Chapter 14 Kris
When I wake up, it’s still mostly dark. My arms and legs are wrapped around Dave and his head is on my shoulder. I allow myself the luxury of gathering him closer, so we’re inseparably tangled. His hair smells like shampoo and is soft against my cheek.
Just a little bit more. I’ve been repeating that to myself since we held each other on the couch. But he was so insistent that I stay. How could I leave?
I know I’m fooling myself, thinking that last night was something more than it was. It was a hard lesson I learned a long time ago: Just because someone wants you in their bed doesn’t mean they want you in the rest of their life. A scumbag like me with no connections and few prospects has no business imagining a future with someone like Dave. Even if I do get my club rolling again, it’s not the kind of place where Dave would want to be. He belongs in the executive suite, an award ceremony, or some other shiny destination beyond my reach.
I kiss the top of his head because I want to, and I can. I’m not going to be noble about this. If he stops wanting me, that’s fine. But as long as he’s asking, I’m going to soak up as much Dave time as he’ll allow.
I’ve got to be careful, though. I can’t let myself get needy or clingy. I would rather he leave me in the dust than pity me. The thought sends me sliding back from his arms. He grumbles and resettles himself with my pillow. Who knew Dave was such a cuddler? It doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t care. I scoot out the rest of the way and hustle out of the room.
I brush my teeth with the brand-new toothbrush he lent me and dry my face on the softest towel I’ve ever touched. Dave mentioned being in financial trouble right now. But his version of trouble feels cozy and safe. When trouble happened to me, it wasn’t so gentle. Just look at his hands, for Christ’s sake, not a speck of dirt on them. But you know what, I’m glad he never had to face true hardship. No one should have to.
In a matter of minutes, I’m ready to go, but I want to see him one more time. Dave is curled away from me so I can’t see his face and the light is dim. But still, I can make out the elegant curve of his back as it rises and falls with deep, peaceful breaths. Just a little bit more. I take a step closer, then stop myself. I’d better go home before I crawl back into bed with him and refuse to leave. Fear of my own weakness has me turning away and heading straight for the door.
I check my phone and see it’s 4am, which means the trains will start soon. If I catch the first one, I’ll have a few hours to clean up and maybe do another quick look for Jer. I need something to think about other than Dave in bed.
The streets are empty around me and the streetlights glow orange. I’m heading for the station two blocks away. As I walk, the neighborhood shifts from apartments to warehouses and empty lots. Amidst the darkened windows there’s a ray of light peeking out from one of them, along with music pumping out through the cinderblock walls. It’s probably an unlicensed club or rave. I think about going in, letting the music sweep me up and clear my head, but I hang back.
The place is probably full of kids. I listen closely and nod along to the beat. It’s definitely not my kind of music. I’m not a snob, I’m just old. I mean, in rock 'n' roll years I’m ancient. No, this isn’t for me.
I got into the business because I love music, but now I wonder what the future holds for me. How can I keep up with teenagers that think I’m cringe? And they’re listening to music I think is garbage. Look at Jer. He was one of the best. How is he out on the street alone now? Will that be me in thirty years? It’s entirely possible.
I don’t have other skills like my friend Jules. I don’t have any family or steady relationships, like Dave. I just have myself. For the first time in a while, that feels unbearably risky. I kick a rock out of my way. The insurance money should come in eventually and then I’ll be back in business. But instead of hope, the thought fills me with dread.
I poured all I had into the club already. Even before it burned down, it was sucking the life out of me. It took everything I had to keep it above water. The only thing that sustained me during that time was the music. The music of yesterday. The music keeps thumping as I walk away.