Chapter 13 #2
She scoffs. “An opportunity? An opportunity for who? Beck, this isn’t an ‘us’ thing, it needs to be me.”
“It can be you, you’re missing the whole point.
I get you want this for yourself. Hell, I want it for you too.
If this is about what you brought up earlier…
” I can’t say for certain why Jensen brought up that she didn’t want a cookie-cutter relationship, and I hate that we were interrupted before we could talk more about it anymore.
“This is quite literally the opposite of me wanting you to put your career on hold. I want to help start it now.”
Jensen’s face turns bright red. She holds her hands up. “Okay, that has nothing to do with this. I just wanted to establish…boundaries.”
I raise an eyebrow. “You don’t sound so sure of that.”
She throws her hands up. “You know what I mean, Beck.”
“Can’t say I do. Had we not gotten interrupted I think I might’ve figured it out, but now you’re going to have to spell it out for me.”
Jensen snorts as she shakes her head. “I’m not doing this.”
“Great, then you’ll take my offer to let me pay for this stuff.” I smile as she grits her jaw. “Glad we could come to that agreement.”
“You’re so full of it. God, would you listen for five seconds? I am not taking more of your money!”
“I don’t need five seconds to listen, I’ve been doing that already. What I’m hearing is no good reason not to. You’ll stay here—rent free, because why the hell not? I have empty rooms, use one. I have money to pay for this, so fucking use it.”
Jensen threads her hands through her hair, I swear she’s about to pull it out and I know she’s so close to caving.
“Unless you can give me a legitimate answer then I’m not giving this up.”
Jensen lets out a muffled scream. “I can’t believe I have a freaking crush on you, you’re insufferable!”
Holy shit. Did I hear that right? My smile grows and there’s no stopping it. “You have a what on me?”
Jensen seems to replay what she just said through her head. She holds up a finger. “Nope. No way. Forget I said anything. I’m serious.”
“You have a crush on me?” I take slow steps to her, but she matches with double the number of steps back.
“No, Beck, I don’t want to date you.”
I want to agree with her, but I’m too happy right now. Perfectly content basking in this confession. “I knew you secretly liked me, I’m too lovable not to.”
Jensen retreats all the way to the stairs. “This is done, we’re done talking.”
I laugh. “Oh, we’re far from done.”
Jensen clenches her jaw as she takes the first step up. “Follow me up these stairs, Beckham, and I’ll push you back down them.”
I should stop, I know I should, but this is too big. I can’t stop smiling. “I love it when you flirt with me.”
Steam practically comes out of Jensen’s ears. “Come on, Dottie!” she yells as she hurries up the stairs.
Dottie hops from the couch, pausing at my feet, torn whether to follow or stay. “You fighting this is only hurting her. Be an adult and come kiss and make up with me,” I holler after her.
“Fuck you,” Jensen yells from the top of the stairs. “Dottie, come,” she commands sharply again.
When I give Dottie a nod, she prances up the stairs after Jensen. I wait another ten seconds then hear her bedroom door slam.
Holy hell. Jensen James has a crush on me. I did not see that coming.
I chuckle at the thought like a damn schoolboy, but when my phone starts to buzz on the counter my joy dies at the name on my screen.
Torn between sending it to voicemail and ignoring it completely, I know I would hate myself even more to get a text following this that things have taken a turn.
“Hello,” I answer, clipped.
I hold my breath until my dad replies, “Hey, son, everything’s fine…I just wanted to check on you.”
I let my breath go. Part of me wants to rage at him, but I just can’t. “That could’ve been a text, you know?”
“One you’d answer?” he asks soberly.
“Unsure, I think I’m a little rusty on fighting with you. Was I the weird kid growing up? I hardly remember arguing with you.”
A nervous chuckle comes through the phone. “Can’t say you were normal, but wouldn’t say weird—just a damn good kid.”
“Yeah, well, what do we do now, huh?”
Silence hangs, and even through the phone it’s palpable. I feel like I’m on the verge of sweating and there’s this damn lump forming in my throat. How we left things between us sucks. I hate it, but I need him to at least try to see why I made this decision.
The crush revelation from Jensen felt so good.
I know what I feel for her is dangerous, even more than I care to admit.
If I think about it, I could see how fun and entertaining a future with her would be.
The type of future that I know my dad wants for me, but then I also see the pain and burden I could potentially put on her…
it makes me physically ill to think about.
A heavy sigh sounds. “I don’t know. I don’t like this either. I know it probably seems like an overreaction, but…Beck, come on, why are you doing this to yourself?”
“Dad, not again. I can’t do round two of this conversation. It’s not like I’m completely alone. I have friends. I have my team. I’ll play this game until they force me off the field. I’m good with that, why can’t you be too?”
“Could you just try?” he pleads. “Try to find that happiness that I know you deserve. I’m begging you, please, just try. If you don’t change your mind after, then I’ll stop. But I feel like you’re giving up on something amazing and it’s killing me.”
From high highs to low lows.
“Dad—”
“You never give up on things, Beckham, never. Please don’t give up on yourself. I can’t lose you too.”
His pleas send fighting waves of anger and pure agony through me. Is that why he’s clinging to this so much? He thinks he’s losing me? I don’t know what to say, but suddenly my chest feels like it’s on fire. That panic attack I pushed off is coming back in full force.
Taking off my glasses, I toss them on the counter then lean on the edge to stay up right. Finding a little bit of composure, I push through. “You’re not losing me, Dad.”
“Tell me, son, were those your glasses that hit the table?” When I don’t answer, he huffs. “Even through the phone, I know your tell.”
Dammit, dammit, dammit. The pain in my chest intensifies, and I swear my house is getting smaller. “I can’t do this. If you want to check up on me, next time text.”
I hang up before he can respond, and immediately go weak in the knees.
I try to steady my breathing, but fuck, I’m practically frozen. There’s no stopping the panic, I’m being consumed by it now.
“Beck?”
I’m fairly positive I hear my name, but it also could be a hallucination because I’m sure the ground is going to fall out from under me any second.
And then it does with a blur of black and white, there’s something wet assaulting my face then sending me back on my ass.
“Beck,” the voice says sharper this time. With the blur moved away, I feel soft hands resting on mine. “Beckham, hey, it’s okay. Take a deep breath.”
I try but can’t. The hands come to my cheeks and gently lift my head up. Jensen’s face suddenly becomes a little bit clearer.
“Jensen?” I croak out between breaths.
“Yeah, it’s me. I think you’re having a panic attack, so I need you to listen and breathe with me, okay?”
I nod the best I can.
“Okay, I’m going to count through it. Breathe in for one…two…three…four.”
I try to follow her directions by holding it for another four then out for four, but fuck, it’s hard. Jensen counts through a couple more times before I get a better hang of it and she gets less blurry.
Her hands let go of my face. “Feeling better?”
“Uh, yeah,” I whisper. I look around my place, everything as spacious as it could be, even though moments ago I swore it was caving in.
Dottie licks my face again, bringing a very forced laugh out of me.
Jensen pulls her back. “Dot, space, please.”
“It’s alright.” I pet Dottie’s head then behind her ear as she tilts her head into my hand. I don’t make a single move to get up and neither does Jensen. “Thank you,” I say looking up at her. “It came on so fast.”
“It’s okay.” Jensen sits up off her knees then settles right back down crisscross like she’s settling in to sit here with me for however long it takes. “Do you usually get panic attacks?”
“I… uh…used to.” I clear my throat. I don’t think I’ve ever talked about this with anyone before besides my dad. “They started after my mom’s diagnosis, but I haven’t had one like that in the past two years.”
Jensen hums softly. “Wanna talk about it?”
“No,” I blurt out, because I truly don’t think I can talk about it. But looking at her, I feel like the biggest hypocrite in the world because I’ve forced her to talk things out for the past two days.
She nods. “You know I planned on hiding in my room then sneaking out for my shift at Winedown in a couple of hours, but when Dottie started whining and scratching at my door…I don’t know, I could just feel something was wrong.”
I let out a humph in amusement, the corners of my mouth threaten a smile, but a lot of energy feels drained. “Jensen?”
“Yeah?”
“I know you’re supposed to work, but any chance you could get someone to cover? I think we both need a lazy day.”
I wait for her to say no, but instead she smiles. “Let me see what I can do.”