Chapter 37 #3
“One more blip in a long line of assholes,” I shoved at him until he let up so I could pull my underwear and pants on.
As hasty as we’d been, none of my clothing had torn.
“Don’t worry about Nikolach, he won’t try again.
I beat him bloody.” Sighing, I retrieved the bottle so I could sip the remaining sweetstalk nectar.
“Why were you in the Reformatory anyway?”
He stood, wrapping large warm arms around me. I leaned into him for strength. “It’s a long story.”
His fingers traced delicious shapes on the skin of my hips beneath my hemline. “We’ve got time.”
Silence took over as I searched for somewhere to start.
I struggled to get the words out over the sudden thickness of my tongue.
“My parents lied to the Ascendancy. Told them I was raped because I was already betrothed and Nessa wasn’t.
They already had everything arranged for my future, and there would be no risk to her future prospects. ”
“Who’s Nessa?”
“My sister.” Holy Devourer but it was difficult to talk about any of this. And he had no context, either. Even cracked wide open after sleeping with him, my mouth felt like it was sewn shut. “I told the Ascendancy the truth.”
Zevrial didn’t say anything, waiting patiently for me to continue even as the quiet put on weight. I took a deep breath, gazing out the window at the dark miasmic layer. “I was never attacked. My parents told the Ascendancy I was to hide the truth about Alaric.”
“Who’s Alaric?”
I hugged myself as I moved to the other end of the room. This was too much. I wasn’t ready to talk about it, even after two years. Would this damage ever heal? “Listen, this was fun. But I should get back before someone notices I’m missing.”
Zevrial followed me, trapping my hands in his before I could finish putting my socks back on. “Who’s Alaric?” His voice was firm.
My lips opened, ready to give another excuse. To lie, to change the subject.
Zevrial had lost family, just like Sarina and I. I hadn’t been able to tell her about Alaric because learning about Corra had carved a fresh dent in me. My trust was frayed at the edges from Orin and Henrik. They’d all had reasons for their secrets, but it still hurt.
Zevrial hadn’t hidden himself from me, he’d shown me his illegal Skinscript, and revealed his theft of Starshells.
He’d even told me about his missing parents, despite how difficult it sounded for him to speak about.
I had to start trusting again eventually, and his concern was seeping through the glyphs that linked us.
The words held a monumental crushing pressure as I whispered, “My baby brother.”
Zevrial stiffened, rubbing up and down my arm as he spoke.
“But you already have a sister…” He trailed off as he pieced it together.
“Your parents pretended someone assaulted you, and that Alaric was yours, instead of theirs. But the Ascendancy penalizes adult criminals by returning them to the Devourer. You were underage, and didn’t share that the real overcrowding criminals were your own parents.
So they incarcerated you for concealing the crime, since they couldn’t get a confession. ”
I nodded. It felt strange and oddly relieving, having someone else know the truth. “I thought all the instructors knew.”
He frowned. “Why would you think that?”
“Instructor Garcien knew,” I said. “Or, at least I think she did.”
Zevrial stepped away, beginning to pace the length of the room. “There weren’t any small children at the wedding.”
He wanted me to say it, and I couldn’t.
“What happened to Alaric? After you admitted you weren’t attacked?”
“You know what happened.” I squeezed my hands together to stop their trembling. “The same thing that happens to all children of overcrowding.”
“But you confessed,” he said. I could feel his frustration, confusion, and anger rising. “This is a lot to process. This is…” His lips pressed together into a straight line. “Why didn’t you lie?”
“I was–” A child. Sick of lying. Foolishly devout enough to believe the Devourer had decreed it.
Exhausted from parenting my sibling. Trapped between two impossible choices.
“Forget it. I shouldn’t have said anything.
” I headed for the door barefoot. Staying here another minute wasn’t worth the cost of another pair of boots.
“Wait. We need to talk through this.”
“No, we don’t.” I was halfway to the door.
He edged between me and the door. I shoved at him, then stepped around him when he refused to budge.
He grabbed my shoulder, spinning me back to face him. “Help me understand. Your parents doubled down on their lie to the Ascendancy?”
I hugged myself again. My momentary relief had evaporated, all that was left was crushing guilt and remorse.
“They’d be returned to the Devourer if they admitted to knowing I wasn’t assaulted.
There was no way to prove who Alaric’s true parents were…
and they’re,” I choked on the words. “They’re my parents. I couldn’t let them die.”
His eyes narrowed. “But it was fine to let your brother die?” I ripped my shoulder out from under his grip. He reached for me again, his gaze softening as he braced an arm on both shoulders. “I want to understand. But what the hell, Lisia? How could you do that? To your own family?”
I shook his hand off. Tears lodging themselves at the corners of my eyes. “You don’t know me. You didn’t even know I had a sister, or a brother, until one minute ago. You don’t know what you’re even talking about.”
“I know that family is the most important thing there is.” He stepped closer. “And you threw yours away.” His eyes were accusatory.
“How dare you.” I glared at him. “How dare you judge me when you have no idea what happened. I didn’t just ‘throw him away!’”
He ran a hand through his hair. “Then what? Explain it to me. Because it sounds like you refused to lie even when it would’ve saved your brother’s life.”
“Yeah, I’m entirely at fault.”
He hesitated, emotions warring over his expression. His emotions bled together into a muddy mess inside me. “Then tell me. Who’s fault was it? What happened?”
“Does it matter? He’s dead.” The words tumbled like rocks eroding away my heart. “You’re more interested in acting superior than listening to me anyway.”
“I’m asking how the fuck you could give up your family?” He grabbed my arm again. I yanked it back.
“You know what, I don’t have to explain myself to you.” I turned, reaching for the door handle.
He slammed his palm against the door, forcing it shut before it opened. “Stop trying to run away.”
“You’re the one who ran,” I seethed. “We kissed and you ran before you had to face any consequences. Just like you’re fighting with me now to try to avoid discussing anything real.”
“You sacrificed a baby! I’d say that’s pretty fucking real.”
“I did. And if I could rewind time, I’d do the same thing again. I’m vile.”
“That’s not what I said.” His hands fell to his sides.
“You didn’t have to. I already know it.” An unbalanced smile split my face, even as tears spilled out. “And now you know it, too. Remember that next time, before you think I’m some innocent who needs protecting.”
Throwing the door open I ducked back into the next cabin over. I ignored the damning silence that followed me.