hysterical, my skin heating and my voice pitching higher, words flooding out in a rush as panic claws at me.
“At some point, it has to be enough. There has to be an end point for all this guilt Ry, there has to be. This can’t destroy us again.
I won’t let it!” A strangled sob rips out of me, my chest heaving as the tears I’ve fought to keep at bay spill over.
Before I can spiral any further, his hands are on my shoulders, pulling me to him, enveloping me in his arms. “Scarlett, stop. Shh,” he murmurs into my hair. “It’s okay. I’m here. I’ve got you.”
I sag against him and bury my face in his chest, my whole body shaking, my breath sawing in and out in ragged gasps. It’s a dam finally giving way after ten years of pressure, all my emotions erupting in one violent release.
He holds me there until my breathing slows and evens out.
When I finally pull back, I’m embarrassed by my outburst. I hijacked a moment that should have belonged to him.
“I’m sorry,” I mutter, swiping at my tears.
My hand comes away streaked with mascara, which I now notice is all over his dress shirt.
What a mess. I shudder to think what I must look like.
“It’s fine,” he says, sensing my agitation. “And how about no more ‘sorry’s, okay? I can’t handle you apologizing the same way you can’t handle it from me.”
I give him the barest nod, then gently disentangle myself from his arms to head to the kitchen and splash some water on my face.
As I clean myself up, I watch him out of the corner of my eye.
He’s picked up the ultrasound again, studying it with an intensity that makes my throat tighten, like he’s trying to memorize every detail.
It’s turned to twilight outside, the sky fading to a dusky purple, casting the room in a lavender haze. Shadows shift and stretch across the wood floors as a stillness settles over the house. I make my way back over to the couch and he rises, sliding the ultrasound picture into his pocket.
“What are you thinking?” I venture, trying to read what’s written behind his eyes.
He blows out a long, slow breath. “Honestly? I’m thinking…I need some air.”
Fear coils beneath my ribs. “Of course,” I manage to say, with effort. “I can imagine you’d need some time to think about all this.”
He smiles, small at first, the dimple in his cheek deepening as it grows. “Let me rephrase. I think we could use some air.” He ducks his head slightly, the teasing twinkle back in his eyes for the first time since he showed up at the door. “You up for a walk?”
Relief seeps through me like melted honey. “A walk?”
“Yeah, you know, on the beach that’s just outside this door? The sunset is especially hideous tonight,” he says, rolling his eyes in exaggerated disgust, and I’ve never been more grateful for his ability to read my moods and laugh me out of my own head.
I nod and start to move for the door, but he stops me, lacing his fingers through mine and pulling me closer—close enough that I think he’s going to kiss me—but he stops just shy of my lips and stares straight into my eyes. “I’m not going anywhere, Scarlett.”
My heart jolts, and it’s like all the noise and chaos inside me just…stops. It happens in a split second—the unrest that’s been churning inside me calms and quiets, like a storm-tossed sea going suddenly still.
“You needed to hear that,” he surmises, his features softening with sudden clarity.
His eyes search mine for a moment before he takes my hand, placing it flat on his chest and holding it there.
I can feel the steady thump of his heart through the fabric of his shirt.
“I, Ryder Andrew Perry, pledge to never walk out on you again, for any reason, no matter what life throws at us or how big a fight we have.”
“You promise?” I whisper, my voice small and unsteady. I’m afraid to believe it.
“I swear on your toe thumbs.”
My voice cracks in a tearful laugh, and I throw my arms around his neck.
“I pledge the same,” I murmur into his ear.
I feel his body tense, then slacken, and when his arms tighten around me, I know he needed to hear it just as much as I did.
“And I’ll never keep anything from you again.
You’ll know my every thought before I’ve even had it.
I’ll overshare so much you’ll beg me to stop. ”
“Good news, Red,” he says around a chuckle, brushing a kiss to my temple. “We’ve got all the time in the world.”