Chapter 10
ten
PRESTON
The sparkle in her eyes makes my chest ache and my mouth curl into a genuine grin. My stress slowly ebbs away as Lulu's Little peeks through with hope that I have some of her favorite things.
Tucking a lock of dark hair behind her ear, I force myself to slow down just a bit. "Alright, sweet Little Lulu. Before we start playing, we need to talk about limits. Can my woman hold on a bit longer and help me be the best Daddy in the whole world?"
Her head cocks but she doesn't say anything, only making me more sure about my theories. She's a quiet girl, but I need to know how quiet.
"Would it be easier if I asked you yes or no questions at first?" At her hesitant nod, I ask my first one. "Is your Little nonverbal sometimes, baby?"
Another nod but this time her eyes drop to her lap. That just won't do.
Reaching forward slowly so as not to startle her, I grip her chin between my finger and lift.
"As sweet as I feel your blush is, I don't like the reason you're looking away.
Daddy will never judge you or think anything is wrong with you.
Don't be ashamed of who you are because to me you're everything. "
Her cheek indents a bit. "Careful in there," I scold and boop her nose. "Don't chew too hard. Pluck the blanket if you're anxious, okay? Never hurt yourself."
I'm throwing a lot at her. When her nose scrunches but she still does as I ask, I feel invigorated. This is working. I know how to take care of her.
"Here, eat a slice," I murmur, grabbing a piece of apple and holding it to her mouth. To my utter horror, she gulps and turns away from me. It feels like a punch to my chest when her legs curl into her chest to hide.
I drop the apple back onto the plate and shift forward on the coffee table. The fear in her eyes has me battling for control. "I don't know what just happened, but I'm going to pick you up, okay? Shake your head if that's not okay. I won't be mad."
She gives me the slightest nod of approval, sending me rushing forward. With her slight form in my arms and us tucked into the corner of my couch, I push down the rage at whoever hurt my baby.
"Okay, shh," I coo, rocking side to side when her trembling reaches new heights. "Lulu, can you please tell me what happened? Help Daddy, baby."
Nothing. Not even a whimper. An idea hits me fast. Drawing my phone out of my pocket, I shift around and place it in her shaking hands.
"I know you just want to play, and I know it will help you feel better but we can't until I know some things.
Please type out your limits and we'll talk about the rest later.
Now, Lulu," I say with a little more authority.
I need to get through to her and if I need to be a bit more strict, I'll be that.
She takes a shuddering breath and starts typing. As much as I want to read over her shoulder, I close my eyes and dip my nose into her hair. Her strawberry shampoo settles my thundering heart just enough that I can take a full breath.
"Da-Daddy?"
Oh jesus fucking christ. Just when my heart is settled, she goes and reconstructs it completely. "Yeah, my little girl?" I don't give a shit if my voice croaks, because holy hell she just called me Daddy.
Lulu raises the phone over her shoulder, almost knocking a tooth out of my mouth. I laugh and pluck the device from her fingers. "Blocks?" she murmurs, wiggling on my lap.
I hum, and kiss the top of her head. "Sure, baby. But if I need to talk to you about this list, you'll come back to Daddy's lap."
She nods and crawls off of my legs. I watch, transfixed as she pads over to the low bookshelf filled with everything she might ever want. Just like she asked for, she pulls the tub of blocks down.
My eyes linger on her for an extra moment. She looks so sweet with her legs criss-crossed as she builds a colorful wall. I'm aware she was quick to get away from me because she’s nervous. If she weren't in Little mode, I would have told her to stay and talk it out with me.
This is best for her right now. If this is what she needs to feel safe, I'll give that to her. Hell, I'll give her fucking anything after hearing her call me Daddy for the first time.
With a deep breath, I drop my focus to her list. What I find makes me murderous. She didn't just give me a simple list, no, Lulu provided an explanation of why those are hard limits.
My beautiful girl won't wear diapers because she started wetting the bed when her mom got sick. Apparently her father would get really angry about it.
Not that degradation is in my wheelhouse, but Lulu has it listed as a limit because it reminds her too much of how her fucking dad treated her. I'm going to hunt him down and kill him.
Force-feeding, another thing I would never do, is in bold letters.
My father would shove food down my throat because he was worried he'd be stuck with me forever if I was too skinny to attract a man. I can't stomach food when I'm stressed. I was always stressed. Even though Mom’s dead and my father left town, I’m still so scared.
That's what she wrote. Those are her exact fucking words. My jaw clicks and I swear I crack a tooth.
The only thing that could possibly pull me from the pit of rage I'm falling into is Lulu. She contains me effortlessly and with innocence so pure tears actually fill my eyes when she lets out a soft giggle as her tower falls.
I suck in a shuddering breath and steel myself for the next blow.
Don't hit me or lock me away.
I'm going to throw up. Swallowing thickly, I clear my throat. "Lulu, come here please."
Immediately she drops what she's doing and starts to crawl. Whatever she sees on my face makes her stand and walk to me instead.
Shit, I need to control my facial expressions. She's very sensitive to changes in people's behavior and feelings.
"I just need some clarification, then you can go back to playing." I point to the final line on my phone, which makes her shift nervously. Gently, I run my hand up the outside of her thigh and rest it on her hip. "Do you mean no spanking and no timeouts?"
She nods, cheeks red and eyes wet. I can't handle pushing her right now, so I give her hip a small squeeze and smile. "Thank you, little one. Go play."
Lulu's eyes brighten again and she turns to resume her cozy time. Before she takes a second step, though, she twists back and takes my phone from me. I watch her type again with my heart in my throat.
Shoving the phone back into my lap, she hustles away and thumps to her knees on her play mat. I almost don't want to read what she wrote. Scratch that—I really don't want to fucking read it. But I have to. This is what being a Daddy is—being strong for my Little girl.
No dungeons.
My chin hits my chest as my soul literally cracks open and weeps for the girl I didn't save. My girl. I know it was out of my control, but I fucking hate it. I hate that I wasn't there for her sooner.
"Do you mean basement, Lulu?" I force myself to ask. I'm her Daddy, I need to know.
Peeking over her shoulder at me, her lips twist to the side. She half shrugs, half nods. Jesus. Dungeon and basement are interchangeable to her.
I don't know how long I watch her play and try to convince myself she's alive and right in front of me. All I know is there's no way I'll live my life without her. I'll do anything for her.
"Daddy?"
A full-body shudder ripples through me at the same time shock registers. I didn't realize I had zoned out, but coming back to myself to the sight of Lulu kneeling between my thighs with wide eyes and patience, I release a breath of relief.
"Come here, baby girl," I murmur and pluck her from the floor. With her settled on my lap, I run my fingers through her ratted hair. "I'm sorry Daddy didn't play with you tonight. Can you stay the night? I think I need to know you're safe."
She’s silent for a long time and I realize this is more than just a yes or no question. I put her Little on the spot and I definitely should have saved the question for when she's feeling more like her adult self, but I couldn't control it.
"Can Big Lulu answer the Big girl question?" I murmur and press my lips to her forehead. Thankfully the next time she blinks up at me she gives me a soft, nervous smile.
"I don't have any clothes and I don't think—I should sleep alone. right?"
Fuck, she's so sweet. "Right. Smart girl. It is our first sleepover. You'll wear my clothes when you're comfortable to change yourself. But you will sleep in my bed. I'll be out here tonight."
I'll never push Lulu when it's so clear she isn't ready.
Having her sleep over tonight was not the plan and has the ability to upset her in the morning.
If I need to sacrifice not dressing her in more comfortable clothes, I'll do it.
When she wakes, she will know I didn't see her body without her permission. She will feel safe and well rested.
"Sleep now, then?" she whispers, eyelids drooping.
Break my heart and mend it back together...
"Rest now. Daddy will keep you safe."