Chapter 4
Nantucket Island
Three days after Bethany’s so-called “menopause party,” she was at the gynecologist. Dr. Schreiber wore horn-rimmed glasses and a passive expression that made it difficult for her to read his thoughts.
Bethany often wondered how she came across to her patients: warm and inviting or stern and passionless.
Sometimes when you were delivering the worst possible news, it was difficult to know exactly how to express it. Nothing was easy.
But Dr. Schreiber, now, was giving her what should have been good news, she supposed. He was telling her that despite her age of forty-five, she was pregnant with her fourth child. “You’re about eight weeks along,” he said.
Although Bethany had read the pregnancy test herself and seen those two pink lines, she gaped at him as though he were speaking a different language. “I don’t understand,” she said. “I thought I was in menopause.”
“It happens more than you think,” he told her. “Some of the symptoms are the same.”
She already knew that. She’d spent nearly every sleepless night since Saturday reading stories from women who’d had babies in their mid- to late-forties.
Most of the women sounded exhausted, as if they were at the end of their rope.
Some of them said that this was the greatest blessing to ever befall them, but other women said that those women were lying.
It was a strange and murky world, Bethany knew.
“I’m too old,” Bethany said nervously. “I mean, isn’t it unhealthy?”
“The pregnancy looks perfectly healthy right now,” Dr. Schreiber said.
“I don’t think we have anything to be worried about right now.
Of course, we’ll closely monitor the situation.
We’ll keep tabs. We’ll do bloodwork. But all that to say, you aren’t the oldest pregnant patient I have right now.
This is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. ”
But was it reasonable? Bethany thought that word choice was bizarre.
“Reasonable” was synonymous with “logical,” she thought, and nothing about having a baby right now was logical.
She got up, thanked the doctor, and floated through the waiting room, through the back hallway that led away from the clinic, and into the greater Nantucket hospital.
She was headed into surgery, in fact, an open-heart surgery during which she’d have to have her wits about her.
As soon as she had her scrubs on, her worries ran away from her. She couldn’t focus on the baby, nor on her family’s future, not when she had someone’s life in her hands.
As it happened, this was the final week of the kids’ school before summer break.
Many months ago, Bethany and Rod had arranged a family vacation, and as soon as Bethany got home from her (fully successful) open-heart surgery, she had to pack.
Tommy, Maddie, and Phoebe were bubbly with anticipation for the upcoming trip, and Rod was eager as well, trying on various button-down shirts and asking Bethany which one to bring.
As Bethany moved through her house and filled her suitcase, she struggled to make sense of this new world. She still hadn’t told Rod nor her kids about her pregnancy. She wasn’t sure when the perfect time would be.
She tried to guess what the kids would say, first of all.
She imagined that they wouldn’t be entirely pleased.
Their lives up till this point had been just them plus Bethany and their father, before they’d had to leave their father behind.
Rod had been added to the mix, but that had taken work, as well.
They’d had to learn how to be a family of five again.
Now, they would be a family of six. A miraculous, loud, needy baby. Could they handle it?
As she packed, Rod came up behind her and kissed her neck. “How was your day?” he asked. It felt as though they hadn’t had a moment to themselves in a while.
“Oh, it was fine,” Bethany lied. “I had a surgery. It went well.”
“My brilliant surgeon,” Rod said. “You need a break, I think.”
“I really do,” Bethany affirmed.
In the car the following morning, Bethany glanced behind her to see her three children, quiet and watchful.
They’d just left Hyannis Port and were speeding down the mainland’s highway toward the big city.
The plan tonight was dinner followed by a Broadway show.
Phoebe, in particular, was excited about the show.
Bethany guessed that she’d daydreamed that she, herself, was involved in the production, and her name was in lights.
Bethany wanted to believe that Phoebe could have whatever life she wanted.
When they reached the hotel, they had the car valeted and went upstairs to their family suite.
Maddie and Phoebe had a room; Bethany and Rod had the primary bedroom; and Tommy was on the pull-out sofa in the living room.
The televisions were bigger than the ones they had at home, and the snack cabinets were stocked with all kinds of chips, pretzels, and popcorn.
Maddie tore open a bag and threw popcorn so that it landed in Tommy’s mouth. It was their favorite game.
“All right, everyone,” Bethany said, laughing. “Let’s get dressed and head out.”
As Rod and Bethany walked behind the kids, they held hands and let themselves drop into the city's chaos and beauty. Bethany tried to forget about the baby and the conversations she needed to have. She tried to indulge.
Dinner was at an Italian restaurant in Little Italy.
Bethany ordered a sparkling water, and when Rod asked if she wanted to split a bottle of red wine, she said, “Okay,” and then didn’t drink any of it after it was poured in her glass.
The kids ordered pastas with decadent sauces.
The conversation bubbled, though Bethany hardly contributed.
She liked listening to her kids get along with her husband.
She liked to feel their warmth, their glow.
“Mom, are you all right?” Phoebe asked, eyeing Bethany’s hardly touched lasagna.
“My stomach is a little weird today,” Bethany said, smiling.
“Will you be okay during the show?” Rod asked, furrowing his brow.
Bethany wasn’t sure. “I’ll pick up an anti-nausea medication on the way,” she said, praying this would calm her stomach down.
But midway through the first act, Bethany got to her feet and hurried to the bathroom.
There, she threw up, her eyes filling with tears.
She could hear the music, the singing. She wanted to be out there, celebrating the end of the school year with her family.
Instead, she was in here, feeling sick with secrets. She’d never felt so alone in her life.
When she emerged from the bathroom, she found Rod in the foyer, waiting for her. His face was marred with worry. “Honey, are you all right?” he asked, scooping her into a hug.
Bethany burst into tears, sobbing in a way that echoed through the foyer. Rod led her down the red stairs and out onto the street, where they stood near the ticket office.
“Whatever it is, we can get through it,” Rod told her, stroking her hair. “I want to be there for you through everything.”
Bethany guessed he thought she was really sick, maybe with a disease she didn’t want to confess to.
“I don’t know how to tell you,” she whispered.
Rod looked hurt. “I thought we could tell each other everything.”
Bethany grimaced. She gazed out beyond Rod, toward the taxi cabs stuck in traffic. They were bright yellow, almost poisonous. She wondered what would have happened if she’d moved to New York City after university instead of Savannah. She wondered what kind of life she would have had.
She was forty-five years old. How old would she be when the baby graduated? Sixty-three? Sixty-four? Math felt beyond her just then.
“Bethany, I don’t want to be angry with you,” Rod said, sounding defeated. “But I don’t like being left in the dark.”
Bethany inhaled deeply. She told herself she had to be brave—braver than she’d been during her divorce, braver than she’d been when she’d left Nick. Brave enough to embrace a terrifying level of change.
“I’m pregnant,” she said in a meek voice.
Rod’s eyebrows popped high up to his brow line. He was quiet for a moment too long. “You’re pregnant,” he repeated.
Bethany and Rod were quiet, there on the street in front of the Broadway stage. For a strange, horrifying moment, Bethany thought Rod was going to leave her. Maybe he’d say he didn’t sign up for this, that he’d already raised a daughter, that he was done.
But instead, he hugged her tightly and whispered, “We’re going to have a baby.”
This crushed Bethany’s heart. “Yes,” she whispered. “We’re going to have a baby.”
When their hug broke, Rod’s smile was unbreakable.
“We have to celebrate!” he cried. He led her to a nearby little restaurant, where they ordered nonalcoholic champagne and toasted.
Bethany couldn’t believe how relieved she was that Rod carried her secret, now, too.
Eagerly, Rod asked her to share all the details: how she’d found out, what the doctor said, and why she’d kept the news to herself so far.
“Truthfully? I was terrified. I’m still terrified,” Bethany said, scrunching her face.
“I’m old. Older than I ever imagined I would be, if I ever did this again.
I was looking forward to our future together, you and me, childfree and traveling around the world.
I didn’t imagine it would be like this.”
Rod cupped her hand in his. Their nonalcoholic champagne sparkled and bubbled in their beautiful flute glasses.
“It would have been nice. Fun, even,” Rod said of that future. “But we’re going to have a blast, raising a baby together. We’re going to love that baby with everything we are.”
Bethany wanted to keep this moment close to her heart forever.
She imagined, years from now, telling their daughter or son about the moment she and Rod had sat here, dreaming about their future.
She imagined telling their child: “We loved each other so much that we needed to have a baby, if only to spread our love around.”
“I don’t know how to tell the kids,” Bethany said suddenly, destroying the beautiful bubble around them.
Rod took her worry seriously, which frightened her. “You know how kids are. They don’t like change. I guess nobody does,” he said.
“They’re going to be out of the house sooner rather than later,” Bethany said. “I don’t want them to think they have to help, or that they’ll be free babysitters or anything. They’ve earned their teenage years. And I’ve put them through enough.”
Rod laughed. “You’ve loved them hard. You’ve done everything you can for them.”
“I moved them around. I divorced their father,” Bethany said.
Rod shook his head. “You’ve loved them. You’ve done everything to make them happier and healthier. It’s what you’ll do for our baby, too. I can’t wait to see it all happen. It’s going to be beautiful.”
Later, when the Broadway show was finished, Rod and Bethany met the kids outside. Phoebe looked euphoric. She had already sung all the songs. Maddie and Tommy were pretending that they’d thought the show was boring, although obviously they hadn’t.
The topic of why Bethany and Rod had left the show early came and went.
“I told you, I wasn’t feeling well,” Bethany said, shrugging as they headed for the hotel for the night. “Rod left the show to keep my company.”
“You shouldn’t have,” Phoebe said to Rod seriously. “You missed something spectacular.”
“You’ll have to perform it for me later,” Rod said.
Phoebe raised her eyebrows. “I’ll do what I can.” Never had anyone taken on anything more solemnly.
“Uh-oh,” Maddie said, glancing at Tommy. “Looks like we’ll be hearing those songs for the rest of the week.”
“Watch out, Manhattan. Phoebe’s here, and she’s ready for her close-up,” Tommy said.
Phoebe threw her head back dramatically, and everyone laughed.
Bethany allowed herself the joy of this moment. She loved the sounds of traffic and her children’s laughter. She loved Rod’s assurances. But all the while, nerves shimmered in her gut.
She prayed it would turn out all right.