Chapter 25 Jensen #2
When Stella brought up it being temporary…he kept his eyes on his wineglass…he looked me in the eyes when he said he wished it was him…and didn’t when I asked him if not being in a relationship was still what he wanted.
But then again he said he would take off his glasses, he didn’t completely do that. But he wasn’t looking at me either.
“Jensen?” Rory asks amidst my spiral. “You’re trying to figure out all the times he’s lied, aren’t you?”
Shaking my head, I try to pull myself out of it. “Um, you know, I haven’t exactly…” Shit. “I called for the pictures.”
“You’re right, I’ll work on getting those. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to start something.”
Yeah, right. I honestly can’t stop the smart-ass remark. “Yeah, you did.”
Rory hums in amusement. “Guilty. I love my son, I want him to be happy and he seems hell-bent on living his life alone, when I know that’s not what he wants.”
Chills run through my body. This phone call was a mistake. I try to find some level of a calm tone. “With all due respect, people are allowed to change.”
Another breath of amusement. “They are. Beck said the same thing himself. But he hasn’t changed, he’s lying to himself, and that’s the difference.”
His words vibrate through me. Is he right? It’s what’s kept me up most of the night and now Beck’s dad is only making my spiral worse…or better, if he’s actually right about this tell of his.
“I’ll get you the pictures, Jensen. I saw an opportunity so I took it on the other stuff.”
Even though my brain feels like it’s spinning, I have to admit I did expect to get a glimpse of why Beck is the way he is. “Like father, like son, it seems.”
Rory laughs. “Beck is the best parts of me and his mom. I just want him to be happy, and if I truly believed being alone is what he wanted then I’d find peace in that.
But I hope you know it’s not your responsibility either.
I’ve overstepped enough for today, but I’ll leave you with that.
Everyone deserves to be happy, and if it’s not Beck then I hope you find it too. ”
I take a deep breath then swallow hard. I won’t force Beck to want me, and if I can’t tell him then at least someone will know. “I think he’s been my happiness for longer than I’d care to admit.”
“So, I’m thinking an extra sink here. Maybe get you a small private room in this corner, and maybe some—Jensen, are you listening?” Reagan asks.
My nod is slow at first but then my brain catches up. I blink rapidly out of my daze. “Yes, sink sounds great, the room will be appreciated, and if I could finish that sentence for you, it would be extra outlets if possible.”
I flash her some half-assed smile. I was listening to her, but I get why it seems like I wasn’t. I’m officially in a funk. So deep in my funk that even pulling out my tried-and-true sketch book hasn’t helped.
Part of me hoped Reagan wouldn’t be able to make today work, but she said she’d meet me here at ten. While getting ready, I messaged Lucie to meet me there and us get some brunch after.
I have to talk to someone. I have to get this out or I might go insane.
I know Reagan can tell something’s up, but as nosy as she is, she also knows I won’t spill my heart out to her here in our new business space.
A happy squeak comes up behind us and we both turn to find Lucie walking in. “I’m so excited for this!”
Now, Lucie…Lucie will care deeply about my attitude, so I plaster a smile on my face. I’ll spill my guts to her later. “You were right, Princess Peach. I think this will turn out really cool.”
Lucie tilts her head. “Actually, I said it would be the perfect solution, Beck was the one who said it could be a cool concept.”
I roll my eyes. “To-may-to, to-mah-to. You ready to get some food?”
“Considering I actually feel like I could eat something today? Yes, I’m very ready, but I did get here early so no rush if you aren’t done.”
Reagan steps to her sister for a hug then a small pat to her belly. “Well, if these babies are calling for food, then we’re done.”
Lucie scrunches her nose. “I swear if we get there and I start to feel nauseous I will cry. I cried this morning at literally nothing. The sunrise looked so pretty from our balcony, I just started bawling.”
I snort a bit of a laugh. “And Daddy Dex still left your side to go workout with the guys? I’m shocked.”
Lucie lets out a heavy sigh. “Well, he tried canceling. He’s tried saying he’ll just back out of pitching again and coach so he can help—”
“I bet that went over like a ton of bricks,” I say.
Lucie’s been so happy about him pitching again. Honestly, brave move on Dex’s part.
“I did not take it well.” Lucie folds her lips together for a moment before admitting, “I may have told him that if I have to grow two babies in my stomach, he could throw some effing balls. But I actually said the F word.”
Reagan huffs. “Well, if you’re not going to repeat it correctly then why repeat it at all.”
Lucie’s jaw clenches. God bless her, I think she’s a bit hormonal, and I know Reagan is not about to help at all.
I reach for Lucie’s hand and pull her a step away from her sister. “I bet Dex was impressed you actually cursed. Plus, he has to pitch again, all the guys would stand with you on that statement.”
Instantly, her shoulders relax a bit. “I still felt bad, but you’re right, he was impressed.”
“See, no feeling bad. Let’s head out before your appetite changes.” And I have to referee a sister fight—that’s Will’s job, not mine. It also probably wouldn’t help that I’d take Lucie’s side no matter what.
Reagan pulls out her phone, typing her thumbs on her screen quickly before my phone vibrates in my pocket.
“I sent you some screenshots of some things the health inspector emailed me, and a list of the new codes to get in and out of here anytime you want. We’re getting new locks and security cameras outside and in the back room put in today, so might want to keep that in mind in case you bring Beck with you next time. ”
The comeback that it didn’t happen in the backroom is on the tip of my tongue but thankfully I have enough forethought to stop it. “Thank you, I’m going to start looking at some furniture so I’ll probably come measure out some stuff later this week.”
And I can’t say whether Beck will be with me or not. Honestly, I don’t know if this roommates-with-benefits thing can go much longer.
My heart keeps going up and down because I feel for him so much that I would never want to push a relationship if he truly didn’t want it. I’d walk away, but my soul feels so deeply entwined with his.
Walking out of the shop, Lucie links her arm in mine. “There’s a cute place a block up. Want to go there?”
I snort a laugh. It’s freaking freezing outside, but I guess she did say she’s actually hungry. “Did you look for the closest place to the shop before you got here?”
“Oh yeah!” Lucie tugs at my arm as she starts down the sidewalk. “I haven’t been able to hold down food in weeks, Jen. Weeks!”
“Poor Princess Peach.”
“Don’t poor princess me, I’m about to start what will borderline be an interrogation on your whole roommate situation. You have until our butts hit the seats. No arguments or taking Beck talk off the table. It’s not happening.”
I find a laugh. “This may shock you, but I have no arguments. Talking about Beck was why I called you.”
Lucie hums, intrigued. “Shall I sit down now?”
“On the salt and slush sidewalk? No, I think you can hold out until we get to the restaurant.”
Lucie grumbles under her breath, but when the wind picks up, she leans into me. “Alright, fair.”
And whether it’s the conversation we’re looking forward to or getting out of the cold, we pick up our pace.
The moment Lucie’s butt hits her side of the booth, she shakes out a chill and rubs her hands together. “Okay, spill.”
“Can’t we order—”
“Nope,” Lucie pops the p for good measure. “Come on, Jen, you know there’s no point in stalling. That’s not very you.”
I tsk at first, but of course, Lucie’s got a point. “Alright, so I like Beck. At the sake of sounding very immature, I like, like him.”
Lucie blows a raspberry at me. “Try again, I already know that. Tell me about the reasons you’re hesitant to make it more than this silly roommates-with-benefits deal.”
“It wasn’t a ‘silly’ deal, Luce. There were, and frankly still are, deeper reasons with that. When we first made this agreement, neither of us wanted it to turn into a relationship. And the real kicker is Beck is the one who I think still wants to stand on that.”
“Wait.” Lucie’s eyebrows pull together. “Beck doesn’t want a relationship? With you?” I can see what little anger lives in Lucie stirring. “I might cuss again.”
“Relax, it’s not about me…I don’t feel completely comfortable disclosing his reasons, but in his defense, it is valid if he truly doesn’t want a relationship.”
Lucie shuffles in her seat. “Okay, my pregnancy brain is really trying to dig into what you’re saying. So, you think they are valid, but you’re not sure if he means it or not?”
I nod. “Correct, and add in a conversation with his dad about it, and you’ll be about just as confused as I am.”
Lucie’s lips fold together, and I see she’s holding back a laugh.
“Lucie!”
Her arms go up. “I’m sorry, but this is…I don’t know. I’m working with breadcrumbs here, and my two eyeballs that see how much you two care about each other. I’m sorry, I’m just not getting it.”
“Again, neither am I! Luce, I think I’m in love with this man and I’ve only lived with him for just over a month and been his friend with benefits for a whole week. That is insane! Why do I fall in love with the men I’m involved with? I was sure I was stronger this time.”
Lucie’s smile turns Joker-like, despite my dread.
“Well, then why are you smiling like the Joker? This is serious.”
“You’re right, it very much is. Jen, you love him.
Think about your ex for a second, he constantly made you feel less-than right?
You had to mold into his lifestyle and expectations.
Does Beck do that? Has any part of moving in felt uncomfortable?
You know, minus the extreme levels of sexual tension. ”
I see the point she’s about to make, and dammit, I’m going to let her make it. “No to both.”
“You know Beck’s completely incomparable to your ex. I don’t even have to say it, you believe that deep in your gut, that’s freaking surface-level knowledge. Stop diminishing what you feel.”
“But what if what I feel isn’t valid?”
“Your feelings are always valid. They are valid to you because they are yours. What you and Beck agreed to was made with valid feelings. You telling him that you can’t continue with the only benefits aspect because of your feelings for him, is valid.
No matter the time frame you developed them.
And I hate it, but whatever his response is will also be valid. ”
This pit forms deep in my stomach. Shit, now I’m the nauseous one.
“Luce—”
Her hand reaches over to take mine. “You also get to control when that happens, so trust your gut, and I swear on everything—no matter what happens, you will still be my best friend. Nothing will ever change that.”
I squeeze her hand. “Good, I’d hate to kidnap you, Princess Peach.”
Her smile grows again. “Is it kidnapping if I come willingly?”