Chapter 19
Mabel
My reflection in the windowpane was dotted with white flakes. The snow had thickened just in time for New Year’s Eve, and the blanketed asphalt glinted in the orange glow of the last Christmas lights.
Suppressing a yawn, I looked away. By now the nook was empty except for me, because everybody else in the pub was already on their feet, chatting, laughing and counting down the minutes until midnight.
Davie had persuaded me to come. I hadn’t seen him for weeks, after all, and though the new term was a while off, he’d come back early – I suspected out of pity for me, which I hated.
And Zoe. She was spending most of January with her family.
Though she had responded curtly with a ‘Fine’ when I plucked up the courage to text her to ask how it was going.
The fact that she even responded gave me some encouragement, at least, for when she returned.
I clicked again on the chat with Blake, staring in frustration at the single tick next to the question I’d sent him two hours ago, asking what he and Aspen were up to that night.
‘Everything okay?’
I hurried to lock the screen, glancing up at Davie with a heavy sense of guilt. He didn’t know, of course, that I was in touch with Blake. He would have asked for news about the League, and I would have had to confess – to the both of us – that I hadn’t really given it much thought lately.
I pushed out a smile. ‘Just a bit tired. I did warn you I wouldn’t be the best company today.’
Davie slid into the booth next to me. He was clutching a half-empty red ale, and his cheeks were flushed the same colour as the booze. ‘You’re always the best company as far as I’m concerned.’
‘Just how drunk are you?’ The teasing note in my voice wavered as I saw the warmth in his eyes. Like the warmth of his hand, resting only centimetres from mine on the seat. I pulled mine back, reaching for my glass of cider to give myself an alibi.
Davie took a deep breath. ‘Mabel, I—’
‘Fifteen minutes to go, people!’ Cody appeared so suddenly at our table that Davie spilt some of his beer.
Blond hair tousled around his face, shirt half open.
I’d known him for about a year as Davie’s neighbour and colleague at the paper, but I’d never seen him as hammered as he was tonight.
He was gazing at us aghast, tapping an imaginary watch on his wrist. ‘Chop-chop. Get yourselves some champagne, or at least some nicer glasses for your beers!’ Then he was gone, moving on to the next table to make the same announcement.
‘I think Cody’s forgetting which one of you is the Commander.’
Davie rolled his eyes. ‘He’s an idiot. But he’s right. I’ll get us something to toast with.’
‘Go for it.’ I followed him as he slid out of the booth. ‘I need a breath of fresh air. Otherwise I’ll be nodding off by midnight.’
Outside, Cambridge seemed nearly lifeless.
A few windows were lit, leaking candlelight or the silver speckles of a disco ball, but otherwise there was only the milky brilliance of the lanterns, cast across the snowy tarmac.
I tilted back my head, waiting for the December air to finally sweep away the nagging urge to call Blake.
Exasperated, I turned on my heel – but froze when I saw the figure leaning against the building next to the pub. I recognised him even before he broke away from the wall and came slowly towards me. I knew by how it made me feel: surprised and … relieved.
Blake pushed the snow-laden hair back from his face, giving me a cautious smile. ‘Hi.’
I stared, dumbfounded. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘Aspen left for her friend’s a bit early, so I thought I’d come back to college early, too.’ Blake stopped two steps away from me, hands hidden in his coat pockets.
I wondered if it was because he was hoping I’d reach out for him. And I did want to: to touch him, hold him … kiss him. Simply because we’d done it last time, and I couldn’t grasp that there could ever be a time I hadn’t thought about it.
I folded my hands in front of my stomach, which lurched gently. ‘This isn’t a coincidence, is it? You knew I was here.’
Blake shrugged, but his eyes never left my face. ‘I wanted to see you, at least for a moment, before … the year ends.’
A lump was forming in my throat. ‘You mean, before our deal ends.’
His smile faltered. ‘Yes.’
It was absurd how much it stung, even though I knew it was coming.
We had only allowed ourselves this shared respite from the world because we’d agreed in advance how it would end.
Because we knew there was no other choice.
Yet here I was, listening to the muffled roar of laughter and music and voices drifting from the pub, and hearing nothing but the beating of my heart.
It thudded slowly, as if it didn’t want to let the moment go. As if it didn’t want to let him go.
I scuffed at the snow with the tip of my shoe. ‘So, what is this? A hello or a goodbye?’
‘Maybe both.’ He took a step towards me, leaving only one between us.
I tried to remind myself it wasn’t true.
That the gulf between us was much greater.
But I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t remember the reasons why I shouldn’t cross that last half a yard between us.
I tried to tell myself it was the cider, but I knew better: it was the last few days.
It was seeing Blake now and simply knowing who he was.
Not all the subtler shades of him, but the essence.
I had discovered my sense of him, and that made it impossible to keep my distance.
Just as I was about to take the final step towards him, the pub door flew open. Cody poked out his head, wearing a small sparkly hat. ‘Mabel, three—’ He stopped as he caught sight of Blake. ‘Oh, a friend of yours?’
I opened my mouth, but Blake beat me to the punch. ‘No, I’m nobody. And nobody is leaving now.’
I knew what he was referring to. That night in the chapel, when Norah had walked in on us. Our second little glimpse through the window. I wondered if it had also occurred to Blake that we only pulled back the curtain when we were alone – never in front of other people.
‘You don’t have to go,’ I said, although I knew it made no sense. Even ignoring the fact that the deal was ending, Davie was in the pub, and given his history with the Starlings, I was pretty sure I knew how he’d feel about it. And so did Blake, of course.
‘Yes, I do. It’s almost midnight.’ He took a step forward. I hated knowing that he wasn’t walking towards me but past me. ‘All the best, Mabel.’
His hand brushed mine, and I grasped it. ‘Don’t call me that,’ I whispered.
He smiled, bending down until his mouth grazed my temple. Fleetingly, and yet so close that I felt the words on my skin – and somehow, a moment later, beneath it. ‘Happy New Year, Pica.’
I sensed them carve themselves into my mind, the memory born even as the moment lingered.
‘It was good to see you, Heathcliff,’ I whispered back, and I watched him as he walked off down the empty, snowy lane until the night had swallowed up his shadow.
I wished it would take the strange feeling inside me, too.
Back in the pub, I found Davie at our table. He had two glasses of champagne in front of him, one of them already half empty.
I took my seat next to him with a frown.
‘What…’ My voice trailed off as I followed his gaze outside.
In a flash, all the colour drained from my face.
‘I didn’t know he was coming. It was a coincidence.
’ Davie was staring at me so expressionlessly that, reluctantly, I went on.
‘I did tell you we knew each other a bit. Because of the research. Like we agreed.’
‘The way you looked at him – that’s definitely not what we agreed. I would never have allowed that, because that’s absolutely the last thing I want.’
The lump in my throat was back, and this time its edges were sharp. I wasn’t sure exactly what had put it there. Maybe it was simply the realisation that this conversation would destroy something. ‘You don’t have to worry about me. I’m being careful.’
‘It’s not about that.’ He ran a hand over his head, resting it on the back of his neck. ‘I mean, obviously I’m worried. But … it’s not about that.’
There was something worse than being hurt. Nothing was more awful than knowing you’d hurt someone you loved. Because sometimes, loving someone wasn’t enough. Not when it was a different kind of love to what the other person wanted.
‘Davie.’ I made to reach for his hand, but at the last second I drew back.
He smiled dully. ‘I know. I’m an idiot.’
‘You’re not. It’s just … you’re my best—’
‘Don’t say it, please.’
‘But it’s true. You know how much you mean to me.’
‘Yes, I do. And I know it’s enough, but right now it doesn’t feel that way.
’ Gradually he turned his face to mine. The mottled glow of the fairy lights above us was splashed across his features.
‘Seeing you with him feels like shit, for several reasons. You know as well as I do, Mabel. Surely it’s obvious he can’t be a good person if he’s mixed up in this crap. ’
All around us, people were beginning the countdown, but neither Davie nor I moved.
It didn’t really matter that the year was ending: we weren’t going to leave this behind us.
Part of me was afraid we’d never fully shake it off, no matter how much time passed.
I understood that Davie wasn’t just hurt, he also felt betrayed.
And I wished I could explain to him that Blake wasn’t part of what we were fighting.
But how do you explain something when your only argument is gut feeling?
‘And what if there are no good people?’ I asked softly. ‘Only good or bad decisions?’
Davie sneered. ‘Did he tell you that?’
‘No. It’s just something I’ve been thinking lately.’
‘Maybe it’s what you want to believe. You’re looking for an excuse to like him,’ Davie snapped, reaching for my glass.
I almost snatched it out of his hand. I would have done anything to wash his words away, because I was all too aware of how true they tasted.
‘Maybe.’ My voice was lost in the din that erupted around us.
People laughing, jumbled shouting, hugging.
Sparklers fizzed at the edges of my vision, and somebody got up onto a table to sing an off-key rendition of ‘Auld Lang Syne’.
I hadn’t felt this quiet in a long time.
After a while, Davie took my hand. ‘Just be careful. This isn’t going to end well, and I think you’re smart enough to realise that.’
I swallowed. ‘Yeah. And I also know that what I see in him doesn’t change what I see in them. I’m still ready to do whatever it takes to figure out what’s going on with the League.’
‘Even if you have to betray him to do it?’
As conflicted as my feelings were for Blake, my answer was clear. ‘Yes. This is about Zoe. It’s about … everything. If we’re right, then we can’t let them get away with this. Any of them.’
Davie nodded slowly. ‘Okay. Good.’
He tried to pull his hand away, but I held on tight. Part of me was scared that if I let go now, I might lose him for good. ‘I really am sorry, Davie. I should have said something before, or—’
‘It’s fine. Don’t shut me out, okay? I’ll be all right.
’ He smiled, again pulling back his hand.
This time I forced myself to let go. Anything else would have been unfair, and probably no use anyway.
If there was one thing I’d learnt, it was that clinging on to something doesn’t shield you from loss. Life always has a stronger grip.
‘You sure?’ I asked uncertainly.
‘Absolutely.’ He grinned at me over the rim of his glass, the smile a bit more genuine now. ‘I’ll just focus on how much of a pain in the arse you can be.’
My laugh sounded jarring. ‘Right back at you. But maybe I should get going anyway. We’ll talk … soon?’
‘Sure.’ He smiled a little self-consciously, but then shuffled closer and gave me a hug. Brief but tight. ‘Happy New Year, Mabel,’ he murmured into my ear. ‘May it get off to a less shitty start than the way the last one ended.’
The words lingered in my mind as I said my goodbyes and stepped at last into the outside world.
The silence of the vacant city settled itself around me, even as a dull echo of the music thudded in my ears, Davie’s words ran through my head, and my chest was alive with the emotions Blake’s arrival had stirred up.
I couldn’t fully agree with what Davie had just said. Yes, the last few months had been extremely stressful and confusing. They’d been frightening in all sorts of different ways. But they had been more than that. I had been more. I had felt more than I’d let myself feel in a very long time.
Saying goodbye to Blake had been the only right thing to do.
The only logical thing. Whatever this thing was between us, it had no future; it didn’t even truly exist in the present.
It was just a secret we had shared, a fleeting illusion woven out of possibilities that weren’t really possible at all, because our lives were made out of two utterly different fabrics.
It would never hold: it would tear the moment we reached for it.
I knew this, and yet I was on the verge of tears.
Right here, right now, outside a loud, thumping, brightly lit pub in the middle of a snowstorm on New Year’s Eve.
It didn’t feel like a new beginning to me.
More like the end of something that had barely even begun but that I didn’t want to lose.
It wasn’t just about the days we’d shared, it was the moments Blake and I had spent together since the start of term.
He had challenged me, irritated me, frustrated me and maddened me and …
touched me. In so many ways. He had made me think and made me feel.
Not through what he did but what he was.
Through what his nearness brought out in me.
Seeing Blake – our way of seeing – was like looking in a mirror. I recognised parts of myself I’d tried for years to keep concealed, even from myself.
Something about him made me feel whole, for the first time in so long.
Not because he completed me, but because he reminded me that I was more than I’d allowed myself to be, until now.
I liked seeing this reflection of myself.
I liked seeing me. Especially – and I knew how dangerous it was – with him.
This was my own personal window moment. The truth I couldn’t hide from myself, and didn’t want to. And no matter what the obstacles might be, I wasn’t ready yet to close the curtains.