Chapter 21
Falling Behind
As we stood in the courtyard, waiting to hear the midterm results, I ruminated.
This place was just another cage. Sure, it smelled better than the Reformatory and there were more luxuries, but we weren't any freer here than Henrik, Yeshar, and I had been there. The leash was so tight around my neck it was strangling.
Being here was more palatable, but that didn't make the truth any less likely to throttle me.
Or maybe I was just panicking because my singular King Protea blossom couldn't have been good enough to pass the midterm.
Yeshar looked confident, chatting amicably with half a dozen other trainees and Instructor Penbrook. Henrik had positioned himself at the opposite end of the courtyard. His plum discoloration was fading.
Maybe the mysterious glyph on my chest also gave me the ability to paralyze myself with anxiety.
Nah, that’s innate.
My life was starting to resemble a wild dream, violent and merciless as it twisted and deformed. I didn’t care for the new shape it was taking.
Instructor Garcien stepped forward. “We have completed our evaluation from the results of the midterm. Before we reveal the results, would Orin Miller please step forward.”
A murmur rose up over the courtyard as everyone began whispering at once. Orin looked bewildered but proud as he moved toward the podium.
“For dishonorable, disreputable, and unacceptable conduct toward a fellow trainee and teammate, you are hereby expelled from Voyager training.” My sore jaw unhinged itself, hanging wide open.
I had presumed they'd give him a lower score since he didn't bring back any of his own flowers, maybe minor disciplinary action. But Instructor Garcien wasn't done yet.
“You have been sentenced to four months in the Reformatory for assault and petty theft, and you have one hour to pack your things and vacate the premises. You will do so under the supervision of two Sentinels.”
Orin's face was stricken, the whites of his eyes too wild as he looked around the courtyard. Seeing him like that, I pulled my mouth shut, smoothing out my expression.
His gaze caught mine, and his fear transformed to anger.
“She's lying!” he yelled, pointing directly at me. “I didn't do it, she was injured before the midterm started! I didn't do anything to her!”
Before he could get out another word, Zevrial hauled him up by his upper arms, dropping him off the podium where he fell onto his knees on the ground.
“She didn't report you. We have witness testimony from a third party who came across the scene.” He picked up a sheet of bark with Orin’s midterm scores on it, crumpling it into a ball and dropping it onto Orin’s back.
Orin stuttered as he floundered back to his feet. He looked like a water strider stranded on dry land. “B-But I'm innocent!”
Instructor Garcien moved forward now, her face terrible. “You are anything but innocent, and because of this additional disorderly and disruptive conduct, you'll be escorted directly to the Reformatory to await sentencing. Your belongings will be available for you upon your release.”
Two Sentinels moved away from the wall where I hadn’t noticed them hovering, taking a hold of Orin’s shoulders as he began to yell In panic. They must have come in before the gate closed, either from perimeter patrol duty or guard duty at the Reformatory.
“I didn't do anything! I swear! I didn't! I have to stay here!” I tuned his cries out, staring blankly ahead.
Fighting won’t be tolerated. With anyone.
The people I'd tripped and shoved during the Mistrun rose to my mind. The twin whose wrist I’d broken when he tried to skewer me. Was I any better than Orin, doing whatever it took to get ahead?
It wasn't the same, but it was too close for my comfort.
I hadn't attacked or seriously injured anyone at the outpost, or stolen from them, and the Mistrun had been a competition of individual ability.
The midterm had been a team based challenge, and Orin had intentionally assaulted and stolen from his own teammate just to get ahead.
You’ve only done what you had to.
I gulped down a salty taste filling my throat.
I hadn't intended to harm any of my Mistrun competitors except when I was endangered, but I hadn't slowed down to check on anyone either.
Did I know for certain I hadn't injured those I’d tripped?
Had Orin intended to seriously harm me? Recalling his words, hadn't he tried to coerce me into giving up the flowers willingly first?
You didn’t leave him a choice.
The thought made me incredibly uncomfortable. I couldn't do what Orin had done to me, but it wasn't because we were being judged on our ability to work as a team. And it wasn’t because it was wrong, or because the selfish notion didn’t occur to me. It wasn't even because I wasn't capable of it.
You’re capable of much worse.
The salty taste intensified, invisible fingers covering my mouth.
I couldn't do the same as Orin to a teammate because I'd been on the receiving end of it myself, now.
I had to be better than that. I wouldn't do something like this to someone else, ever again.
I'd let myself be weighed on my own merit, not subtract from the efforts of others to try to spare myself.
Never again.
Raising my chin, I continued to stare ahead as he was dragged out of the courtyard, still howling his denials.
I wasn't a good person. After everything I'd done in the Reformatory that was clear.
But I could become a better person. That was something I could change.
“Now, for the evaluation results you all have been waiting for,” Instructor Garcien said. “The team in first place, Navy Team. This team demonstrated not only the most competence from their lessons and training, but that they are capable of collaboration and ingenuity under pressure.”
A cheer went up from behind me, and I looked back to see Sarina and the rest of her team pumping their fists into the air.
Instructor Garcien was wearing that patient expression of hers again as she continued. “Second place, Yellow Team. They were able to return with the second highest quality and quantity of King Protea.”
Another round of cheering went up behind me, as Veridiana's team celebrated.
“Third place, Red Team. They completed the assignment with minimal difficulty, and returned with several high quality flowers.” Izaiah and Talissa whooped energetically.
I waited to hear our team’s placement.
“...Lime Team, second to last was Green Team. In last place was Orange Team.”
Pasha frowned. “Well at least we weren't last. And it’s just for the midterm, not finals.”
I suppressed a frown. Henrik's team had gotten last place. Humiliation flushed my cheeks as I looked down.
Georlan’s posture had slumped. “Let’s hope they don’t weed out everyone on Orange and Green.”
Instructor Garcien continued. “For the individual evaluations, we would like to celebrate the following individuals.
Jevin Belton for his quick thinking that was instrumental in Navy Teams first place victory.
Veridiana Clark, for distinguishing herself as the most capable individual performer, having completed three round trips.
And Wyatt O'Malley, for his dedication and support of his team members.” Instructor Garcien cleared her throat to quiet down the noise rising up from her announcement.
“Please return to the barracks, dinner will be served in thirty minutes. Would the following trainees please come speak with me: Yeshar Dunst, Phayden Lowry, Henrik Tanner, and Lisia Baylen.”
Dread settled in my stomach like a boulder as the courtyard emptied out.
“In case you haven't deduced why you're still here, Instructor Weavir is informing those that failed the midterm now. You each barely passed,” Instructor Garcien said.
I dared to lift my chin and look at her. We hadn't failed? We weren't being kicked out?
“Yeshar, you ignored your team's plan and abandoned them to set off on your own, barely making it back in time with your four flowers. Henrik, you were severely injured, and your flowers were torn to tatters. Phayden, you returned with the wrong type of flowers entirely, and argued with your teammates to the point of delaying your entire team. Lisia, you only managed to return with a single flower, and it was limp.” She let out a sigh.
I hung my head. Her disappointment hit like a physical blow. I wasn't sure at what point I had started caring about her approval, but here I was, feeling like I'd never attain it.
“This isn't meant to discourage you. If it had been one small problem, we could have overlooked the issues.
If you had returned with the correct flowers and they had been high quality, but you'd been minorly injured, you would not be here.
However, with these scores, you'll each be receiving additional tutoring, specifically in the areas you need to improve in,” she said.
“Yeshar, you'll meet with Instructor Weavir.” Yeshar’s face stayed neutral. “Philip, you'll meet with me. Lisia, and Henrik, you'll be meeting with Instructor Tyrell.”
“Okay,” I said, feeling defeated. Hadn't this been exactly what Zevrial had warned me about, that if I didn't do specialized training with someone like Veridiana, I would have a subpar performance during the midterm? Acknowledging my own culpability was a bitter truth to swallow.
It was made even more bitter knowing I'd have to spend additional time with Zevrial.
“The additional tutoring you'll each need will be at your instructor's discretion. Should you fail to perform during the finals, we'll have a different conversation.” Instructor Garcien's eyes softened.
“Being a Voyager is challenging. Unlike every other service, we must make choices every day, constantly.
That is how we survive traveling across the miasma.
The choices you make will determine whether you and your crew members live or die, how much Starshell you're able to acquire, the condition your Arc returns in. The choices you make right now will determine whether you make it to graduation. It will be hard,” she stressed.
“A third of trainees don't graduate each year.”
That was news. It was a shockingly high number.
“The lessons and training exercises won't get easier. If you don't choose, right now, to put in the extra effort and focus where you need to, then you might as well leave.”
Phayden glanced toward the gate.
“It must be intentional effort from each of you. Don’t try indiscriminately harder to be better at everything. Yeshar, you had one of the highest individual scores on your intelligence and endurance.”
That will make him easier to live with.
“Lisia, your persistence is likely the only reason you were able to make it back at all, you had a very high score on tenacity and perseverance.”
It was a hollow consolation prize, but I clung onto her words, nonetheless.
“Leaning into your strengths is its own kind of savvy, but it won't be enough to carry you. You need to be well-rounded.” She pointed beyond the gate.
“If you lack harmony with your team, physical ability, or intelligence, you'll die out there.” She tucked a loose lock of salt-and-pepper hair behind her ear.
“We do our best to try to support everyone, point them in the right direction, and help them rise to their full potential. But not everyone does. I have faith that each of you can become fine Voyagers.” She looked between each of us, brown eyes sharp and warm.
“Yeah, thanks for that,” Henrik muttered.
“That especially includes you, Henrik,” she favored him with a patient smile. “I have high hopes for each of you, no matter how many times you disrupt my lessons.”
“Yeah, whatever.” He walked toward the barracks.
“And doing that will ensure we don’t wash out?” Yeshar asked.
“Yes, for now,” Instructor Garcien said. He and Phayden headed toward the barracks as well. I hung back.
“Do you think it's odd that Henrik, Yeshar and I all ended up needing additional support?” I asked.
“No,” I didn't hear any pity in her voice.
“And I know it is harder because of your history. But Voyager training is hard on everyone. Sarina, for example, might have been one of the top scorers if not for her strength scores. Her size is something she works to overcome, not something she uses as an excuse.”
“It’s not an excuse, it’s just...” I sighed, trying to find the right words. “It’s frustrating to try so hard, and still come up short.”
“It can be counterproductive, trying too hard,” Instructor Garcien advised.
“The pressure you three are under is different than everyone else here, and this is something that happens almost every year. It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, where trying too hard to keep from failing ends up ensuring you fail.”
Her words from the bamboo grove about teaching how to fail with dignity crossed my mind.
She clasped her hands in front of her. “Not every Apostate who fails Voyager training is sent back to the Reformatory.”
She had my full undivided attention now. “What do you mean?”
“There are exceptions. We instructors can petition the Prelates if we receive a trainee who shines especially bright, but won't graduate. It doesn't happen every year, but there is precedent. Apostate trainees can go on to perform in other services.”
The Prelates were the highest authority in the Ascendancy. They determined the laws of the island and handed out judgments to anyone who didn't adhere to the edicts they set forth. Their decisions were absolute. They'd been the ones to sentence my family for 'overcrowding'.
My brain lit up like a courtyard full of trainees talking all at once. One question was more significant than all the others whirling through. “What...qualifies a trainee for such consideration?”
“No need to dance around what you're really trying to ask. If you want out of Voyager training, I will send a petition for you.”
My heart was performing its own drum solo.
“Don't rush such a significant choice, though,” she continued. “Take some time to consider it. And remember that I truly believe that you will become an incredible Voyager, one day. Ultimately, it is your decision.”
I was still dumbfounded at the revelation that my future could be more than being a Voyager or returning to the Reformatory.
“You should get some rest though. I know you came back injured from the midterm,” she urged.
I walked back to the barracks in a daze.
It felt like the outpost had been elevated up into the clouds. I could hardly believe that another alternative existed where my future wasn't entirely predetermined.
This changed everything.