Loneliest Number
Wyn, age 12
Every night, when I said my prayers, I would ask God to kill my mom.
Sometimes, I would just ask for her to die in her sleep.
When I was really mad, or when she was mean to Auty, I would ask God to make her suffer, to make her hurt before he did it.
When I was feeling sorry for myself, I would ask Him to give me the strength to do it myself. Or give me the courage to tell Pops, my neighbor, what would happen when no one was around.
He never listened. But that didn’t stop me from asking.
Mom hadn’t spoken to Auty in four years. I didn’t think such a feat could be possible, since she was our mom, but she did it. She successfully pretended like her daughter didn’t exist, and I was paying for it.
My sister hated me. She hated my stinking guts and I didn’t know what to do.
I’d made the mistake of asking our babysitter and her sisters for advice.
That was when I found out they hated their brother, Auty’s best friend Turkey, and told me to basically wash my hands of my sister.
They started separating us. I would go with Rain and Rian, while Renelle would stay with Turkey and Autumn.
It wasn’t because she wanted to; her boyfriend would have killed her if she went all over the city with her sisters.
They and their friends thought I was cool, and cute, and I became a sort of mascot for them as they tried to show me I didn’t need Auty.
But I did need her.
So when no one was looking for me or paying attention, I asked Pops, who happened to be Rain, Rian, Renelle, and Turkey’s grandfather and guardian.
He told me that Auty didn’t hate me, which was a lie, but then he told me to do something nice for her, to get back in her good graces.
That was easy.
Spring pictures were coming up, and most of the time, me or Renelle did Auty’s hair.
I decided to pay to get her hair done with me. Pops thought that was a great idea, and treated both of us.
The stars were aligned, because Mom and Dad took off to Northupton for some poker tournament, and wouldn’t be back until later that day, so for once, we wouldn’t have to sneak out.
I was dressed and ready hours before we had to leave, I was so excited.
Auty and I rarely did anything together anymore, especially since we didn’t have the same classes or friends at school.
And I went to a different hair salon than Mom, so she didn’t have a chance to badmouth her other daughter to those ladies.
When it was finally time for Auty to get ready, I eased out of my bed and padded over to hers.
She slept like a log, her mass of coils behind her, taking up most of the pillow.
“Auty,” I whispered, shaking her shoulder.
I backed up at the right time, missing her hand thrown wildly behind her as she sat up.
“Get up and get dressed, you only have half an hour.”
Auty wiped the sleep from her eyes before scowling at me. “Wyn, it’s Saturday.”
I cringed like I always did now that I was Wyn and not Wynnie, but I fought through it, pulling my lips back even more until all my metal covered teeth were showing. “I know. We have a hair appointment, for spring pictures.”
“I don’t care about your–wait… we?” Auty’s hands lowered, and we locked eyes.
My grin softened. “Yeah, we. You’re getting your hair done, too. Anything you want.”
Auty hated her smile. We both had ectopic canines, but our parents only paid for me to have braces. She was self-conscious.
But she still smiled brightly at me, just for a second, before rolling her eyes and jumping out of bed.
Pops drove us to my hair salon in South East. It was in a strip mall, next to the best Chinese food I’d ever had. He gave us both a hundred dollars, got out one of his books, and told us he’d be right outside.
Frankie, my hairstylist, was in her chair when we walked in. She beamed at us, standing so I could hug her. “My ice princess! And you brought your sister, finally!”
Frankie playfully pushed me away to hug Auty, who melted into her arms.
Mom didn’t like her because Frankie was born Franklin, but she was the best hairstylist hands down, and that’s all that really mattered to me.
Plus, Frankie taught me more about being a woman than Mom ever did, not to mention she was the flyest person I ever met, to this day.
“Tanisha gon’ hook you up with a press n’ curl on this pretty ass hair while I do Ice Princess. She may trim your ends but she not scissor happy, ‘kay?”
Auty smiled and nodded before Tanisha guided her to her chair. I slid into Frankie’s, and she began to take down my braids.
She smiled at me in her mirror. “You not as cold today.”
I shrugged, grabbing a braid to begin to help her. “You gon’ cut me some bangs?”
Frankie scoffed, her smile turning into an ugly scowl. “You want that big ass forehead to break out, huh? No. You and Autumn getting big bouncy curls. I’m thinkin’ front ponytail since I know you like to sleep on your face.”
“You never do what I ask,” I laughed, grabbing another braid. “I’ve been coming to you since I was a kid and every time it’s whatever you wanna do to my hair.”
“And look? This orange mop is down your back and healthy. Only reason I’m putting heat on it now is ‘cause I want some copies of your spring pictures for my hair book.”
I held in my squeal. Frankie was a celebrity stylist, too, and only featured the best of the best in her hair book. There was only one kid in it, her niece, so I felt special.
“Auty, too?”
She looked at me like I was stupid. “Duh, girl. I should have known your sister would have beaucoup hair like you. Why your tired mama never bring her?”
She combed out the crinkles my cornrows left as I averted my eyes. “Long story.”
“It always is with her ass. Come on, Ice Princess. Let’s get you shampooed.”
Hours later, we both smelled like Marcel curling irons and hairspray. Even with Auty’s ends trimmed, her hair flowed past her shoulders. Frankie gassed as both up, taking pictures of us with her polaroid camera, and Auty’s eyes shined when Pops told her how beautiful she looked.
She even held hands with me the whole way home. I was on cloud nine. We’d never been the type of twins to dress alike, but having identical hairstyles for once, I saw the appeal.
She was my wombmate. We were designed to be best friends. And for once, it seemed like we were on our way to being that.
The stank smell of cigarettes greeted us when we went inside our house. I fanned my face, hating the smell. A cursory glance behind me made me stop short.
Auty looked terrified.
“The fuck you been, Wynter?!”
I turned forward, and Mom was on the couch, staring daggers at Auty, though she was speaking to me.
I shrugged, reaching back to grab Auty’s hand again. “We went to get our hair done for spring pictures.”
“Do you like it, Mommy?” Auty asked.
Mom’s eyes narrowed, her lip curling as she regarded her. Then, like always, she shifted her gaze to me, her scowl transforming into a brilliant smile.
“You’re so beautiful, Wynter. The spitting image of Summer.”
Auty snatched her hand out of mine and ran out of the house.
“Mom,” I hissed. But she just waved me off.
“Fuck her. You should beat her ass for even getting the same hairstyle as you. Come, let me look at you.”
I blew out breath before rounding the couch to stand in front of her. She blew cigarette smoke away from my face as she ran her fingers through my curls.
“That he-she sure can do some hair,” she remarked.
“Mom,” I hissed again. “Stop being so mean. And stop being so mean to Auty too–”
My head snapped to the side as pain bloomed on my cheek.
“Let me tell you something, little girl. I’m ya mother. And I’m the only muthafucka around here that has your back. Don’t get shit twisted. You think I’m so mean, but one day you gon’ see them bitches you got such a weakness for will do ya ass in the first chance they get. Just watch.”
Her eyes were wild and bloodshot, but the truth shone in them. She really believed that.
I shuffled away from her, walking out of the front door to go to Pops’ house, where I knew Auty ran off to.
The twins, Rain and Rian, walked out as I was walking up.
“Cute hair, girl! Next time, you coming with us,” Rian called out. I threw a quick smile and refrained from rolling my eyes. Rain and Rian were always up in a nigga’s face, and there was always a disgruntled girlfriend riding down the block looking for them.
I entered the house and made a beeline straight for the kitchen, where I knew Pops would be.
He sighed, and nodded his head toward the room he shared with Turkey.
I gulped. It was the weekend, which meant there was a chance that Turkey’s best friend from the projects was there.
Sure enough, when I walked into the bedroom, there he was, sitting on the floor against one of the twin beds. He had a cut below one of his haunting gray eyes that stood out against his peanut butter skin.
Casey would have been the cutest boy I knew, if he wasn’t so… deep. That’s the only way I could describe him. Deep; bottomless really.
The times we’d all hang out, he’d join in on the jokes. Trash-talked Turkey when they played videogames. He even told us ghost stories one night when we were camping.
But then, there were times he’d be like this. Staring off into nothing. Random cuts and bruises on his face, and hands. He’d retreat into himself more than I ever could. And one time, when I saw him at the mall with some older boys, I swear he had a gun tucked in his jacket pocket.
“It’s rude to stare, Wyn.”
“You’re always getting beat up.”
Casey lifted his head and grinned, his eyes finally sliding to mine. He shifted until his arms circled his knees on the floor.
“You really think that?”
“Well, no… but you’re too cute to be having cuts on your face. And how are you gonna be Set It Off if it looks like they’re setting it off on you? Unless that’s what your new nickname means.”
That pulled a chuckle out of him. “On baby, you just be sayin’ shit.”
I bit the inside of my cheek, knowing that getting Casey to laugh isn’t why I came over here. “Where’s Auty?”
His smile left before he gestured toward the bathroom. “She just stopped crying.”
I sighed, dreading every step that led me to the bathroom.
The door was cracked, and when I opened it more, my heart leapt into my throat.
There was hair everywhere. Bouncy black curls covered the floor. The culprit, large scissors, lay on the sink, next to more curls.
Turkey was huddled by the toilet, rocking Auty. Her hair was unevenly cut, the longest pieces reaching her chin, but some short pieces at her ears.
“Auty,” I whispered, taking a step into the bathroom.
Her eyes shot to me. “Get out!” she screams, snatching herself out of Turkey’s arms.
“Get out! You don’t belong here! Get away from me, I hate you, Wynter Snow!”
She got to her feet and lunged at me, but Turkey was quicker. He pulled her into the wall, but the look on her face…
Auty and I had never been in a physical fight. I knew she could, since I’d seen her tag on multiple girls trying her in school, but her anger was never toward me.
And we damn sure never told each other we hated each other.
“You don’t mean that–”
“I do,” she intoned. “I mean it with everything in me; I hate you! I wish you died instead of Summy! You ruined my life! Get out, and stay away from my real friends!”
My nose began to run, which meant tears were coming right after, so I turned away from them.
“She ain’t mean it,” Casey mumbled, but we both knew it was a lie.
Everyone knew Turkey belonged to Auty, and Auty belonged to Turkey. Most of the time, I did leave them alone.
But girls were so annoying. Always saying mean things nicely. Always talking about which boys in our class were cute and which didn’t shower.
My best friend, Porscha, wasn’t too bad. But she wasn’t far off either.
I wanted to hang with Auty. More than being my twin, she was funny, and knew a lot about a little of everything, and could dance.
She was always dancing. She could dance to any song, just like I could listen to any song. Even when she was down, I could put on a CD, and we could vibe out in our own world, a world created by whoever sang to us.
Mom was still on the couch when I came back. My eyes were dry, and I wiped my nose as I tried to walk past her.
“Come take a shot with me, pretty girl.”
Air blew out of my mouth. She was slurring, which meant she’d started already.
I plopped down on the couch as she poured a shot of whiskey for me.
“I’m sorry for hitting you, Summer,” she said. “I just need you to understand it’s us against the world.”
“It’s okay, Mom,” I muttered. It was no use correcting my name. That would earn another slap, and by the look in her eyes and the shake in her hands, she was barely holding on.
“You know I love you, right, pretty girl?” She handed me a double shot filled to the rim, so full the brown liquid slipped over the sides and coated my fingertips when I took it from her.
I took it to the head immediately. I wouldn’t get juice or even water to wash it down. No. No daughter of Amani Shaw would punk out like that.
The taste was nasty on my tongue as my throat burned. I coughed it down, flinching when her heavy hand smacked my back.
“You’re getting better! That’s my girl!” she cackled as I gathered my bearings.
I never got eased in with wine coolers or wine or even sneaking a mixed drink. No.
On my ninth birthday, Mom pulled me into the kitchen, and we took two shots of whiskey together.
It was our bonding time, she said.
“I’m going to take a nap,” I coughed, getting up before she could rope me into another. It was still early in the day, and I didn’t want to be so drunk that I couldn’t call Porscha to sleep over at her house after she got out of Saturday School.
Mom snatched me down to her level and gave me a wet kiss on the corner of my mouth. As soon as she released me, I ran to my new room.
Up until the week before, Auty and I shared a room, and this had been storage. My dad must have did good at the casino, because I came home from school one day with an all new room done up. It was nice, but I didn’t need it.
I wanted to share with Auty.
But after hearing how she really felt, I was glad I didn’t have to see her, or anyone else, really. I locked my door behind me, and slid to the floor, like how Casey was sitting.
The tears didn’t come. My nose didn’t even run. I just retreated back into my head, where the music lived. Where Summer still lived. Where Auty loved me and our parents didn’t exist.
My thumbs tapped my knees to the beat in my head, and I lost myself.