Chapter 52
My ringtone interrupts the music playing softly through the car speakers where I’m parked in the lot of the medical center.
Breast Health Center is emblazoned on the sign, mocking me.
It feels like I got lucky last year and this time won’t be the same.
That’s already proven to be true since I’m currently sitting here until I get up the nerve to walk inside and check in for my biopsy.
A fucking biopsy of my breast at thirty-four years old.
If someone my age were to tell me they were going in to have a biopsy on their breast to determine if the mass shown on the mammogram and ultrasound was cancerous, I would likely tell them they were too young. That it’s not possible.
But we all know this is how cancer works. There’s no rhyme or reason. No explanation. It doesn’t skip the young and target the old. It doesn’t discriminate. Cancer is a cancer. And today, I’m one step closer to finding out if it picked me.
Please don’t let it have picked me.
Tears well in my eyes for what feels like the millionth time today. I don’t let them fall. I can’t. Once they start, I’m not sure they’ll ever stop, and I simply don’t have the time to drown in my tears today.
Miller’s name flashes on the dashboard again when I let the first call ring out. He’s not letting me off the hook.
I answer the call on the last ring before it would have gone to voicemail. “Shouldn’t you be getting ready for the stadium?”
“I should be sitting in the car beside you, but someone is a stubborn asshole right now.” He wanted to be here with me.
I refused. I didn’t even have a chance to tell him when the appointment was before Chase and his big fat mouth spilled the beans.
Their friendship is causing problems for my ability to keep secrets.
“You have a game tonight. You don’t need to be here. You have other things to focus on.”
“The fact you expect me to be able to focus on anything other than you right now proves how delusional you are.”
“Did you only call to insult me?”
He sighs heavily. “Are you sure you’re okay by yourself?”
It’s not just that he has a game tonight. I don’t want to put him through waiting for me to get done with the procedure. It hits too close to home with what happened to his sister. I can’t do that to him. I won’t. Even if he insists it doesn’t matter.
“Yes, I’m fine. Already parked and just waiting to walk in.”
“How much longer do you have?” I check the clock on the dash. I’m early because I was nervous but too anxious to go in any earlier than the required thirty minutes before my appointment time.
“Ten minutes. Distract me—how’s Cooper?”
“This dog, I swear.” I tune out while he launches into a story about the golden puppy’s latest reign of terror.
“You need to send him to one of those puppy training camps.”
“But then he won’t be here. I don’t want him to feel like I’m shipping him off to some kennel again. He just got out.”
“Mills, he’s barely six months old and you’re gone literally all the time anyway.
You don’t have time to train him, and you have to board him or have someone watch him when you’re gone, so you might as well kill two birds with one stone and board him with a trainer.
Then after the season you can spend all the time in the world with him and get the puppy snuggles. ”
“The season’s almost over, but you’re right,” he sighs. “It’s really annoying, you know that?”
“Sorry my being practical is annoying to you.”
“You should work on that. No one needs to be practical all the time.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Your time’s up.”
“Yeah.” We sit in silence for a few more minutes before I speak again. “I should go in.” The clock on the dash is mocking me. I’m officially two minutes late.
“You’ve got this, Gabrielle.”
“Don’t call me that. Call me something else.” Calling me by my full and proper name adds to the seriousness of this situation and it’s not something I can handle.
“Okay, Gabadoodledoo. Turn the car off and get inside. If you change your mind, text me. I’ll be there in no time.”
“You need to get to the stadium before Coach gets mad.”
“I’m at the stadium now. Been sitting in the truck talking to you watching everyone else go inside.”
I wish I were at the stadium right now. Anywhere but here to be honest. Knowing he and Chase will be together getting ready for the game like it’s any other day eases some of the anxiety inside.
It’s just another day. It’s just a test. This doesn’t have to be a monumental life altering procedure if I don’t make it one.
“Turn off the car G-money.” Miller breaks me out of my inner monologue.
“I’m going. I’m good. It’ll be good.” It’s only life altering if the results are bad and we don’t know what the results are yet.
“Text me after.” I can hear the concern in his voice even if he tries to hide it.
“Will do.” I hang up, turn the key in the ignition to shut off the car, grab my bag from the passenger seat and get out of the car. Halfway to the entrance, I notice a man standing on the sidewalk staring directly at me.
My steps falter as I take him in. He’s wearing a baseball hat, pulled low over his face to conceal his identity, but I’d know his body anywhere.
His corded forearms are crossed over his chest. He’s wearing jeans that I just know are hugging his ass perfectly and a nondescript T-shirt.
The only indication he may be associated with the team is the Troubadours logo on the front of his cap.
“What are you doing here?” Tears well in my eyes when I step up to him. He immediately wraps me in his arms. The tension falls from my shoulders as I nuzzle into his chest. He’s warm and strong and I feel like maybe I don’t have to be alone now that he’s here.
“I couldn’t let you do this alone, Princess.
” He pulls back to look me in the eyes, tucking a stray piece of hair behind my ear as he says, “Not saying you can’t.
I know you can; you’re the strongest person I know.
You’re also stubborn, so I knew you would argue with me if I asked to come. ” He smiles at me.
“There’s a game tonight. You should be at the stadium with everyone else.
You just got out of trouble and you’re going to get into more trouble showing up late.
” I stare at his chest while I talk, avoiding eye contact because as much as what I say is true, I also really wanted him to be here with me.
“Already taken care of.” He lifts my chin with his finger, forcing me to look at him. I want to ask what he means by that, but he doesn’t let me.
I’m surrounded by him. His scent. His strength. His comfort. It’s in his comfort I find my voice.
“I’m scared,” I mumble into Chase’s neck.
“I know, baby. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” He peppers soft kisses on my forehead, my temple, my head. I close my eyes, reveling in the feel of his touch.
“I love you.”
“I know that too.” He kisses me quickly before tucking me under his arm and directing us through the main doors and into the office down the hall. “We’re a few minutes behind so let’s get you checked in.”
When we reach the check-in desk, he takes control, writing my name on the list and communicating with the receptionist who tells us to take a seat until someone calls.
Chase guides me to one of the loveseats along the wall. Just like the last time I was here, a home improvement show plays on the television.
He holds me close, one arm around my shoulder and the other crossed over his lap holding my thigh.
“I don’t think they’re going to let you go back with me.”
“We’ll see.” Any other time and I’d argue with his “the rules don’t apply to me attitude” but this time I will them to be true.
Now that he’s here I don’t want to do any of this alone.
I don’t want him to stay in the waiting room while I head back to the unknown.
I don’t want to have to explain to him how the procedure works.
I don’t want to relay what the doctor tells me.
I want him there. For all of it. Every single second.
A receptionist calls my name to confirm my insurance information and go over my account.
Chase sticks by my side the entire time.
When she recognizes him as The Chaser, he turns on the charm and before I know it, we’re ushered to the smaller waiting area in the back where I’m instructed to change into a gown.
“I’ll be right here. Go get naked,” he winks at me, patting me on the butt before sitting in a chair lining the wall in front of yet another television playing a DIY show.
With shaking hands, I unbutton my jeans.
The fabric scrapes across my legs as I peel them off.
The cool air hits my skin, causing a shiver through my body.
I fold the jeans neatly and place them in the brown metal locker.
Once they’re taken care of, I move to my shirt, peeling it off one arm at a time. Folding it as well, I stack it on top of my jeans then unclasp my bra and shove it in the locker as well.
The pink cotton is soft when I pull it on and tie it in the front. Sitting down on the small bench, I pull on the ugly gray socks with the sticky feet on the bottom then grab the key ring with the stretchy plastic and go out to the waiting area with chase. He whistles when he sees me.
“I look ridiculous.”
“No, you don’t. You look cute.” He kisses my temple and holds my hand while we wait. He doesn’t try to make small talk. He just silently supports me the way I need.
A short time later, the same woman who performed my mammogram last week calls me into the room for another scan. She says something about needing to mark it for the doctor but I’m zoning out. The whole experience is overwhelming. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to do this.
I wait patiently as she gets the machine set up and then follow her instructions for the scans. They’re over quickly but no less humiliating than they were the last time.
“Okay, dear, you can have a seat, and they’ll call you back when they’re ready for you.”
“Are you okay?” Chase asks when I sit back down beside him.
“No,” I whisper and lean into him, needing his strength to get through this.
“I’m here.”
“Thank you.”
“Ms. Pierson?” a tech asks from the corner by the hallway.
“Yes.” I stand and lace my fingers through Chase’s.
Together we follow her to the operating room that looks the same as the ultrasound room I was in a couple weeks ago.
The lights are turned down and a bed sits in the center of the room with a monitor beside it and the ultrasound equipment attached to it.
“You can lay on the bed. Do you like music? I can turn some on.”
“Um, if you want.” She’s sweet but music or not, I’m not going to be relaxed until this is over. As I get on the bed, the tech busies herself getting everything set up. She tells Chase he can stay but he’ll need to sit on the edge of the room out of the way to avoid potential contamination.
“I’m going to do a quick ultrasound again just to be sure the marker is where it needs to be and then the doctor will come in and get started.” I lay stiff while she squirts the warm ultrasound gel on my boob and presses down with the probe.
Every so often, I look back at Chase to make sure he’s still there.
I know he is but seeing him takes the edge off.
When the doctor comes in and gets started, I stare at the monitor in what feels like an out-of-body experience, watching a large needle enter my breast without being able to feel a thing.
How is this my life right now?