Chapter Five
NINON IS NOT in our meeting place when I come home. The space has been cleaned out, save for the lingering stench creating the tincture left behind. There’s a sinking feeling in my stomach. I can’t explain it, but something inside is screaming at me to find Ninon.
I scramble out of our hiding spot, the sun lighting the horizon, chasing away the cold, dark night.
The northern sector is a mess from the gathering with the farmers that night, snores and soft, sensual sounds emanating from their rooms. They’ll be up soon, preparing for the long journey back to the farms below Dyēus.
I race through the halls, trying to stay silent on my feet as I enter the corridor of sleeping chambers.
I walk into her room, telling myself I’ll see her wrapped in blankets on her bed, book in hand.
“Ninon?” I whisper into the darkness. All the sleeping chambers have a cutout in the ceiling to let in light, but the hunters usually cover it to sleep during the day.
I reach up to the center of the room, fingers grasping the fabric she’d tacked up to cover the opening, and rip it down.
My heart stops in my chest at the sight of her empty bed.
Her room is clean, as usual, but it’s missing things.
Clothes. A few books. Her satchel. All gone.
My chest rises and falls, trying to catch the breath that keeps escaping my mouth, too hot and too fast. I turn in a slow circle. She must be somewhere else in the compound. No, she’s not. Maybe she went to get food. No, she didn’t. Maybe she—
My eyes catch on a book, pulled a little out of place from the ones left behind.
It’s not like Ninon to leave her books anything less than perfectly aligned.
I reach for it, and pull it all the way out.
Behind it is a bottle the length of my palm and two fingers wide with liquid inside, a golden hair stick, and a note.
I grab the note and ignore the rest.
Kaisa,
Dab one drop of tincture under your tongue daily. Rinse with mint water directly after to neutralize the odor.
The hair stick is a gift, and like you, it is beautiful, but deadly. Wear it.
I won’t say goodbye. You know where to find me.
-N
My ribcage billows as I try to catch my breath.
I knew something was off with her. I knew and still I did nothing.
I curse, taking the hair stick in my hands, the part that goes into my hair sharpened to a point.
The gold ornament was fashioned to resemble one of the leaves that float on the wind to us when the weather is cooler, the shape like a fan.
Ninon collected them when we were younger, pressing leaves between the pages of her books.
I hold the ornament end in my fist, the point threading nicely between my fingers.
I suppose if lodged in the correct spot, it could kill.
She doesn’t trust the men of Dyēus, despite their good nature.
We both agreed on that. Still, I can’t imagine killing any one of them, and this weapon is not for hunts.
I carefully slip it in my ponytail for now.
My fingers shake as I take the tincture from her shelf.
The liquid is thick, like oil, and dark green in color.
I won’t open it until I take my first dose tonight since I’m not sure if or how the air might affect it.
My hands suddenly feel heavy and my arms drop down to my sides, but I hold on tight to Ninon’s gifts.
She’s gone. She’s really gone and I know where she went, but I can’t do anything about it.
I squeeze my eyes shut and let my head fall back, the dawn’s morning light filtering over my face.
I can’t help but wonder if I pushed this on her, that I asked too much in having her make the contraceptive.
If she worried for her safety and fled to keep herself out of harm’s way, I’d hate myself.
I don’t understand why she would think the Realm of Rogues was any safer than here, despite what we witnessed with the rogue the other morning.
What did she know that she didn’t tell me?
“Why?” I whisper, my voice cracking. Why didn’t she tell me?
Why did she leave me? But I was leaving her first, wasn’t I?
By going to Dyēus, not knowing when I’d return.
Who else does Ninon have but me? Kalixta has her child now.
And Ninon, she has no one and nothing here.
Not really. She only had me. And I wasn’t enough to get her to stay.
I curse and wipe my cheeks with the back of my hand.
I pocket the note and the tincture and walk out of her room, but I’m pretty sure my heart stays there as I leave.
When I enter Kalixta’s room, her eyes widen seeing me and she opens her mouth, but Mother is in there too and I give my sister a subtle shake of my head. Her mouth closes.
“Kaisa, there you are, where have you been?” our mother chastises. “Look at the mess you are. Go get cleaned up; Alixor will surely be here soon to collect you.”
“The message he sent said mid-morning,” I murmur, recalling the missive I’d received from Dyēus yesterday afternoon.
Mother clicks her tongue. “You’ll need nearly that much time to prepare.”
“Mother,” Kalixta says, interrupting her. “I think I need some more balm. Would you mind going to get it?”
Our mother looks between the two of us and sighs. “Give her some advice on how to behave while in Dyēus, hm?” she says before striding out of the room.
I listen as her footfalls disappear down the hall.
“What is it?” Kalixta whispers, grasping my arm with her free hand as I sink down to sit beside her.
I open my mouth and no sound comes out. How can I say the words? How can I speak the truth when I don’t want to believe it? “She’s gone.”
Kalixta searches my face, fingers going to her mouth. “Ninon?”
“Oh, she’s alive,” I assure her, realizing she might think Ninon dead. I suck in a breath. “Or at least, I hope she is. She left, Kal.”
“Where would she…” Kalixta shakes her head, brows furrowing, then she mouths her guess. “To the Realm?”
My lips are pulled tight as I nod.
The girl in her arms squirms and Kalixta rocks her gently from side to side.
“I see.” I’m a little surprised when she doesn’t have more to say on it that.
I get a needling feeling that she knows something that I don’t, but I don’t want to cause her undue stress, so I keep my questions to myself.
She watches me carefully, and I hate the look of agony on her face. “Are you still going to Dyēus?”
I huff out sigh, trying to dissolve the sobs stuck in my throat. “It’s not like I have a choice. I can’t run away.” I run the back of my hand down her cheek. “And I can’t leave you.”
“You could you know,” she says, searching my gaze. “You could leave now. Before he comes.”
“Kal,” I sigh, pulling my hands away. “You know it’s not possible. He’d search the Sere for me and then what? Be put to death for trying to avoid this?”
She leans in close. “Isn’t that what you’re trying to do anyway?” I don’t answer her. The less she knows the safer she’ll be. “At least if you went there they couldn’t touch you.”
“And I’d turn into a monster and never be able to see you again. Or watch my niece grow up.” Or be myself, I think, which feels like a struggle enough as it is.
“You don’t know that.”
“We don’t know anything for certain about the Realm and I don’t intend to find out.” I close my eyes for a moment, trying to keep the images of Ninon turning into a monster at bay. “I have a plan.”
“I suspected as much.” She chews her lip. “What did she do for you?”
“You don’t need to know.”
Kalixta gives me a long, hard stare. She’s intelligent and quick. I’m sure she knows even without my saying.
“Enough,” I say. “I’ll take care of myself.”
She sighs, quiet for a time. “Yes, you will. You always have.”
I let my fingers drift over the top of the fine, dark hair on my niece’s head. I don’t want to talk about me or Ninon anymore. “The naming ceremony will happen while I’m gone.”
Kalixta doesn’t miss a beat. “Anila,” she says.
I look her straight in the eye. “You’re supposed to keep the name in your heart until the ceremony. It’s bad luck to share it before then.”
She stares at me earnestly, brows raised. “You are my heart. I’m not sharing if it’s something that’s already mine.”
My eyes burn with the threat of unshed tears. But if I start, I know she will too, so I hold them back. “It’s a beautiful name.”
She gazes down at her child. “I wonder what Thrace will name him.”
“Probably after the king.”
Kalixta’s mouth jumps into a grin, brief and fleeting, before her expression sobers. “He wouldn’t.”
“Thrace seems like the strong, traditional type.” I shrug, as if that’s answer enough to what he’d name the child, among other things.
“He’s more than that.”
I remember then what Thrace said to me before he stole her son to the sky.
“I’m sure the name he chooses will be as good as the one you chose for your daughter.”
She’s quiet for a moment before she says, “I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you, too.” I wrap her up in my arms and press a hard kiss to her head.
“Go, before mother returns and starts on you again. I’ll be there for your departure.”
I give her a final parting kiss, leave her room, and prepare for Alixor to take me.
Alixor arrives gleaming and resplendent against the clear blue sky outside the entrance to the great hall.
And even though I expected everything, down to the final draft of air that his body pushes towards me, blood rushes through my veins and dread coats my tongue.
My sister squeezes my hand, slick with sweat, even though I’ve bathed and the day is relatively cool despite the Sere’s usual heat.
My mother places a heavy hand on my shoulder. “Do your duty and you’ll be fine.”
I hate her hand on my shoulder and I hate that fine’s not good enough for me.