Chapter 20 #2
‘Listen,’ I started hesitantly. ‘I was talking to Davie earlier, and he made me realise how crazy this is. You know I’m intending to find out the truth about the Starlings.
And I know you won’t help me, because it isn’t what you want.
I should hate you. You should hate me. We should absolutely be trying to get each other out of the picture, but when I’m with you, I don’t feel that way. ’
His arm edged towards me on the back of the sofa, his fingers brushing my shoulder. ‘So what are you thinking?’
Nothing, anymore, was the first answer that popped into my head.
But that wasn’t true. I was thinking, but on a more intuitive level than usual.
My thoughts had moved beyond the purely rational.
When it came to Blake, they were a mixture of emotion and instinct.
‘About … how I look at you and feel like I know you. And yeah, I get it – you told me once that you can’t know someone you’ve only just met, and that’s true, but …
it still feels that way. It’s like I recognise you, like I’m recognising a part of myself at the same time.
A part I’ve lost touch with over the last few years.
Ever since Mum died I’ve been trying not to get so emotionally involved with people.
Because if they left, it would be too painful.
But then I met Zoe. And Davie. And … you.
I know it doesn’t make sense, but I think I’m starting to realise that sometimes it doesn’t have to.
It is what it is. And I like what this is. Just … it scares me, too.’
‘Why?’ His face was still dispassionate, but I saw an impulse stirring underneath. I saw it because I was truly seeing him.
‘Because this thing we have, it doesn’t stand a chance, does it? We don’t stand a chance.’
‘No, we don’t.’ His fingers stroked my shoulder again, and I leant into his touch. ‘But that doesn’t change how much I want this. I’ve always wanted it. From the very first moment. No matter how crazy and hopeless and … impossible it is.’ He smiled sadly. ‘Does that scare you even more?’
I shook my head. ‘To be honest, I’m glad it’s not just me. I guess we’re both a little bit irrational, Cliff.’
His smile vanished, and he moved his hand away. ‘You shouldn’t call me that.’
‘The look in your eyes says otherwise. It softens when I do, did you realise that? Like you’re remembering something. Something beautiful that’s gone now.’ I was half-guessing, but even as I spoke, I saw that I was right.
Blake’s face grew tense at first, like he was trying to draw the curtains, before remembering that with me he didn’t have to.
‘You’re too observant for your own good.
’ He ran a finger over the scar on his temple.
‘Fine. I don’t mind you calling me that, but you mustn’t.
Because I like it too much. And because it will get us both into a lot of trouble.
’ He broke off, but I knew we were thinking the same thing: we were already in it.
And I could think of only one thing that would make it easier.
Without stopping to think, I kissed him again.
On the mouth, with everything I had, felt and wanted.
He responded without hesitation. Gently he cupped my face, letting his fingers run down my neck, stroking the vertebrae, moving downward until he reached the collar of my dress.
He lingered over the zip, I could sense it.
The hesitation drifting between us. I wanted to dispel it, but he reached for it instead.
Burying his face in my hair, he took a deep breath, then raised his head and looked directly into my eyes. ‘We should stop.’
Instantly I took my hands off him. ‘Okay, I mean, sure, I didn’t mean to…
’ I faltered, because at that moment he was stroking my cheek with his thumb, his eyes on my mouth.
The throbbing in me intensified again, and I shrank back uneasily.
‘You can’t just look at me like that and think it isn’t doing things to me. ’
‘I’m looking at you like this because you’re doing the same things to me. It’s just … we can’t.’
‘Because you don’t want to?’ I wasn’t trying to persuade him, I just wanted to understand.
Not everyone was interested in sex, of course, and I wasn’t usually someone who rushed into that stuff.
If he didn’t want to, that was totally fine.
But the mixed signals – he did want to, but somehow he couldn’t – was deeply confusing.
He laughed hoarsely. ‘That’s not the problem, trust me. But I can’t. It would be … you have no idea who I am.’
‘I think I have a better idea than you realise,’ I countered soberly. ‘You’re just afraid I’m right about what I see in you. Because it doesn’t fit with what the others want to see. What you want to see. Or think you have to see.’
Blake had drawn back his hands, gazing at them again as if they were a stranger’s. ‘Trust me,’ he murmured. ‘If you knew what these hands had done, you wouldn’t want them touching you.’
‘That’s not true. I’ve told you before: the mistakes you’ve made don’t define your character.
’ I bit my lip because it was throbbing again.
Because all of me was throbbing again. ‘Anyway, those hands have already touched me. And I liked it. A lot, actually.’ My fingertips stroked his arm as if of their own accord, making the delicate hairs rise.
And I loved that. I loved that he responded to me the same way I responded to him.
Blake took a deep breath, the muscles in his arm flexing. Just as I thought he was about to bend down towards me, he pulled back, mouth twisted half in amusement and half in despair. ‘I can’t.’
Again I took my hands away, the throbbing inside me overwhelmed by a rush of guilt. ‘I’m sorry, I don’t want to pressure you or—’
‘You don’t have to apologise,’ he interrupted gently. ‘Everything we’ve done, I wanted to do it, and I want more, I really do want everything, but … it’s impossible.’
‘Okay.’ I nodded, adjusting my dress. I still wanted to persuade him to change his mind about himself, but you couldn’t really talk about stuff like that. ‘Do you mind if I stay? I promise you I’ll keep my hands off.’
Blake frowned. ‘Even though you can’t think of any reason except sex why people would want to spend time together?’
I had to laugh. ‘Take it as a compliment.’
‘I will.’ He stretched his arms towards me so that I could nestle in closer to him. My head sank into the hollow at the base of his throat as my mind drifted.
Outside, I saw the splash of fireworks. Gold, silver, red and blue. I thought of the windows at the chapel, and hoped this glimpse behind the curtain would never be shattered.
Maybe Blake was thinking the same thing, because at some point, when I had almost nodded off, he pulled me in more tightly to his chest. ‘Ashton can’t find out about this.’
‘That we’re seeing each other?’ I asked drowsily.
‘It’s more the way we’re seeing each other. He absolutely cannot find out we’ve got this close. You promise?’
I raised my head and tried to look serious. ‘I won’t mention it at our daily coffee catch-ups.’
Blake didn’t smile. ‘It’s not funny, Mabel. He can’t find out. None of them can.’
‘You’re actually scared,’ I realised, astonished. ‘I thought you weren’t afraid of anything.’
‘I haven’t been, not for a long time,’ he said softly. I could feel his heart against my skin, beating rapidly. ‘But now you’re here, and … that changes everything.’
Perhaps it was the greatest compliment he could give me.
If emotions had shadows, then the shadow of attachment was definitely fear.
It clung to its heels and could not be shaken off, ever.
Even in moments of brightness, when it was invisible, it was still there.
I knew that because I was still as afraid as ever. Not of him, but for him.
‘But it doesn’t really change anything, does it? You’re still you, and I’m still me. We’re just not on the same side.’
‘I’m on your side. More than you know. But that’s exactly why I can’t give you what you want.’
I rested my head against him, closed my eyes. I didn’t have to look at him to know he wasn’t going to change his mind. But nor was I. ‘Fine, then that’s just how it is: I won’t give up, and you won’t give in. Right?’
Gently he stroked the back of my head, but his voice was hard and resolute. ‘Right.’
So simple, so complicated, so utterly impossible, this thing between us. It changed nothing and it changed everything. Perhaps all that remained to us was this. This moment, in a bubble all our own.