Chapter 23 Beck
Beck
If you plan on stalking me later, I’ll be at Winedown all day.
P.S. Very mad. My dog is cool enough on her own.
P.P.S. This is so cute I could just…gag. Thanks for letting me crash. Beck, if you get this before Jensen throws it away—please continue to make her shine like a glow stick. She deserves nothing less. Xoxo Stella.
P.P.P.S? I stole some Advil too.
I chuckle at the notepad in my hand. It would probably be a smart move for me to stay home tonight. I got more than enough shit from Dex at the training facility, and the pure hate I felt yesterday when Stella brought up Jensen moving out came with red flashing lights in my head.
Then I slipped up and called her baby in front of her sister, which I know did not go unnoticed by Stella. I then got many well-worded questions from my father when I called him asking about Jensen.
Everything in my brain is yelling at me to stop this. Walk away while I still can, but I can’t. I’m drowning in my feelings for her now and being around her seems to be my only life preserver.
I know I can’t be what she wants. I care way too much about her to put her through loving me. I know this could blow up in my face, but I didn’t expect it to happen this quickly.
Yet, here I am, picking up my keys again after dropping Dottie off at the house so I can go reach for my life preserver.
Walking into Winedown, I find Jensen’s eyes immediately. She flashes me a quick smile before helping the person in front of her.
Weaving through the tables and people, I grab the first empty seat I see at the bar.
Once the other bartender registers who I am, she simply nods and nudges Jensen. I must have made my intentions very clear the past few times I’ve been here.
Jensen leans around the other girl and shakes her head at me. I can tell from that look alone that she’s about to make me wait. Not that I mind, I’ll gladly sit here all night and watch her.
A few people come and go from the bar while Jensen occasionally looks my way. I simply give her a smile or wink. I don’t know how much time passes as I watch her, but finally the bar seems to steady a bit and she makes her way in front of me.
“Hey, Stalker.”
“Is it really stalking if you begged me to come find you?”
Jensen’s jaw drops a tad. “Begged is an awfully strong word for me, Beck. You, on the other hand…”
“Oh, don’t start with me, Jenni-cakes, I’ll have you begging in the supply closet.”
Jensen’s cheeks redden a bit, and I mark the rise and fall of her chest.
“You thinking about it?”
“Maybe,” she whispers.
Leaning on the bar, I pitch my voice lower. “I like that my mark is on display today.”
And at that, her blush dies and her hand goes to her neck. “Nunca más. Have you learned that one yet?”
“Yes, I have, and yes, it is happening again. I may not be great at speaking it yet, but I mostly started learning to understand what you whisper to yourself about me.”
Jensen leans to meet me halfway on the bar. “Get ready to hear about all the things you do that piss me off.”
I don’t miss my opportunity. “You know I love when you flirt with me.”
Jensen’s blush comes right back, and oh, how I adore it.
I’m so completely wrapped up in it that I don’t register the person moving into the seat next to me until they’re saying Jensen’s name.
“Hey, Jensen, long time no see.” The guy looks about my age with tattoos down his arms. I can’t say he’s necessarily looking at Jensen in any sort of way, but it doesn’t matter.
This pain comes to my chest when Jensen gives him a smile. “Hey, what are you doing here?”
The guy gives her a nonchalant shrug. “Well, you haven’t responded to any of my proof of life texts so I thought I’d check in.”
The fuck? I shouldn’t care that he sent her texts, especially if she’s leaving them on read, but fuck that, I do care. I care a whole fucking lot.
Jensen holds her hands up in defense. “My bad. As you can see, I’m alive.
Been a little busy, but alive nonetheless.
” Jensen eyes land on me. I don’t know what she’s about to introduce me as, but I know I’m going to fucking hate to hear the word friend.
“This is Beck. My roommate. Beck, this is Blake, he works at Tally’s. ”
Blake? I think she’s mentioned that name before…I think that’s the name she threw out as another option of whose house to crash at. The pain in my chest only gets worse and my stomach turns in knots.
“Worked,” Blake corrects. “Officially quit two days ago.”
Jensen’s eyes go wide, and I hate both myself right now and hate the fact that this is nowhere the end of this conversation.
“Wait, really? How’d that go?”
“Not quite as bad as your exit, but not pretty, either. Did you know I too am a slut and a thief?”
My blood boils. I know I told Jensen not to tell me the lies they were saying about her, and apparently that was a good call. “Jensen, what the fuck is he talking about?”
Her eyes lock on mine and her face softens. “Beck, it’s fine. I told you they were saying things, and we handled what we could in that situation. It’s over now.”
Blake shifts in the seat. “Sorry, I didn’t mean—”
“No, it’s fine.” Jensen turns her attention back to him and it takes all my willpower to not reach over the bar and take it back. “So, what are you doing now?”
“Eh, I’ll let them get their hissy fit out, same as I told you to do. But in light of how they treated you, I may have clued the health department in on a few glaring violations along with a copy of Hank’s license that, surprise, surprise, he forgot to renew.”
Jensen’s eyes light up in a way that has my stomach turning in knots. “You didn’t…”
“Damn right I did. We’ll see what comes of it, but in the meantime, I’m going to go visit my sister for a bit. She runs a bed and breakfast and usually needs extra hands over the holidays. After that I’ll come back here and look for a new place to work.”
Don’t say it. Don’t say it.
“Well, if you’re interested I’m going to be opening my own place. Wouldn’t mind renting a spot—”
Fuck.
“Jensen.” Her name is out of my mouth before I can stop it. I’m overstepping. I’m well aware I’m being a total dick right now. I need to stop before I make it worse.
Jensen tilts her head. She’s rightfully pissed at me. I can see it all over her face. “Got something to add to that interruption, Beckham?”
I stand from my seat. “Nope, I’m gonna go actually. It’s your thing, I know you can handle it. I’m just—” I’m making it worse. Holy shit, I’m making this so much worse. “I’ll see you at the house.”
Jensen huffs a small breath. “Yeah, maybe.”
I feel that “maybe” all the way home. I hate it, and myself. I can’t explain it.
I know I don’t own her, but in some fucked up way, it bothered me that I couldn’t put this claim on her either. Jensen said someday down the road she did want that forever type of love…
After taking Dottie across the street, I stare at my empty living room with a sigh. I wanted to stay on that damn barstool until Jensen could come home with me, but here I am, stewing in my own downfall.
Dottie jumps up on the couch to turn a few circles before lying down with a humph.
“I know…I wish she was here too. Surely, her ‘maybe’ was an empty threat…”
Dottie lifts her eyes to me, and I swear if she could talk she would tell me not to put it past her mom to let me sweat it out.
Sighing, I do the only thing I can bring myself to do, which is play a round of pool. I don’t turn on an audiobook or music, I let the silence be my punishment.
Nearing hour two, my anxiety is starting to feel a bit like something clawing inside my chest. Calling Jensen would most likely go to voicemail, and calling Winedown would only piss her off more.
Another half hour passes and I’m about to grab my keys again to head to the bar but then the front door opens.
Dottie jumps up from the couch and races to greet Jensen the moment she steps through the door.
Jensen squats down to give her a big greeting, but when she stands back up and her eyes lock onto mine, she softens. “Hey.”
“Hey,” I breathe out, stepping to her slowly. “I’m sorry for being a dick at the bar.”
Jensen bobs her head as she chews on her bottom lip. “Want to tell me why? I know we didn’t say it, but exclusivity felt pretty implied on my end for this whole roommates-with-benefits situation.”
“No, I know. But I was jealous, Jen. There’s no point in me denying it, I was fucking jealous.”
Jensen takes a deep breath as she takes a step toward me.
“Beck, it’s fine to be jealous. Do you honestly think I’ve never been jealous?
I hated watching Mia flirt with you, I know I pushed her on you, but I hated it.
What I don’t get is why you thought that needed to cross over into me mentioning my shop then run away in the middle of it. ”
I tug her to me, resting my forehead on hers. “I left because I don’t know how to make sense of us, baby.”
“And you think I do?” Jensen pushes me back slightly. Her eyes locking onto mine while she waits for an actual explanation.
“No, it’s—” Complicated? Fuck, that’s putting what we are lightly.
“I don’t know how to make sense of how I wanted so badly to show everyone in that bar that you were mine.
I wanted to get up and take my bat to Tally’s for even thinking poorly of you.
I hated the idea of Blake working with you because I was so fucking jealous that he might get to have you longer in his life than me. ”
Jensen swallows hard. “Beck, I came here not wanting to entertain the idea of any relationship. You said yourself that you don’t want love or a relationship…is that still true?”
Her question hits me like a ton of bricks. My hands flinch to reach for my glasses but instead I pull her back again and rest my forehead back on hers.
Taking a deep breath, I can’t look at her when I whisper, “It’s still true.”