Chapter 13 Rayna
Rayna
What just happened?! Did he really just run away from me? I was thinking about leaning in to kiss him. I was going to do it. And he fled?
I internally rage. But instead of channelling my anger into rage cleaning or spiralling internally, my body has another idea.
My feet take me into the house, up the stairs in Koby’s wake.
The swelling in my leg, no longer as sore so I can take the stairs with no need to pause.
My fist bangs on his door, body burning with anger in each tenth of a second he takes to open the door.
Fists ball at my sides, fingernails digging deep into my palm.
Koby finally swings open the door, he’s still wet. His hair, not dried enough, and water still trickling down his body. His arms, thick and strong, settling on his hips as his chest rises and falls probably from running up the stairs, away from me.
“What the fuck was that?” I drill.
“What?” he replies, tilting down his head, breaking eye contact with me.
“You know what.”
“Rayna, I can’t…”
“Can’t what?” I press. His eyes dodging any possibility of looking at me.
“I can’t lose you again.”
I’m taken aback. “Again?”
“Yes,” he sighs, finally lifting his eyes to meet mine. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m so glad you and Wes got together and fell in love. But the moment you both met, I knew it was over for you and me. And I lost you.”
“But I was still around? We hung out all the time.”
“It wasn’t the same. The quick uni hookups I would stand by and watch were different. I knew you’d be back. But with Wes, it was different. You were gone, and…I lost my chance.”
“Chance?”
“To tell you how I really felt about you.”
“Really felt?” He’s driven me to an inarticulate mess.
“That I’ve always had feelings for you, but couldn’t tell you because I didn’t think you felt them too. I couldn’t risk not being around you if I told you how I felt about you.”
“But then you pulled away, anyway.”
“Yeah. I had to move on.” His eyes stare back down at our feet.
I move my hand under his chin and force his eyes to meet mine. “Have you really moved on?”
His shoulders drop, and face softens as he gazes into my eyes. “I did.”
My heart sinks, and my hand starts to drop. He catches it in his and lays my hand on his bare chest. His large hand covers mine. I feel the strong, fast thumping of his heart.
“When we started hanging out again on track, it reminded me of your kindness, your caring. Your strength and passion. It felt like we were back to being 18-year-olds again. But I didn’t want to lose you by telling you how I felt and risk you rejecting me and being out of your life.”
“I wouldn’t have cut you out of my life.”
He squeezes my hand. “I would have been too embarrassed and ran. I’ve tried so hard to keep my feelings from you, Rayna.
For all these years. But being here with you, I can’t run away and wait for them to subside before seeing you again.
It’s been so hard not to reach over and…
” He shakes his head and closes his eyes.
“Do what?”
“Do this.” His other hand snakes around my waist and possessively crushes my body into his.
His damp board shorts cling and soak my front.
My hand securely wedged between our bodies, unable to move from his chest. He brushes stray hair away from my face, then cups my jaw.
His rapid breathing matches mine as I anticipate his next move.
As rough and possessive his actions were, his careful and gentle descent to my lips is the complete opposite.
His lips brush mine softly. Like I will stop him at any moment.
The tentativeness of his lips is frustrating.
Where is the passion behind his words? Then it dawns on me.
He doesn’t know how much I want this as well.
How much I have thought about feeling his skin against mine.
His strong hands gripping me, with his hands in my hair.
My hand trails up his bare chest to grip behind his head.
Fingers dig into the back of his neck, and my mouth opens to his soft lips on mine.
He sighs into my mouth before his tongue plunges into my mouth to meet mine.
My tongue pushes back on his as they battle for dominance, and I melt a little into his arm wrapped around my waist as the pace increases.
It’s rushed and urgent. He maneuvers me and pushes me up against the door frame, pushing his body against mine, freeing his hands to grip my neck under my ears.
Keeping me in an unrelenting place. I can’t escape.
I don’t want to. The adrenaline of the moment making everything feel kinetic.
A voltage close to shorting out and exploding.
Stirring thoughts and feelings I haven’t felt in years.
That laid dormant. Pushed to the side until they didn’t arise anymore. The need to be taken care of.
Fuck. Yes.
I do everything for myself. Take care of an entire team. And right now, the need to be pushed up against a wall and taken care of, enjoyed and worshipped overruns my nervous system.
Koby’s hands loosen on my neck, to my shoulders, down to my sides, and the fear of him touching my-not-young-anymore body outweighs my need.
Breaking away from him, I see the panic in his eyes.
“Was that not okay for me to do?”
“No! No, it was great. I just need a moment. This is…a lot to process.” I smile and place my hand on his jaw.
He moves his head so he can kiss my palm. “Can we talk it out then? I don’t want to waste anymore time not being with you.”
My heart skips and I nod.
Koby looks down at his still wet boardshorts. “Let me throw something dry on and meet you over there?” He gestures to the small loveseat that sits unused between the doors of the two rooms on the landing.
“Of course.”
Koby takes my hand and leads me to it. “I’ll be two minutes.” And he runs to his room and closes the door.
I flop down and exhale. Wow! Is all that comes to mind.
I shake my head, but before I can dwell and over-analyse, Koby swings open the door again.
Straightening up at the sight of him. His charcoal shorts hang off his hips.
And his black tee stretches across his chest. His torso stout and solid underneath the black material.
He settles down next to me, the loveseat very tight.
His hands reach around to the back of my knees, and he lifts my legs to drape across his thighs.
Forcing me to face him. His hands start moving softly across my thighs.
The thin fabric bunches as he splays his fingers up and down. “Okay. Let’s talk.”
Fidgeting with my wedding band, his directness hits me. This is it. This is the time.
“I don’t know where to start.” A deep pause. “I haven’t been with anyone in so long.”
“Is that your biggest worry?”
“That’s the biggest I have thought about so far.” Which is true. I haven’t thought about seeing anyone ever.
“Do you want to see someone?” He gently presses.
“I have been thinking about you in that light. If that’s what you are getting at.” I smirk.
“Good to know. Good to know.”
“How about you?”
“Have I been thinking about myself in that light?” He smirks.
Rolling my eyes. “You know what I mean.”
“Yes. I haven’t been with anyone in a long time too.
And I have been thinking about you more over the last few years in that light.
But I’m willing to take this as slowly as you want to go.
You set the limits, and when it’s too much, we’ll pull back and talk.
But we have to communicate, yeah? Tell each other what we need? ”
Why, when he says we can take it slow, do I want to not take it slow in any sense of the word? “That’ll work for me,” I end up replying.
“Same. And while I’m staying in your space, let’s have no added pressure and continue to stay in separate rooms. You can have your space when you need and if I piss you off, you can send me to my room.” He winks at me.
I cackle at the thought, finishing with a nod. “Good plan.”
“Now. I seem to have made you soaking wet.” He smirks.
My breath hitches. Is my crotch a wet puddle?
He places a finger on the wet patch on my stomach where his boardshorts transferred the most water to my clothes, and I breathe out.
“How about you change and we go out for dinner as we had planned?”
“Sounds like a great idea.”
Koby shoots up and extends his arms down to help me.
Placing my hands into his, he hoists me up with ease into his burly arms again, but he doesn’t instantly let me go.
My hands find his biceps as his arms wrap around me.
He pushes some stray hairs out of my face and behind my ear.
The slightly rough skin on his fingers gently scratches my face.
This close, I watch his eyes travel across my face.
Taking me in while I watch him. His eyes meet mine, and he smiles.
“I’ve been thinking about this for far too long.”
I smile back, and he brushes his lips against mine. Long and drawn out. Savouring each kiss like it is providing oxygen to us both.
Breathless as we pull away, his grip doesn’t loosen as we rest our foreheads together.
“I’ll meet you back here?”
“Yeah,” I breathe, and he releases me. Like he was waiting for my promise to come back to him before letting go.
Wobbly legs take me to my bedroom door. I steal a glance over my shoulder and see Koby tracking my path.
“Right back here?” I tease, pointing a finger to a spot on the landing.
“Right back here.” He returns and I enter my bedroom.
I head to the bathroom and exhale. Gripping the counter at the sink. Looking up at my reflection, my cheeks and neck flush crimson. That’s new. My unimpressed face turns a nose up at that appearance.
Placing my hands on the redness, my skin is warm to the touch. Yet again, in my current life stage, I’m chalking that up to perimenopause.
I remove my damp tee and splash water on my face and neck. Hoping to subdue the flare-up while I take stock of the current situation. Koby has liked me all this time.
How do I tell people? No, there is no need to broadcast this.
This is new. I should tell Louie, though.
And Jill. Would Micah want to know? No, no.
I am just going to keep this between us.
We are on summer break. Away from others.
Koby and I can discover what this is separately from others.
The thought of spending undivided time with Koby is both thrilling and scary.
This is a new time in my life. A new normal as I navigate the changes in my body.
My insecurities have never been a factor in my life.
But I can’t help but feel self-conscious about my aging body.
Yes, yes. I carried a child, and I try to look after myself, but I am aging, and this is new territory. Dating in my 40s? Terrifying.
Hearing Koby’s door open, I look down at my torso, missing one top.
I reapply deodorant and perfume and shimmy off my pants and head into my walk-in wardrobe.
Settling on a blue floral Diane Von Furstenberg jumpsuit and a pair of sensible brown sandals.
My hair gets a large clip to contain any humidity frizz, and my lips, some lip balm before I exit my door.
Koby is sitting on the loveseat watching my door. He smiles widely at me as he gets up.
“You look amazing.”
He must have headed back into his room to change.
I take in what he is wearing. Smart, black chinos and a white short-sleeve button up that I can’t help but wonder how rewarding it would be to pop open each button and push over his broad shoulders and watch fall behind him. “Don’t you scrub up well?”
“Yes, ma’am.” He smirks as he pretends to tip an imaginary hat to my giggle. “No time like the present, raven.” He motions towards the stairs, and I head down.
He picks up keys and his wallet but insists we leave our phones and I take nothing with me. So now I feel even more exposed.
Locking the door behind us, Koby beams his smile at me and extends his hand to me. I take it and he leads me down my quiet street towards the nearest main road.
The hustle and bustle of the main street as dusk hits is a mix of orange sunlight, red brake lights and traffic lights. The sounds of constant engines and people talking fill the air.
We don’t walk for long before standing outside a pub. But not any pub. Our pub. The pub we used to play pool at after long university days. Where we would have birthdays and take over the jukebox and sing our favourite songs obnoxiously loud.
“If you still feel like an old pub feed?” Koby asks nervously.
“Of course.” I nod and we head in.
I haven’t set foot in here for so long. New owners have changed the interior to move to more modern times. But the layout is still the same.
Koby buys us both a beer, and we head to the bistro area. We sit and review the menu, but I know what I want. I haven’t had a good pub steak in ages. My mind is made.
Heading over to put our orders in at the counter, I feel like I’m back to being eighteen. Feeling completely out of my depth. But possibly filled with enough excitement, I can push past my fear.