Chapter Forty-Eight
‘And that is how that chapter of my life ended,’ I whispered.
I looked at Jake through sore eyes. My cheeks feel tight from all the tears.
‘Oh my God,’ said Lisa. She looked appalled. ‘You poor thing.’
‘I’m sorry you had to go through that,’ said Jake quietly. He sounded sincere.
I regarded him blearily.
‘I’m sorry you had to go through it too,’ I said flatly. ‘I want to apologise for being such a stupid, irresponsible, idiotic, pathetically immature teenager who behaved so foolishly and…’
‘Hey,’ Jake interrupted. One hand shot out and enclosed mine. ‘It’s okay.’ The gesture had been spontaneous, but nonetheless surprised us both. A physical connection. After all this time. So many years. ‘Everything turned out okay for me,’ he assured. He patted my hand. ‘It really did. I’m not bitter. Do you understand? I am… was… curious. Just needed to discover some missing pieces in this jigsaw of life. And now, one piece is in place. When the second – and final – piece is in place, then I’ll be whole again. Ready to carry on with my life, and one day bring a little one into this world. I’m sorry if I caused distress. It really wasn’t my intention.’
‘It’s fine,’ I said hoarsely. A fresh flow of tears leaked down my face. They dripped off my chin and puddled on Leslie’s desk.
I felt wrung out but also, perversely, so much lighter. It was as if a heavy invisible cloak had been wrapped around my shoulders for so long it had barely registered. But now, it had fallen, in a heap, to the floor. I flexed my neck. Yes, everything felt so much freer.
‘Do you think you’ll get back with Hannah’ – I asked – ‘when you’ve found the next missing piece of your jigsaw.’ I assumed he meant Nicholas.
Jake shook his head.
‘No,’ he said. ‘That ship has sailed, and maybe for the better. Hannah has moved on, and I’m pleased for her.’
‘Jake,’ I said tentatively. It seemed strange saying his name. It wasn’t one I’d have chosen, but I loved it nonetheless. He was still holding my hand. I curled my fingers upwards, shifting the connection. Instead of him holding my hand, now it was my hand holding his . ‘I don’t expect you to say yes, but…’ I broke off, suddenly anxious to put my unspoken emotions into words.
‘Go on,’ he said quietly.
‘I… would you… what I’m trying to say is… can we keep in touch? Please?’ The last word came out as a pathetic whimper. ‘I don’t want to put you under pressure, but now that you’ve reappeared in my life’ – another wave of fresh tears spurted from my eyes – ‘I can’t bear the thought of you disappearing again.’ The words died on my lips as my voice petered out. ‘So sorry,’ I gabbled. ‘I know you have your own heartache to work through. I shouldn’t have put that upon you. Please forgive-’
‘I’d like that,’ he interrupted.
I stared at him, not quite trusting I’d heard correctly.
‘How about’ – he said tentatively – ‘that we don’t go into this relationship with any expectations?’
I nodded my head up and down so violently it was a wonder I didn’t give myself whiplash. Omigod. Jake was prepared to stay in touch!
‘We mustn’t put each other on a pedestal,’ he continued. ‘We both need to stay as grounded in reality as possible.’
‘Yes,’ I whispered. ‘And Jake, one more thing…’
I was still clinging to his hand. Careful, Tilly. Don’t scare him off. But I couldn’t help it. When he walked out of this office, he needed to know some words from my heart. I hadn’t been able to raise him. To be a mother to him. But by God I had so much love for him. Somehow, I needed to convey that. ‘I think you’re an amazing person and I’m so glad you found me. So very, very glad. Those words are totally inadequate for how I’m feeling right now.’
He squeezed my fingers and grinned.
‘Me too. And now’ – he gently extricated his hand from mine – ‘I have a plane to catch.’ He caught the stricken look on my face. ‘But I’ll be back,’ he assured, pulling out his mobile. ‘Give me your number.’
I watched him tap the digits into his phone. I was desperate to put his details into mine, but an inner voice cautioned me not to ask. To trust that he’d get in touch again when the time was right. When he was back from wherever he was now going. I caught a flash of his mobile screen. My heart skipped a beat. Jake had listed me in his contacts not as Tilly . Rather, Mum .
The three of us stood up and made to the door. Lisa first. She opened it but paused. She turned back to me and Jake.
‘I’ll leave you both to say goodbye,’ she said diplomatically. ‘It was nice to meet you, Jake, even if it was a mega shock.’
He gave a ghost of a smile.
‘And you,’ he nodded.
I hovered, wanting to throw my arms around this young man – this child of mine in adult skin. But I was terrified of being rejected. Jake looked at me awkwardly.
‘Would it be okay to hug you?’ he asked tentatively.
‘It would be very okay,’ I said hoarsely.
And as I felt myself engulfed in a bear hug, my heart soared like a kite. It whooshed up to the office ceiling, and then burst through the building’s very roof, rocketing into the stratosphere. And in that moment, I dared to trust Jake would be in touch again. That one word on his mobile – Mum – said it all.