CRAIG
CRAIG
"You have the opportunity for a fresh start here, kid. You can leave all this mess behind, flip the page and begin a brand new chapter."
Those were the words of counsel my dad gifted me on my sixteenth birthday.
Roxy wasn't even a wish I dared make back then; Christopher didn't yet exist, and my mum had been ignoring my existence for months.
I'd taken to practically living in the summer house, and that's where Dad found me late into the night. "Your mother and I, we only want the very best for you," he said, settling into the rocking chair and handing me a can from the six-pack of beers he'd brought with him. "It's time, now, for you to invest in that effort as well. This single mistake needn't stigmatise you. The slate can be wiped clean, Craig, if you're willing to make the necessary sacrifices."
And that…
That turning point is where I am in my head when Sebastian trots Firecracker up alongside me and tugs at my reins, asking: "Somewhere interesting?"
I startle around on him. My dappled-grey loaner, Basil — a placid beast who needs little guidance — draws to an immediate halt. "I'm going to talk to my dad."
Today is a glorious spring Sunday, clear and breezy. We've been out riding for most of the afternoon, now making our leisurely way back to the stables. Dusk is creeping in, deepening the blue sky, and the horses take advantage of our sudden distraction to lower their heads and graze on the roadside grass. My rump feels sore, and my muscles ache, and I’m wired. Looking about myself, an errant smile teases my lips with the realisation we've stopped in almost exactly the same place at which another pivotal twist to my life occurred.
"On my terms this time," I continue. "I shouldn't be waiting for him to come looking."
Sebastian is frowning at me. "Okay, good, and you intend on doing this when?"
"Honestly…" It's a plan I've barely developed beyond thought, but: "I'm ready now. Like, impatient-ready. Right now. While I'm feeling bold."
He nods, still frowning, a gentle tug on his reins reclaiming Firecracker's attention. "Sure thing," is his only response as he guides the horse back on course toward Strathall.
"And I'd like you to come with me."
"I'd be delighted."
"Just for, you know, moral support?"
"Best whip your butt into gear, then."
I'm not remotely confident he's serious or whether he doesn't believe me to be, but he moves away at a fair clip before I've even turned around. Basil is several beats behind in following, and the stretch of road between us lengthens as Firecracker steadily picks up pace.
"Whoa, hold up!" I shout, caught off-guard.
Sebastian rides straight by the stable entrance without a backward glance. "Hurry up!"
"The fuck, Bas?"
He disappears around a bend, and I curse him a few more times, urging my steed faster in pursuit. I stand little chance of closing the distance, never mind overtaking; he is far more practised in the saddle, and Basil is no match for Firecracker even discounting the head start. It's not until the junction — at least two miles out — that he begins to slow, his laugh reaching me as he cuts onto the fork leading to town.
"What part of 'right now' and 'impatient-ready' did you not mean, Craig?"
"The bit in the middle which didn't involve your truck."
"Ah, okay." He grins wide at me when I finally make it to his side. "So, you wanted to deal with brushing the horses down and whatever else might've delayed you first, huh?"
I try to scowl back at him, but he has a valid point. "You're a dick."
"We doing this or not?"
And, admittedly, the thought of showing up at the gates on horseback is a powerful one. "Yes. Yes, we are."
Turning off the road and onto a public trail through lush countryside, curving Yoverton's perimeter, we keep to a sedate trot for the rest of the way. The sky gets gradually darker, and the air becomes chillier as the sun dips low in a ripple of pinks and yellows.
Sebastian leads, and little is spoken until the route brings us out at the stream, where it passes behind an all-too-familiar hill known locally as 'The View'. It's a favourite hangout for YCSer's.
"Alex'll probably be up there," I say, looking up the slope — steep and rocky on this side — to the rickety hut crowning it. And Steph, and Lyndsay…
"Ash, too, I'd imagine."
"Yeah. I don't really see the attraction, to be honest."
"Because haunting an exhaust-fumed car park in the middle of nowhere is so much more alluring?"
"Says you who spends his days shovelling cowshit!"
"A bit rich coming from my ever-enthusiastic volunteer."
"Whatever. Shut up."
"It's not about where you are, Craig," he sagely retorts, "but who you are with." And flashing that special wry smirk of his, he leaves me behind again.
"Such a dick."
There's a silver crescent moon in the sky now, the stars bright; it's pretty spectacular. Thought of our journey home in the dark is a needling concern, although Sebastian assures me he's not worried.
By the time we cross into the estate, I'm lagging almost an entire street. I haven't called this place home for over a month, and the nearer we draw to the house, the more nervous I begin to feel. But Christopher will be celebrating his first birthday in a week. Then, Alex is only six more away from turning eighteen…
This needs to be done now before milestones are missed in all of our lives.
My jitters must be apparent. "You know what you'll say to him?" Sebastian reins himself around, stopping to wait. "Want a quick practice?"
"Not really, no. Just." I try to tap into my earlier resolve. "Dad told me that sacrifice is necessary for a fresh start, you know?" The idea of arriving on horses no longer seems quite so entertaining. "If he genuinely wants only the best for me, I figure he should at least be given a chance to accept what that means."
He nods, falling in beside me as I pass. "Should I stay outside?"
"Absolutely not!"
We both dismount to walk the last stretch, leading our rides. Sebastian pulls a torch from his pocket and turns it on. "If it makes any difference," he says, "I'm feeling the nerves a bit now, too."
"Great. Thanks, Bas. That actually makes it worse."
"How about ‘I believe in you’ ?"
"Splendid."
"Welcome."
Lit up by the security lights, never before have the gates appeared as intimidating as they do at this approach.
I don't have my fob for them because I don't have Roxy's keys. Alex has possession of her today. It feels weird to use the intercom like I'm a stranger. A quick glance at the camera, and I decide to keep my head down.
Nobody answers.
In case I somehow pressed the button wrong, Sebastian steps in for a go.
Still nothing.
But Dad's Mercedes-Benz is in clear view through the bars, parked up outside the garage, so I know that he, at least, must be home. Trying one more time, I hold my thumb on for the count of ten—
— to no avail.
Staring at the house and waving into the camera prove just as futile.
"What now then, Craig?"
"I don't know," I reply. And yet, even as the words come out, a last-ditch solution is raising its crazy voice. Giving up so quickly sure as hell isn't an option, but it seems I'll be going it alone after all. "Goddamnit!"
Sebastian doesn't question me further as I hand over Basil's reins and start away from him, squeezing myself in between the ten-foot wall and the five-foot boxwood growing neatly alongside it.
"Bas!" I call when I find the spot I'm looking for. "Tether the horses and come to help me, please!"
"Shit-on-a- stick !" His exaggerated whisper has me snorting, the hedgerow rustling as he pushes in. "Revenge for the crawl-through, huh? Nicely played."
My eyes blanch away from the torchlight. I point up at the corner of the wall, and he turns the beam to follow. "When I was younger, back when my parents bothered to ground me, that's where I'd make my escape."
"You'd scale the wall?"
"It's easier from the other side because there's a bench, and I would usually have Alex to help me get back."
"Okay, so what do you want me to do?"
"Surely you know the laced-fingers-shunt-up?"
"Gotchya!" He puts his torch between his teeth and hunkers down.
And on the third attempt, success. The oak love-seat creaks beneath me. "Here goes nothing!"
"I believe in you!" I hear him shout.
I preen with accomplishment for all of a minute.
Then…
Then it all kicks off. In a most dispiriting way.
Halfway across the drive, I'm pulled up short as Dad storms out the front door. "You have some gall, boy." He's furious. "Showing up here, unannounced."
"Dad. Hey." My throat instantly closes. I hold my ground, but it's a toss-up whether I could move even if I wanted to.
"Your mother isn't ready to see you yet. You know how she feels. This is neither the time nor the place."
"I, uh… I came to talk to you."
He's in his slippers, his dressing gown flaring out behind him. Reaching me, he seizes my collar and drags me the full way back into the corner. The barest glimpse of yellow light on the wall top tells me Sebastian is still there, a mere bricks-width away, listening in; it's not reassuring. He shoves me onto the bench and steps back. "You've thrown away your whole future, Craig. We have nothing to talk about."
"Chris—" is as much as I manage.
" Christopher ?" The name is snarled at me. "Christopher needs a big brother he can look up to. Not a college dropout who runs away from his troubles. Not a violent thug, nor a disrespectful ingrate. You should consider yourself lucky you've been allowed to retain your precious car!"
"I'm not— Dad, you can't… you can't keep him from me. Please. I miss him."
"Yes, and he misses you, too. He still calls for you in the night."
My heart hurts, my chest constricting. From somewhere beyond the gates, a horse whinnies. It takes me a moment to catch my breath. "Don't punish him to get at me. That's not fair."
"I agree, son. As much as your mother may not approve, you're a huge part of the kid's life. And just as with Alex, it'll do more harm than good to keep you apart. But—"
"I just want to see him!"
" But ," he continues with a warning glare. "Until you find a purpose for yourself worthy of your brother's admiration, there isn't anything I’m willing to discuss."