Chapter 16 #2
Lilly didn’t need to get it, though. The bike meant freedom, it meant solace. To someone like Lilly who hated motorcycles and thought them unnecessarily dangerous, Jenna would never be able to explain the tranquility she found on the back of Jack’s bike.
As early as the end of February and all the way through the start of the winter snow, motorcycles could be heard around the property. Like someone who lived next to train tracks, Jenna barely heard the rumbles of the engines anymore.
But this one she knew.
Jenna hit the emergency Stop button for the bike, halting all stimulation to her legs and the rotation of the pedals.
“Jenna, what—”
“It’s Jack,” she answered softly, not waiting for Lilly to finish her question. A myriad of emotions swelled up inside her, and for a moment, Jenna wasn’t able to breathe.
Grief, anger, fear, hope, anxiety, love, anger again… They swirled inside her like a cyclone. She was under no delusion that this would be a happy reunion.
For twenty years, Jenna lived with the unknown of Jack’s deployments.
The constant worry that today would be the day she would have to tell her kids that their father wasn’t coming home.
And every time he did. She stood by him for every deployment, every promotion, every injury, every uncertainty.
The day he’d received his retirement papers was one of the happiest days of her life, because it meant they would never be separated again.
Forevermore, it would be her and Jack. Always together, always at each other’s side.
Until their daughter was taken from them.
There was no rulebook for grief. No one person reacted the same.
For some, it was immediate and debilitating.
For others, it took time and then something seemingly random would trigger them.
The five stages weren’t wrong. There was denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance.
Regardless of the order, for some, they transitioned through them smoothly. They processed, grieved, and moved on.
Jenna was bouncing between depression and anger most days. The very idea of accepting her daughter’s murder seemed abhorrent, no deal had been accepted by the universe to bring her back, and seeing her daughter in a coffin had quashed any lingering denial.
One hand worked better than the other as she quickly tried to undo the straps and sticky pads that hooked her legs to the cycle. Lilly realized what she was doing and shook herself out of her shock to help.
Jenna was nearly strapped back into her powerchair when the front door opened.
From her angle at the back of the living room, she couldn’t see it.
Her heartbeat raced, and she was reminded of all those precious seconds in the airport when she was waiting for Jack to deplane, fearing that there was some sort of mix-up and he actually wasn’t on that plane.
He walked into the living room.
Jenna’s breath caught as the sight of him hit her like a wrecking ball.
His hair was longer, and he clearly hadn’t shaved in some time.
His gunmetal-gray eyes that she’d loved since she was fifteen years old had a dullness to them that she’d never seen before.
The waterproof riding jacket she’d gotten him for Christmas four years ago was unzipped, revealing his loose-fitting shirt underneath.
Like her, he’d lost weight since they’d last seen each other.
Lilly finished strapping Jenna in before walking forward towards her brother. Slap! Jenna let out a yelping gasp when Lilly’s open palm connected with Jack’s left cheek. Jack’s face jerked to the side, but the slap lacked the force to truly move him.
Putting her finger up to his nose, Lilly growled, “I have never been so pissed at you before, Jackie.” Then she threw her arms around his shoulders and squeezed him like a boa constrictor. “I’m glad you’re okay.”
Jack put his arms around his sister, bending low enough to bury his face into the crook of her neck.
The siblings held on to one another, both shaking as they processed their shared grief.
They’d been through a lot together, from the abuse they’d faced at the hands of their birth father to the loss of their adopted mother, which was then followed by the loss of their adopted father a mere decade later.
Their bond was indestructible, and no matter what, they knew they had the other’s back.
Finally, they separated. Though Jack didn’t have tears in his eyes as Lilly did, his nose was redder than normal. He ran his hand through Lilly’s graying hair, tugging on the ends a little.
Lilly patted him on the chest. She glanced behind herself to verify Jenna was good, and then left the room.
Jack watched his sister go, a habit he picked up as a child to always make sure she got from Point A to Point B safely. Slowly, he turned back around to face her.
With the push of a button by her bent pointer finger knuckle, the powerchair started to maneuver her body into a standing position.
The straps at her feet, shins, hips, and shoulders kept her from falling forward.
Today, thankfully, was a good day. She was getting better the more she exercised, and she was sure her determined mindset had something to do with it too.
Her right hand refused to unbend, and she suspected the ache in her back was now a permanent one, but she wasn’t giving up.
There was still fight left inside her.
Jack’s eyes roamed over her, taking in her shorts, unshaved legs, and sneakers before journeying back up to her shirt—which was actually his shirt with a fancy knot at her belly—and her messy hair.
She knew she had a sheen of sweat on her from exercising, though she couldn’t feel it.
With her worsening symptoms, one was a decrease in temperature sensitivity.
She had random hot and cold flashes, regardless of the outside weather or the house’s thermostat.
Jack stepped forward. “You look beautiful, baby.”
Her arms balanced on the rests parallel to the floor, Jenna pressed the joystick to roll herself forward a little. “You look like you need a shave.”
For nearly thirty years, Jack had had a closely cropped beard, which was now longer than Jenna had ever seen it before.
Jack’s lips twitched. “I need a lot of things, but first, I have something for you.”
Jenna frowned a little. “Jack, you need to stop buying me things. I don’t even know how much all this equipment cost. We no longer have the store, which means we no longer have a steady income. We need to be watching our pennies, not spending them all.”
“First of all.” Jack lowered the strap of a duffle bag off his shoulder and placed the bag on the arm of the couch. “I will never stop buying you things that you need. Second, let’s just say there’s an alternative revenue source that we’re using that isn’t our personal savings.”
Jenna raised an eyebrow as Jack unzipped his bag. “Do I want to know?”
“Probably not.” He pulled out what looked to be a seatbelt of some kind. “But you know I’ll tell you if you ask.”
Jenna decided that she’d hold off on asking, although it was foolish of her to think that he wouldn’t do anything illegal considering where he’d been and what he’d been doing for the past month and a half. Maybe he robbed a bank along the way. Regardless, she trusted him.
Jack held up the seatbelt, opening it up to show the loops and straps connected to it. Though she recognized it as a harness like the one Bree used to stay on a motorcycle, Jenna couldn’t help but say, “Is that for a strap-on? Because I thought you’d nixed pegging a long time ago.”
Jack nearly dropped the harness. Instead, he stormed forward and seized her by the hair at the back of her head. His grip was firm but gentle as he tipped her head up towards him. Even with the powerchair holding her in a standing position, he was still taller than her.
“My naughty little Jen…” The growl in his voice sent a shiver down her spine that had nothing to do with temperature. Bringing his face closer to her, he held her gaze for a long, heart-stopping moment. “I want you to come with me.”
“Where?” Her voice was breathless, barely a whisper. How was it that he still had this sort of effect on her?
“Does it matter?” he retorted. Jack lowered his lips to her mouth, but stopped just before he touched her. “Do you trust me?”
“Always,” was her immediate response.
Jack tipped his head to the side slightly, studying her. “Do you still hate me?”
It took her a moment to recall her cruel words from Melanie’s viewing.
She swallowed hard, because until he’d asked the question, she’d thought her answer was ‘no’.
She thought she’d moved past his absence, accepted his abandonment.
She thought she’d come to terms with thinking of him in a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde type fashion.
“I don’t know,” she confessed.
Pain crossed his features for a fraction of a second before he masked it. Nodding, he said sternly, “Then hate me, Jen. Yell at me, curse me, call me names, hit me if you must… But do all of it while loving me.”
Jenna’s heart squeezed tightly inside her chest. “I do love you, Jack. That will never change. I just don’t know where we go from here. I don’t know how to…” She hesitated, “Be us, right now.”
Jack licked his lips. Still gripping her hair with one hand, he raised the harness up with the other. “Are you brave enough to find out?”
Jenna swallowed hard. It had been a long time since she’d been on a motorcycle.
They’d ridden last summer, until one day when she couldn’t.
Jack had refused to ride without her. There’d only been two exceptions that Jenna knew of: riding with the club to pick Pumpkin up from rehab and then following Melanie’s murder.