Chapter Eleven
‘I’ve read your text,’ snapped Robin. ‘What’s suddenly so urgent that I had to call you before – and I quote – entering Samantha’s supermarket freezer ?’
I was back home, a TV dinner on my lap, watching Corrie with a dribbling dog at my feet. Cindy’s eyes were unblinking and firmly trained on my lasagne dinner-for-one.
I hastily muted the volume at a rather crucial point in my telly viewing. Would Rowan Cunliffe continue to successfully woo the na?ve and vulnerable Leanne Battersby?
‘Hey, Robin,’ I said, attempting as much friendliness as I could muster. ‘How are you?’
‘No better for your asking,’ he said tetchily.
Excellent news. I took a huge breath.
‘I wanted to speak to you because I’ve had a rethink. I’m happy for you and Samantha to buy me out.’
There was a stunned pause.
‘Forgive me for being rendered speechless,’ said Robin eventually. ‘It’s just that the last time I asked you to sell you said – and I quote – over my dead body and Samantha’s bald vagina .’
‘Yes, yes, I know,’ I blustered. ‘But it’s time to put the past behind us.’
‘Is that so?’ said Robin caustically.
‘Indeed. And perhaps, when this is all over, Samantha and I might even one day become friends.’ The idea sounded preposterous even to my ears, but I ploughed on. ‘We could start off by exchanging Christmas cards. Maybe even a small gift. Obviously, I’d buy her something she needed. Like a merkin.’
‘A what?’
‘A pubic wig. But anyway’ – don’t bitch, Tilly, keep the conversation moving in the right direction – ‘the thing is, I’ve seen the light.’
No need to mention that it had been star light.
‘Have you gone all religious?’ Robin demanded. ‘Only I can’t quite believe what I’m hearing.’
Me neither. I adopted a meek tone.
‘I simply think it’s better to be friendly, so that we can get this situation resolved. After all, it’s been mentally ex haust ing,’ I said wearily – as if I’d been browbeaten into giving up the marital home.
‘Hm,’ said Robin. ‘I smell a rat.’
‘No rat,’ I said quickly. ‘So, what do you say? Move in tomorrow?’
‘Tomorrow?’ Robin gasped. ‘Tilly, are you feeling okay?’
‘Never better,’ I assured. ‘Would you like to buy the house fully furnished?’
‘Forgive me,’ said Robin faintly. ‘But I’m struggling to get to grips with your change of heart.’
‘Believe it,’ I said firmly. ‘So, what’s your preference?’
‘Look,’ said Robin, rallying. ‘There needs to be some compromises between the two of us. That and a few promises.’
Oh-God-oh-God-oh-God! Was Robin revving up to do a deal?
‘I’m all ears,’ I said eagerly.
‘Right,’ he said, warming to his task. ‘I will buy the marital home at the full asking price-’
‘Ye sss ,’ I breathed, mentally punching the air.
‘And you will leave the contents within out of the goodness of your heart-’
‘Yes, yes, yes,’ I gibbered.
‘ Provided you accept my offer as a clean break settlement and don’t go after my pension pot.’
‘Done,’ I shouted.
If I’d been at an auction house, this would have been the moment the hammer had fallen with a crash.
Sold to the smirk at the back!
From the other end of the line was a bemused silence. I sensed Robin scratching his head. Well, it was either that or his balls. He’d often done the latter when negotiating.
‘Tell me,’ he said curiously. ‘Have you met someone else?’
‘Nope.’
‘Then why all this sudden urgency?’
‘Because,’ I said mysteriously.
‘Because what?’
‘Just because,’ I said, refusing to elaborate.
‘Right,’ said Robin after another pause. ‘Obviously I’m buying the house with Samanatha.’
‘Obviously,’ I said, as my lip involuntarily curled.
‘And it’s only fair that she has a proper look at the place.’
‘Has she not already seen it?’ I said, fishing.
I wasn’t convinced that Robin hadn’t smuggled Samantha in on at least one occasion. Like the time I’d gone to Cornwall to see Mum and Dad. Alone. Robin had cited pressing work issues for not coming along too.
‘Samantha hasn’t seen the house,’ he said quickly. ‘So, as you’re now keen to be besties with my girlfriend, I’d appreciate you letting her look around one evening fairly soon.’
‘Not a problem,’ I assured. ‘I’ll even offer her a cup of tea and a biscuit. I have a feeling she might be partial to Gari bald i.’
‘Tilly,’ said Robin in a pained voice. ‘You may be forty-nine years of age, but sometimes you are incredibly immature.’
‘And sometimes’ – I said sweetly – ‘you are an incredible knob.’
‘Okay,’ Robin sighed. ‘I guess that’s our daily dose of amicability over and done with. Meanwhile, we will speak to our respective solicitors tomorrow morning, yes?’
‘Yes,’ I replied crisply.
‘And I’ll let you know when Samantha will be popping over.’
‘That would be most’ – I gritted my teeth – ‘agreeable.’
If being pleasant to Sexy Samantha meant securing Starlight Cottage before anyone else got off the conveyancing starting block, then so be it.
I ended the call and grinned at my still slavering dog.
‘Starlight Cottage, here we come,’ I trilled, resisting the urge to upend my plate and jump for joy. ‘Milo Soren, eat your heart out.’
Amazing, drawled Cindy. Meanwhile, do you need some help with that lasagne?
‘No, thanks,’ I said, hugging the plate possessively.
Unmuting the volume on the television, the lounge was filled with the wail of an ambulance siren. Leanne’s sister was being rushed off to hospital.
Blimey, it was all happening – and not just in Corrie.