Prologue
Aurora
April 28th. It used to be my favorite day of the entire year. Now it’s a constant reminder that the girl I once was is dead, and she’s never coming back. I avoid thinking back on the day my life changed forever as much as I can. But it still comes to me, every single night, live and in color.
My 18th birthday was a day like any other, only now I was officially an adult.
Or so I thought. I’d been going to community college for almost a year, getting all my basic classes out of the way before applying to the Performing Arts Program at LSU.
I’ve been a dancer all my life, but I had bigger dreams. I dreamed of owning my own studio someday, dreamed of inspiring other people with my creativity and art.
It just made sense to live with my mom then, and save the money I would spend on rent.
My boyfriend Erik and I had been together since my senior year in high school.
I just knew he was going to be my happily ever after.
It was probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever believed, but I was na?ve then.
He told me he had a surprise for me that night, something special just for my birthday.
When he picked me up, he blindfolded me and drove me back to his place.
Stupidly, I was so excited. He had never done something so spontaneous before, so I couldn’t wait to see what he planned.
When he led me through the door, he pulled off the blindfold and all I saw were his friends, sitting around the living room, playing Xbox or some shit.
He had set up some sorry excuse for a party, only inviting people he knew.
He’d never taken the time to get to know any of my friends, so I shouldn’t have been shocked.
I was livid. That’s what led to my first mistake of the night.
I trusted that no matter how vulnerable I let myself become, Erik would always protect me.
I don't know why I believed that when he never had before. He’d always let his stupid friends call me names and make comments about my body, laughing along with them every time.
I never should have trusted him. But I did, and I poured drink after drink down my throat, trying to ease the anger of my disappointing birthday celebration.
Within two hours, the room was spinning around me.
I remember calling out for Erik, searching for him in a sea of swirling faces.
Then it’s nothing but flashes for the rest of the night.
I wish I could erase even the flashes from my mind.
I’d rather be blissfully ignorant to everything than know what I know.
I remember Erik’s face, only inches from mine, as he whispered to me that everything was fine, that this would be fun.
Then I saw someone else. I’d seen him before, Dylan maybe?
Or could it be Alex? My vision was hazy and unstable.
I didn’t trust what I saw or felt. I told Erik no, told him to make it stop, but he didn’t.
He just laughed along with his friends, his face sinister and cold.
I’d never seen him look so evil. I closed my eyes, trying anything I could to ground myself, to convince myself it was all a dream.
But it wasn’t. Strangers’ hands touched me in places only I should have been able to allow.
But I couldn’t fight them off. I couldn’t even move.
My limbs felt like concrete, like something or someone was holding them down onto the mattress beneath me.
I screamed, but no sound passed my lips.
This kind of thing happened to other girls, not to me.
I was always careful, always attentive to my surroundings when I went out.
My brother Elijah taught me how to defend myself when I was just a little girl.
I remember trying as hard as I could to pull myself away from that nightmare, but nothing I did made a difference. I thought I was safe with Erik.
It’s been almost three years and those memories still drag me to hell every night.
That one mistake altered the course of my entire life.
I haven’t stepped foot into a dance studio since that night.
It’s like every ounce of my muse was leeched out of me, drained away, just like my innocence and faith in other people.
I never told anyone what happened that night.
How could I when my memories were so fragmented?
I know how women are treated when they reveal something like this.
I couldn’t stand to hear anyone ask me if I was drinking too much or if I came on to any of them.
Instead, I put a wall of steel around my heart, lined it with barbed wire, and locked it down like the prisoner I became.
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