Chapter 48
Beth woke up and found herself wrapped in Noah’s arms.
She took a moment to remember the sweet memories of the night before and snuggled in closer, relishing the feel of him lying next to her in the bed.
It was a bittersweet moment though. She loved him. Truly loved him. But he would never love her. He had told her as much. Love, for him, was still something to be mistrusted. She loved Noah. But he didn’t want her love and never would, despite how much he cared for her.
She just couldn’t set herself up for more heartbreak and so, lying there, she made her decision.
She would accept the job offer from Antarctica which had come through only two days previously.
Her first instinct had been to turn it down but now?
Now she was just hoping that leaving Maple Tree Lodge wouldn’t hurt as much as being here and not having Noah’s love.
However, she couldn’t stop herself from staying in his arms, willing the day not to start and interrupt the sweet moment. But, of course, it did. The sun rose and she watched the darkness in the skylight in the roof above the bed slowly change to daybreak.
She slipped out of bed and peered out of the window to see a heavy mist hugging the lake and trees for the second day running. She sighed. Stargazing, like both the weather and love, could be highly unpredictable. But she had been so hoping to be wrong on both counts.
She hadn’t even heard Noah stir but suddenly felt his arms come around her and she leant back against him as he stood there despite her better judgement.
‘You okay?’ he asked.
‘Just worried about what today brings,’ she replied, not untruthfully. ‘Hopefully the skies will clear before tonight’s meteor shower.’
‘It’ll be fine,’ he murmured, before reaching down to kiss her neck. ‘I promise.’
She nodded, believing him about the weather but not about their relationship.
Still feeling blue, she headed over to the Boathouse Café once she had dressed on the pretext of helping Hannah out. When she arrived, she found Lily and Ella had already arrived before her, despite the early hour.
‘So?’ she asked, as she joined them at one of the tables. ‘How’s everyone?’
But as if her best friends had some kind of sixth sense, they all turned at once to look at Beth with knowing smiles on their faces.
As always, she couldn’t fake anything with them and couldn’t return their smiles. She watched in dismay as their happy faces quickly turned into frowns.
‘What is it? Is it Jeremy?’ asked Lily.
‘Because Alex is quite happy to throw him in the lake if necessary,’ added Hannah.
‘Good idea,’ said Ella with a firm nod.
But Beth carried on shaking her head. ‘It’s not him,’ she said.
‘What’s happened?’ asked Hannah, reaching across the table to take Beth’s hand.
‘Everything. Nothing,’ replied Beth in a dull tone.
‘Everything?’ prompted Lily. ‘Noah?’
Beth nodded.
‘I told you I saw them heading over to the lodge last night,’ said Ella with a smug nod. ‘But then what? Is he rubbish in bed?’
‘No!’ spluttered Beth, blushing. ‘It was amazing but…’
‘But?’ prompted Hannah.
Beth sat still, unable to get the words out, even to her best friends.
‘I’ll kill him if he’s hurt you,’ said Ella, scowling.
Beth shook her head. ‘He’s my rebound guy, remember?
He can’t possibly hurt me because that would mean I care for him and I don’t.
I really don’t.’ Her voice cracked on the last word and tears began to fall down her cheeks, betraying her need to try and hold it together.
‘Just ignore me,’ she told them, brushing her wet face with her hand.
‘Ignore you when you’re crying and upset?’ asked Lily. ‘Absolutely not.’
‘It’s all my fault,’ said Beth, with a sniff. ‘It was all fun and fake and stuff. We said we weren’t going to get involved. But I broke the rules of rebound dating. I fell in love with him.’
‘Oh, honey,’ said Ella, shaking her head. ‘A man like that doesn’t love anyone if he doesn’t even love himself.’
Beth frowned. ‘Actually, I think he now loves Walter and the rest of the family as well. He’s changed.
’ She looked at Ella. ‘So you’re wrong about that.
He just doesn’t trust people. I can’t give you all the details because it’s personal but life dealt him a rotten card in the beginning.
He just automatically protects himself from ever getting hurt again. ’
‘But you wouldn’t hurt him,’ said Hannah.
‘I know.’ Beth sighed. ‘But he needs his security. He’s been very honest with me about not wanting a long-term relationship. He would never mislead me the way Jeremy did. He’s not a liar.’
‘But he should have told you all of this before you got involved,’ said Lily, shaking her head in dismay.
‘He did but I didn’t listen,’ replied Beth.
Her best friends all sighed at the same time.
‘Do you regret it?’ asked Hannah. ‘Getting involved with him, I mean.’
‘No. It’s been the most wonderful time of my life being with him,’ said Beth. ‘He’s taught me so much about myself including how to be more realistic about who I might end up with. About my future relationships. And for that, I’m truly grateful to him.’
The trouble was, she knew deep down that any future relationships were doomed. Nobody would ever match up to Noah and how could they? He felt like the other half of her.
‘Does he know how you feel?’ asked Lily.
‘Absolutely not. That would be utterly mortifying. We made a promise to not commit to each other and I’m sticking to that.
’ Beth sighed. ‘The sad thing is that anyone else he dates won’t know what I know.
They won’t know the kindness underneath that hard shell he’s built around himself.
And he’ll be alone again and that’s not fair.
He deserves not to be alone. He deserves to be loved.
’ Her voice caught again and she took a sip of the hot chocolate which Hannah had pushed across the table towards her.
‘Talk to him,’ urged Hannah.
Beth shook her head. ‘I can’t. It’s for the best that we just leave it and move on. And it’s important that I must move on. So on that subject, I’m taking the job, by the way. The cruise ship in Antarctica.’
Her friends looked shocked. ‘You are?’ they chorused.
‘You’re leaving?’ said Hannah, biting her lip.
‘They’ve just emailed me back,’ Beth told them, glancing at her phone. ‘They’re really keen for me to get going. And as the meteor shower finishes tonight, it looks like if I set off tomorrow then I’ll be just in time for one of the many flights and boats that it’ll take to get me there.’
‘You’re leaving that soon?’ asked Ella, aghast.
‘You can’t leave yet,’ said Lily, looking upset.
They were all close to tears.
‘I have to,’ replied Beth. ‘This is his family home, not mine. He has a family of his own now and that’s so much more important than what I can give him.’
‘Are you sure about that?’ asked Lily.
‘Why can’t he have both?’ added Ella.
‘Because life doesn’t work out that way,’ said Beth.
The tears poured down her face once more as she tried to process what an unholy mess she had got herself into. She loved him so much she was prepared to leave Maple Tree Lodge so that he could be happy. It was the ultimate sacrifice.
Thanks to Noah’s encouragement, she could be herself now.
She knew that she could stand on her own two feet.
Her blog was getting more followers each week.
She could talk about the thing she loved, the stars, now.
She believed in herself. The happy ever after she had always wanted she now had.
It didn’t include romantic love but she loved herself now.
Perhaps that would have to be enough without Noah’s love as well.
Ella put her arm around Beth’s shoulders and leant her head in so they were each touching. Everyone was upset as they all reached across the table to hold hands.
‘At least there’s one bit of good news this morning,’ said Lily eventually into the silence that followed.
‘Thank goodness,’ murmured Hannah, with a sniff. ‘What is it?’
Lily pointed out of the window. ‘The cloud’s lifting,’ she told them, in a teary voice.
Beth turned her face and realised it was true. There were patches of blue sky amongst the cloud which were reflected in the water of Dragonfly Lake below.
Thank goodness, she thought. Perhaps with the sky clearing, there would be time for one more miracle before she left Noah behind for good.