Chapter 14 #2
Holy shit. Holy shit.
“You’ve had a what?”
Heart beating louder. Heart might burst out of my chest.
He turns to me with a curious look. “A vasectomy. You know…” He closes his fingers together like scissors, and that dies down the heartbeat a bit.
“I know what a vasectomy is, Beckham. I’m shocked to learn you’ve had one. Can’t say I ever expected to hear you say that.”
He shrugs. “I guess it’s not something I’ve ever really talked about before. No regrets on my end.”
My mouth opens then shuts. I don’t know what to say. My brain is absolutely reeling. Beck doesn’t want kids? Or, well, would adopt if he did…
“But you always seem so into kids. Miles adores you, and you’re so good with him.”
Beck gives me his signature smile. “I knew you liked watching me, Jennie.”
I kick his shoulder for the third time.
“So aggressive.” He fakes a pout, then smiles again. “I love Miles, and I love the idea of kids. I have other reasons, but kids aren’t a guarantee I see in my future. If that changes, then there are other options.”
The silence sits between us while I fully let what he’s said sink in. Holy shit. He doesn’t want to have kids. He can’t have kids actually. I could sleep with him and have zero fear of getting pregnant.
Something about that revelation does something to me. I spent years trying to explain my fear of pregnancy to my ex. I don’t think there has ever been a time I’ve truly enjoyed sex because of that fear looming over my head.
“I have tokophobia,” I say to him more confidently than I’ve ever said to anyone. “An extreme fear of childbirth. Stella was actually my best friend growing up. Our moms were best friends, the whole nine yards.”
The look on Beck’s face nearly has me stopping there but I want to talk to him. I don’t know what he’s done to me, but every time I’m around him, he brings out something new that I just can’t help it.
“We were nine when her mom had a surprise pregnancy. I remember all of it.” I swallow down the lump quickly forming in my throat. “Um, neither of them made it through childbirth.”
Beck sighs. “Jen—”
I just want to get it all out, so I continue. “The fear started after that, and I know it seems like I had some separation to the situation, but with everything Stella went through… Her dad couldn’t cope with the trauma—it was bad, so the fear really solidified with the aftermath.”
I prep myself to hear all the sympathies and rationalities that I’ve been met with before, but again, Beck surprises me.
“I got my vasectomy a year after the doctor told us that there’s a chance I could have early-onset too.”
“Really?” I try to keep the question more inquisitive than judgmental. I don’t need him to rationalize with me and I’m sure he feels the same.
“Yeah.” Beck pats the couch for Dottie to hop back up.
He pets her slowly and deep inside something tells me he’s never told anyone this before.
“I’ve been told there’s never a guarantee.
I’ve been lectured on all the things to do that could help prevent it.
I’ve been to therapy for it, but at the end of the day there is no guarantee, so I made one for myself.
If it’s genetics, then I can control my future ones.
I don’t need a kid to have my DNA to love it any differently. ”
Oh my lord, this freaking man. I relate to so much of what he just said.
All the therapy sessions helped me have the tools to cope with the fear—for example, with Lucie—but I also heard countless statistics about women who were fine giving birth.
I was told to just get over it by my ex and for a while I tried.
But then here comes Beck Daines with the emotional intelligence of my three-degree holding therapist. I feel seen for the first time and that wasn’t even his intention. This is not good. I’m so screwed.
Beck blows out a breath. “Well, that got deep real fast.”
This day has been nothing but whiplash and these gummies are not helping…
Or maybe they are.
Beck squeezes my shin. “So, because I so wasn’t listening…you mentioned something about your parents in Wyoming?”
“I knew you were.” I tsk. “They’re on a six-month-long camping trip. It’s my dad’s biggest bucket list item for him to complete before he turns sixty. He wants to do a few nights in every state.”
“That’s pretty cool. I like that.” Beck leans deeper into the couch. “Can’t say I want to do that, but I like the idea.”
“Mom hates the idea, but she’s doing it. She had some major stipulations, though.”
Beck snorts a laugh. “Oh, yeah?”
“They must travel in an RV, no tent sleeping, and to conclude all fifty states they go to resorts in Alaska and Hawaii.”
“Resorts aren’t camping.”
“That was Dad’s argument, but essentially, beggars can’t be choosers.
I think my parents are the most polar opposite people in the world, but they make it work.
Mom sweetened the deal with the RV, promising she’d make all of our Aubela’s recipes any time he asked.
Mind you, six months in an RV…I think her resort requests are justified. ”
Beck nods. “Alright, alright, I’m following the compromises. What would you want to do?” Beck’s hand lands softly on my thigh, his thumb gliding back and forth slowly.
“W-what?” I nearly choke on the air and my heart beats faster. This isn’t fair. Even with the sweatpants separating his skin from mine, I can feel his warmth. It seemed like a mindless movement on his part, and yet the touch vibrates through me.
“What’s your big bucket list item? What’s in that planner Stella mentioned for before you turn sixty?”
“Oh, um…” I hadn’t ever really thought about that before. My plans have changed so much over the past year, let alone the past few days. “I think Stella might be right in throwing the whole plan out. I’m getting a little tired of planning for it to just implode in my face.”
“Yeah, maybe that’s a good idea.” Beck’s thumb glides back and forth. It’s a small thing, and I never considered myself someone whose love language is touch, but these soft ones Beck gives me make me want more.
Just as the thought crosses my mind, he pulls back. His hand goes to his face lifting his glasses as he pinches the bridge of his nose. “You know, I’m going to take Dottie out again. We’ll be back.”
“Right,” I clip out, pulling my knees up to my chest. I wait for the door to shut before I let out my breath. “I’ll be here, I guess.”