Stargazing with You

16. Medical School

Chapter 16

Medical School

Fourth Year

I knew the conference was over when crowds of attendees dispersed from the conference center, disappearing into the various restaurants and bars along the riverwalk. I had fled to the quiet sanctuary of the fountain outside, where I sat watching the water of the river dance in the fading light, lost in thought about the day’s events and the tumult of emotions stirred in me by Javi’s speech.

Javi had never been shy about telling me how much I meant to him. He had been telling me he loved me for years. So why did this feel so different? Perhaps because he had singled me out in front of a massive audience, who looked at us as if he was about to drop down on one knee and propose right then and there.

And why did the idea of that make my heart stutter? But I was being purposefully obtuse if I tried to pretend that I didn’t know why.

I was in love with Javier Valenzuela. I wasn’t sure when exactly had been the tipping point, the moment that had toppled my feelings for him from the realm of deepest friendship into love. All I knew was that I could never go back.

The sound of approaching footsteps broke through my reverie, and I somehow didn’t need to look up to know it was him. I could feel him beside me before he had even said a word.

“Mind if I join you?” His voice was soft, hesitant.

I patted the stone next to me. “Of course not.”

Javi sat down beside me, looking out at the water with me. His shoulder brushed against mine, sending a familiar thrill through me. The intensity of it almost made me angry. Just the brush of his shoulder was enough to send my stomach into flips. And I knew suddenly that my body had been reacting to him in this way for years. I had just ignored it.

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you,” he said. “I wanted to talk to you after the speech, but I got swept up in the commotion. I feel like you deserve an explanation about what I said.”

“You don’t have to explain,” I said. “I was moved by your speech. It was beautiful.”

I turned to him; his eyes bored into mine.

“No, I need to say this. Diana, it’s more than what I said up there on stage. You have been more than my muse. You are the reason I was able to take one of my many crazy ideas and turn it into something worthwhile. You are the reason I pushed so hard to make the Artemis a reality. And every late night, every setback—you were there. You got me through it. And it was all worth it, because I thought of how proud you would be if I succeeded. This is all because of you, Diana.”

“Javi, that’s ridiculous. I?—”

“Just let me get through this, please," his voice caught on the final word. He took a deep breath before continuing. “ But even with all the accolades and success the device has gotten these past few years, it all felt hollow without you there to share it with me. I don’t want any of it if I can’t have you by my side.

But I know that what happened last month scared you. I can see it in your eyes, any time I hold your hand or look at you too long or tease you. Your first instinct is to resist this thing between us. But I told you that this is what I wanted. I told you that I would wait for you, and I will. Just... just tell me I’m not waiting in vain. Please, tell me I’m not crazy. Tell me you want this too.”

The corners of my eyes tingled with unshed tears. “Javi, I...”

“What is it, Di?” His eyes looked both desperately hopeful and concerned, likely wondering why his words had brought me nearly to tears.

“I made this vow, when we were in our first year at Columbia,” I explained. “I told myself that your friendship meant too much to me. That I couldn’t ruin what we had by letting my feelings get in the way. Because, I knew, even way back then, that a part of me did have feelings for you.”

His eyes went a little wide at this admission, but he didn’t interrupt.

“And I think, at the time, that that was true,” I continued. “But since then, I’ve realized that I’ve been holding back for a different reason.”

“And that reason is?” he asked, sounding almost afraid to know the answer.

“I’ve been struggling a lot these last four years.” It was getting harder and harder to keep the emotion out of my voice, to keep the tears from falling. “I think there has always been a part of me that thought that if I gave into love, that if I let myself focus on that part of my life, that it would somehow undermine my abilities or my progress as a future doctor. Like I couldn’t possibly have both. So I only let myself be in relationships that were doomed to fail with people who didn’t threaten that goal, who had no chance of steering me from that path. I didn’t feel strongly enough about them to lose focus.”

The words seem to fall from my lips in a stream of consciousness. Only as I said them did I finally register that they were true.

“And then there was you.” My voice broke with a little sob on the last word. “My best friend. The person who I’ve been completely in love with for the last seven years.”

He shook his head, chuckling ruefully. He pulled at the lapel of his jacket as he said, “And to think… I’ve been trying for years to be that guy. To look like the guy you’d typically fall for.”

It felt like there was a weight sinking into my gut at the thought. Of course, I had noticed the changes—the clothes, the grooming, the muscles, things he had never paid any attention to in college. But I had had no inclination that it had anything to do with me. The thought of him thinking he needed to do any of that for me to find him attractive nearly made me sick to my stomach.

“I’m so sorry, Javi. I never wanted you to think you had to change anything about yourself for me. Those men were distractions. You were the one who posed a real threat. You were the person who I knew could threaten everything I had worked for, if I let you.”

His head shook from side to side, almost imperceptibly, a crease appearing between his eyebrows with concern, his lips pulling into a frown.

I continued before he could refute what I was saying. “Because I knew you were the one. I knew that there was no going back once I let myself admit that I was in love with you. I knew that, if I let myself really feel everything that I felt for you, I would fall completely, unequivocally in love with you. I would give up everything for you.”

He took my face in his hands, his thumbs brushing the tears away as they fell. “Diana, I would never ask you to give anything up for me. You have worked so hard for this, and I am constantly astounded by you. By your intelligence, your kindness, your dedication to your patients. Why would I ever ask you to give that up? I don’t want you to give that up.”

I sniffled, wiping at my face. “I know you don’t. But you live across the country, Javi. Something’s gotta give, eventually. How can we ever make this work without making sacrifices?”

“Give us a chance, Di,” he implored. He brushed my hair out of my face. “Give me a chance to prove that we can make this work.”

I felt a wall I hadn’t known I’d put up around my heart start to crumble down. I sniffled, then nodded.

“Okay,” I finally said.

“Okay?” he asked, as if he didn’t quite believe it.

I nodded again. “I’m saying when.”

His eyes went wide, his disbelieving grin growing slowly into a brilliant smile as my words registered in his mind.

“Diana?” he asked.

I wiped the last of my tears from my eyes. “Yes?”

“What would you say if I told you I’m about to ruin our friendship?”

I laughed in surprise. “I’d say, bring it on.”

Before the words had fully left my lips, he was kissing me. Though the kiss was gentle at first, exploratory, it quickly deepened, fueled by years of pent-up emotions and unacknowledged desires. The world could have been crashing down around us, and I don’t think either of us would have noticed. It was like I had been swimming against a current for years and only now realized I could swim in the other direction. It was as easy as breathing. Kissing him felt more important than breathing, in fact.

My lungs did not agree with me, however, and we broke away from each other, breathless. He opened his eyes, and when our eyes locked, we burst into spontaneous giggles.

“We should go somewhere more private?” Javi asked, his voice husky.

“We should,” I agreed.

Without saying anything, he rose from the fountain, pulling me with him by the hand. We made our way back into the lobby. In the elevator, we looked at each other, each grinning like we couldn’t believe our luck.

As soon as we were safely in his room, Javi didn’t hesitate. He pulled me to him, kissing me again, this time more assured than the first.

He broke away suddenly, taking the moment to look at me and softly brush my dark hair away from my face. “I can’t even begin to tell you how long I’ve wanted this. How long I’ve wanted you.”

I wrapped my hands behind his neck and swayed in his arms, like we were slow dancing.

“Javi, I have wanted you since you asked me to dance in your parents’ backyard,” I admitted. He drew me in for another kiss at the revelation.

“I have wanted you since the moment I found you outside your door in your towel,” he countered.

I laughed at him, smacking him playfully in the chest. “No way! I don’t believe you.”

“You were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen,” he explained. “Even crying in your pink towel with your hair soaking wet. ”

I shook my head at him in disbelief. “All this time?”

“All this time,” he agreed, sealing the words with another kiss. “And to think, I was too scared to admit it because of some bullshit that happened in high school.”

Seven years of wanting each other, never giving in to these feelings. But we wouldn’t hold them back a minute more. I pulled off my blazer and threw it on the floor, before peeling Javi’s jacket off, letting him know that I was ready to stop talking about what we wanted and start showing him. Our hands roamed each other’s bodies, finally set free after years of being caged. I wanted to feel every inch of him that I had never allowed myself to even think about touching before.

His hands moved down my back to the zipper of my dress, and I turned in his arms to give him better access to the clasp. He slowly pulled the zipper down as he peppered kisses along my shoulder, the rough texture of his stubble along my sensitive skin sending goose bumps down my arms. When the zipper was down, he pushed the sleeves of my dress off my shoulders, and it fell in a pool of black fabric at my feet. He drank in the sight of me in my black lacy thong and bra, and a guttural sound escaped his throat.

“You are still the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I have been dreaming about what you might look like for years, but nothing could have prepared me for the real thing.” He sounded absolutely agonized by the sight of me.

I smirked at him, countering, “You’ve seen me in a bikini before.”

“Not the same thing,” he said, his hand wandering from my hip to my ribs, his thumb brushing along the underside of my bra. “You weren’t looking at me then like you’re looking at me now. And I wasn’t contemplating tearing your bathing suit off you. Well, I might have been contemplating it, but I wasn’t planning on following through with the idea.”

“Well, since you’ve been so patient,” I teased, reaching back to unclasp my bra and let it fall onto the floor on top of the pile of my discarded dress. His eyes smoldered with heat as he drank in the sight of my breasts. His right hand lifted as if it had its own mind, hovering just in front of me as if asking permission to touch. I took the half step forward until I was filling his palm. His thumb brushed over my nipple, and I whimpered at the sensation. His other hand lifted to cup my other breast, and he covered my mouth once more with his. He kneaded me gently as his tongue entwined with mine.

He grabbed onto me and lifted me up onto his hips. I wrapped my legs tightly around him, never breaking our kiss. My nipples brushed against his shirt, making me moan into his mouth.

He walked me across the suite and lay me down on the lush king bed where I had slept the night before. His hands traced a trail down my thighs, the backs of my knees, cupping my calves, until he grasped my shoes and pulled them off.

He stepped away from me and set to undressing himself. He took off his shoes and socks, but when he started to unbutton his shirt, I sat up. I grabbed onto the fine fabric and pulled him to me, wanting to take it off myself. When the buttons were undone, I splayed my hands against his chest and ran it down his stomach, relishing the firm contours.

“So, you did all this for me, huh?” I asked, leaning forward to kiss one of the swells of his abs. I moved down to the one below it and kissed that one too, and the next, like stair steps downward.

He groaned at the sensation of my lips on his skin. “ Every second I spent in the gym was worth it, just for this moment alone.”

“Like I said,” I whispered against his skin. “You never had to change a thing about yourself for me to love you… but I’m also not mad about it.”

He laughed, and the motion made his muscles jump in very enticing ways. I ran my hands down them, down the thin line of hair trailing to the waistband of his pants. Another groan escaped him, and it emboldened me. I started to undo the belt buckle and button of his pants, feeling him hard and waiting for me beneath the zipper. I slowly pulled on the zipper and shoved the waist band and his black boxer briefs down until he sprang free of his confines. I made a sound almost like a purr and wrapped my hands around him.

“A little part of me has always wondered if I made you feel this way,” I said, beginning to stroke him up and down slowly.

“ Fuck ,” he said through gritted teeth. “More times than I can count: that first night we met. The night we first danced. Seeing you in your little bikini or in that red dress you wore to winter formal. Last night in my t-shirt. And about a hundred other times when you were just being you. I’ve been trying to hide erections from you for years.”

I grinned, looking up at him beneath my lashes. He watched as I leaned forward to take him in my mouth. His head fell back, and he hissed with the sensation of my lips around him. His hands reached up and wove into my hair, gripping it at the roots.

I felt him hit the back of my throat as my tongue lapped at him, tasting him. He stayed so still, he was almost unnervingly statuesque, letting me dictate entirely how deep he would go. I played with the angles and depths, discovering what made him groan, what made his fingers pull ever so slightly at the roots of my hair. After a minute, his hips moved just a millimeter toward me and back, an almost involuntary little thrust.

He pulled me back, suddenly but gently, by the hair.

“Stop, Di,” I wiped the corner of my mouth with the back of my hand, looking up at him curiously. “I want to look into your eyes the first time you make me come.”

My whole body shuddered with pleasure. He let his pants and briefs fall to the floor. I moved slowly backward on the bed, letting him crawl toward me, his eyes hungry with need. He drew my face to his for another long, slow kiss, before ducking to leave a trail of kisses along my jaw and neck and collarbone. He nipped at my skin, drawing a grasp from my lips. His hand cupped my breast, kneading it, his thumb circling my hardened nipple.

His hand slid down my stomach, traveling downward until he dipped beneath the black lace. He found what he was looking for, wet and waiting for him, and started to make circular motions over my throbbing clit. His mouth moved to my breast and took my nipple between his lips. I gasped. He worked at both, until I started to see flashes of light against the back of my eyelids.

“Javi?” I said, breathily. He paid no attention to me whatsoever. “Javi, stop.”

He stopped what he was doing, only pausing to nuzzle between my breasts before he looked at me.

“I want you inside me the first time you make me come,” I told him.

He let out a feral sounding, very satisfied noise and yanked my underwear down. He threw them unceremoniously off the bed. He cupped my calf and hooked my thigh around his waist. He poised himself at the entrance and paused .

“Di, do we need a condom?” he asked, looking like it took every ounce of will power he possessed to bring it up.

“I have an IUD,” I assured him quickly. “And I've been tested since the last time. It’s fine, unless you’re worried?—”

“I’m not,” he answered, pushing into me at the same time the words left his lips. The feeling of him filling me knocked the breath out of my lungs. My mouth fell open, and he covered it with his own, his tongue mimicking the motions of his hips as he thrust into me, slowly at first.

“Oh, God,” I breathed.

No one had ever felt so perfectly made for me, like a puzzle piece I didn’t know I was missing. No one had ever felt this good inside me.

His hips rocked against me, in different angles and paces that made me bite my lip to suppress the urge to cry out. Just when I was seconds from coming undone, he held onto me and rolled us over, never pulling out of me. He held me by the hips and settled me into position on top of him. I grinned and rolled my hips against him, appreciating the change in angle and the control I had over our rhythm. He watched me as I rocked against him, my breasts bouncing gently with the waves of our bodies.

“I could watch you ride me the whole night,” he breathed. “ Forever . But I don’t think I can hold off?—”

“ Don’t ,” I commanded.

I could feel his abdominal muscles tighten beneath my hands, and I knew he was close. He reached between us, putting pressure on my clit as he thrust upward several times in rapid succession. An explosion of pleasure suddenly wracked my body. We cried out each other’s names as my walls tightened around him. I felt him pulse inside me in several quick bursts as he spilled into me.

The entire world seemed to stand still for a moment in the wake of our passion. The only sound was our rapid, unsteady breaths mixing together. I slowly lowered my head to his chest, not pulling my hips away from his. I didn’t want to disconnect my body from his, not yet. His arms wrapped around me, holding me even tighter to him, as if he had the same thought.

“I would say it was worth the wait,” he panted, sounding tired but very happy. “And it was, don’t get me wrong. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I think we should have been doing that the whole time.”

We both laughed, enjoying the way the laughter felt in the places where our bodies were still connected.

“We’ll just have to make up for lost time, I guess,” I replied.

He drew my face to his for a kiss. I finally rolled off him and settled in under his arm, my hand resting on his chest.

“Have you ever felt anything like that before?” I asked him in wonder.

“Never,” he answered without hesitation. “But that’s not particularly impressive in my case, considering I only have two people to compare to. But I can’t imagine it gets much better than that.”

“ Two ?” I said, unable to shield the surprise in my voice before the question sprang from my lips.

“Two,” he confirmed. And I knew, of course, that it had been Sofia and Alex.

Heat flooded my cheeks. I didn’t want him to think less of me because I had been with more people than he had.

“And before you say anything,” he said, reading my thoughts, “know that I don’t care how many people you have been with, Diana.”

“You don’t?” I asked in surprise.

“I do not,” he replied. “So don’t stress about telling me. That’s your business. I don’t need to know. Nor do I want to hear about anyone else you’ve been with while you’re lying naked on top of me.”

“Oh,” I said, unable to come up with anything more profound.

He chuckled. “But I would really love it if I could be the last one .”

“The one to end them all.” My tone was joking, but I knew in my heart that I meant every word, whether I was ready to admit it or not.

I felt a pressure in my chest, not like when I used to be crushed by my anxiety. It felt like my heart was ready to swell with joy until it burst out of my chest. This was the happiest I think I had ever felt, in Javi’s arms, lying across his chest. I didn’t want it to end.

But it was that moment when my stomach let out a very rude, grating noise that made Javi laugh.

“You hungry? I can order room service,” he offered, looking out the windows where the sun had set since we arrived, as if surprised by the passage of time outside this room. I understood the feeling—it felt like we existed in a vacuum, separate from the rest of the world.

I nodded gratefully. Though I didn’t want to let him out of my grasp, I was suddenly ravenous. He fetched us robes from the bathroom and ordered a long list of random items from the room service menu before joining me back in bed.

A little while later, we were perched across the bed from each other, with a makeshift picnic spread between us on a towel.

I grabbed a French fry and popped it in my mouth, inspecting him. He had tied his robe lazily around his waist, leaving a lot of his chest exposed where it gaped open. The sight of his smooth, golden skin made me want to reach out to touch him again. A part of me wanted to push him down and eat the food off of him.

A blush heated my face at the thought. How does it happen? I wondered. I had known this man for years. I had managed to conduct myself in an appropriate, friendly way with him for all this time. How did my brain shift so suddenly to wanting to do dirty, deplorable things to him?

He caught my blush and my intense gaze lingering on his chest, and he smiled knowingly.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked, like he was very much aware that he was dragging my brain from the deepest depths of the gutter.

I didn’t tell him what I was actually thinking, but asked instead, “Did you ever worry that this wouldn’t work? Us, I mean.”

“Did I worry you would never realize that you were madly in love with me?” he asked, flashing me a grin.

“No, that’s not what I mean,” I replied with a laugh. I wasn’t explaining it right. “I was never really worried about the emotional stuff being there for us. You know me better than anyone. I mean physically . Were you ever worried that it might be awkward, because we’ve been friends for so long?”

He thought about the question for a moment, chewing pensively. “No, not really.”

“Never?” I insisted.

He shook his head. “I can’t picture anything about us not being compatible. Can’t imagine anything more perfect than being with the person who knows me best. ”

I suppressed a groan at how perfect he was, how certain and confident he sounded in us . It made me feel more certain and confident too, chasing away the fear and the doubts from my mind.

After we cleaned up our picnic, he turned to me. “ What would you say to a bath? This suite has a very nice jacuzzi tub. I think it would be a waste not to take advantage.”

I grinned and headed to the bathroom. I started the water and poured bubble bath into it that the hotel had provided. When it was full and steaming, we sank into the water together. He leaned against the side of the tub and drew me into him, my back to his chest. He started the jets, which shot out from both the sides and the bottom of the tub. The bubbles curled up between our bodies in a very pleasant way.

“Can I confess something?” Javi said, his breath brushing against my ear, the vibrations of his voice rumbling against my back.

“Hmm?”

“You know when we snuck up to the roof on graduation day?” he asked.

“Of course.”

“I had a big plan that day,” he admitted. He squeezed me a little tighter into his chest. “I was going to bring you up there and tell you that I was in love with you. But then with the news about California, I chickened out.”

I ran my hands across his arms where they were wrapped around my stomach.

“I had no idea,” I replied. “I mean you seemed upset, but I didn’t realize that was the reason.”

“Yeah,” he said absently. “I was still kind of scarred from high school and didn’t want to start our relationship long distance.”

A long, loaded silence stretched between us after this declaration. If he didn’t want to start things long distance last time, what did that mean now? Was it any different today, not knowing where I would spend the next four years of my life? These were questions I didn’t really want to ask, especially when we were naked and wrapped in each other’s arms, but they hung between us, nonetheless, wanting to be asked.

“And now?” I asked timidly. “Is this not us starting a relationship long distance?”

“It is,” he murmured, “but it’s different. You’ll be going to residency in less than a year. You’re coming out for your California interviews in a couple of weeks, right?”

I nodded, not saying anything. The interview offers had rolled out the previous week- I had received a dozen total—Columbia, of course; four programs in California, three around New England; and four other programs around the country. I had scheduled my California interviews so that I could complete them all in one two-week period, during which I’d be staying with Javi. The idea of those two weeks together was far more appealing with this recent turn of events, but the pressure to succeed at those interviews felt heavier now. Before, I had just been vaguely hoping we could be near each other. Now, it felt like it was up to me to wow those programs for this relationship to succeed.

I could feel my anxiety slowly creeping its way into my mind at the thought.

“Hey,” Javi whispered into my ear, pulling me tighter into his chest. “I can practically see those gears turning in your brain. It’s going to be okay.”

I started to say, “But if I don’t match in California?—”

“No use stressing about that now,” he whispered against my neck. “We have time to figure things out.”

He kissed my neck, clearly trying to distract me from the topic entirely. Though my brain felt initially reluctant to acquiesce to his distractions, it didn’t resist for long. One of his hands cupped my breast, kneading it, as the other drifted down between my legs. I leaned my head back against his shoulder as his hands continued to explore me, my breath becoming ragged.

When I couldn’t stand another second without having him inside me, I broke free of his arms and bent forward over the edge of the tub, wanting to feel him from this new angle. I felt his hands splay wide across the soft curve of my cheeks, spreading them. I expected the sensation, the relief, of having him inside me once more, but was surprised when I instead felt his hot breath against my skin.

His tongue darted out to taste me, and the feeling was so simultaneously incredible and unexpected that I nearly came right then and there. I gripped the edge of the porcelain tub, flashes of light dancing across my eyelids as his tongue dipped into me. He painted a trail downward to my clit, circling and toying with it. All I wanted was for this amazing feeling to last, but I could feel my climax approaching with almost frightening speed. I couldn’t resist any longer when he sucked me into his mouth, his teeth grazing against the incredibly sensitive nerves. The climax exploded out of me with a gasp, my muscles clenching and spasming.

Before the feeling had completely dissipated, he grabbed onto my hips and entered me, dragging me back to meet his hips as he plunged in. My body, never having fully recovered, immediately coiled once again toward another orgasm. He moved inside me, agonizingly slow at first. His fingers gripped onto my hips as he thrust into me so deep it drove the air out of my lungs.

His body tensed at the same time as mine, and only his hands holding me against his body kept me from collapsing against the side of the bathtub. My whole body felt agreeably wobbly and tingly, made only more so by the rippling bath water against our thighs.

He let go of my hips long enough for me to turn back toward him. He drew my body back to his as he kissed me. When we pulled away, I spent a long second looking at his face, marveling at the expression of profound love with which he was looking at me. I shook my head as a few tears escaped my eyes. He brushed them with his thumbs.

“Hey,” he said with concern. “What’s wrong?”

I shook my head again, smiling. “I’m so happy. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy.”

He returned my smile. “Me neither. You have made me so happy, Diana.”

We left the bath, Javi lending a hand to help me out on my shaky legs. We dried ourselves with big fluffy towels and fell into bed beside each other. As soon as the cool sheets surrounded us, the exhaustion hit me. It had been such a monumental day, and the weight of it all suddenly began to settle in over my body and my mind.

My thumb brushed his cheek as he smiled into my palm. Staring into the depths of his warm brown eyes, I felt a strange duality in my heart. Here was the man I had known for so long, whose eyes had seen my highest highs and darkest lows, eyes that had held countless shared memories with mine. A part of me felt like I had known those eyes my entire life. Yet, it was like I was discovering him anew. It was like I was coming home, yet setting off on a new adventure, all at the same time.

“I love you, Diana,” he whispered across the pillow. And though he had said it hundreds of times before, he had never said it quite in this way.

“I love you, Javi.”

He pulled me into his chest, where I fell asleep, surrounded by his warmth.