Chapter 16 #4
He wasn’t sure if Jenna had been back here.
There were fresh flowers on the top of the headstone, but that could have been from any number of her aunts, biological or otherwise.
Melanie wasn’t one for the spotlight. She would have hated her own funeral, simply because she would have been the center of attention.
Not wanting to draw attention to them from the rumble of the bike, Steel flicked the key and set the kickstand. The grass wasn’t the best place to park it, but it gave them a seat other than the ground.
Steel unbuckled the harness just as he’d done at the diner and the two gas stops they’d made. They were running on fumes to get here, but Steel hadn’t wanted to delay. It would have only been an excuse to put this off longer.
Keeping one hand behind him to ensure Jenna didn’t topple over, Steel got himself to his feet before turning and scooting himself back onto the bike.
Face to face, Steel brought Jenna to him.
With his feet on the ground for increased balance, he placed her legs over his thighs and held her with his hands linked behind the small of her back.
He flipped the switch, turning off the motorcycle’s headlight. Darkness fell over them, only broken by the moonlight and the distant streetlamp.
Steel raised one hand to wipe the tears streaming down Jenna’s cheeks as she stared at their daughter’s grave.
“Some days it doesn’t feel real,” she told him.
Her voice was soft, hitching slightly at her tears.
“I think it’s worse because she’d already moved out of the house.
Her room wasn’t her room anymore. Sometimes I can close my eyes and pretend she’s still at college, and all this was just a crazy nightmare. ”
Steel pressed his lips to her forehead. “I can’t remember the last time I talked to her.
With the store getting blown up, Ollie getting his license, and taking care of you…
” He shook his head, shame washing over him.
He squeezed his eyes closed against the sting.
“I can’t remember the last time I called her just to check in or to tell her how proud I was of her or how much I loved her. ”
Jenna’s chin shook against his chest. “She knew. She was her daddy’s little girl. Going off to college,” her voice cracked, “never changed that.”
Steel glanced to his left where he saw his daughter’s shadowed name carved into marble.
“When I thought Shaw had done it, the guilt… It should have been me. I wanted it to have been me. I was so angry, and I couldn’t…
All I could think of was making him pay.
I’d somehow convinced myself that killing him would make this pain go away.
” Closing his eyes, he breathed in her vanilla shampoo.
“The worst part, though, was that I couldn’t face you. ”
He felt Jenna’s head shift under his lips as she lightly shook her head. “You were my ride or die, Jack…”
Steel hadn’t thought there could be a pain in this world that would surpass losing his daughter.
But hearing Jenna speak of them in the past tense?
It was a different kind of pain, and yet so much more intense.
It wasn’t just his heart that was broken at those words, but his entire being.
His soul, attached to her by love and grit, felt shredded.
He had to know, no matter how much he dreaded the answer. “Were?”
Jenna sat back, forcing Steel to shift too.
He still kept a tight grip on her, though she seemed fairly steady even after the long day on his hog.
In the moonlight, her hazel eyes shined bright with unshed tears.
“Jack, I love you.” She lifted her hand to his chest. “But our daughter was murdered, and you left me. You asked me earlier today if I still hate you.” She looked down, swallowing hard.
“I don’t hate you, Jack. I can’t, but I also can’t deny that there’s something different here.
I thought I was over it. I thought that I’d made peace with it.
And I’m very aware that even feeling it makes me a massive hypocrite because I told you to find him.
I told you to make him hurt, and there was no way you could do that and still be with me as I needed you to be.
I know that. And yet…” Jenna took a shaky breath.
“I’m so fucking mad at you.” Her hand tightened around his shirt.
“I don’t know how we get back to being us.
I don’t know how to look at you, face this world, and forget that you abandoned me. ”
Steel felt like there was a boulder on his chest preventing him from breathing. “I did. You needed me, and I wasn’t there.” His voice sounded like he’d taken sandpaper to his throat.
“Which is selfish,” Jenna argued, shaking her head. “You had a right to mourn her as you needed to, too.”
Steel’s jaw tightened. “I didn’t mourn her.
I haven’t. I’ve spent weeks hunting down her murderer, and I still haven’t accepted it.
I see her grave, I picked out her coffin,” his voice cracked, “I watched her be lowered into the ground… And I still haven’t accepted it.
” He cleared his throat while blinking hard.
“I did what I had to do, Jen. I don’t regret what I did.
I got her justice in a way the law wouldn’t have.
And yet… I think a part of me thought somehow that would make me feel better, like ending his life would somehow get me to accept her murder without suffering through the pain. ”
“I don’t think our suffering will ever end.
Maybe it’ll lessen. Maybe one day we’ll wake up and be able to think of the good times without it feeling like our hearts are being ripped from our chests by that spider monster from Stranger Things.
Maybe one day we’ll think of the hole in our hearts and thoughts of her will be enough to fill it.
” Jenna put a shaky hand on his cheek. “But it won’t be today, and it won’t be tomorrow. ”
Steel used his thumb to wipe the tears from her cheek again.
“You have a right to hate me. I can handle your anger, Jen. I can handle you blaming me for Melanie’s death for the rest of our lives.
What I can’t handle is you telling me to go.
I came back for you, because there’s nowhere else in this world that I belong. ”
“You talk as if you think I’m going to hand you divorce papers.” Her voice lowered slightly as she added, “And I don’t blame you for her death.”
Steel winced. “I would understand if you did on both counts.”
“Baby, you’re stuck with me. I can’t survive this world without you, and I don’t want to.” The absolution in her voice lifted the boulder off his chest. “You’re my ride or die, remember.”
He did, but that also wasn’t what she’d said a minute ago. “You said ‘were’ before.”
Jenna’s eyes flew away from his. “Melanie’s death changes things, Jack. And as much as I tried to ignore what I know you are going to do when I finally go, you can’t anymore.”
They’d never actually discussed this out loud, but it didn’t surprise him that she knew. He’d put his affairs in order the same time they’d reevaluated their Will to include Ollie after her diagnosis. Their assets would be split four ways, giving each of their children an equal share.
Now it would default back down to three.
“Saying you’re my ‘ride or die’ isn’t supposed to be so literal, Jack.
And before…” Her voice cracked, her eyes remaining fixated on Melanie’s gravestone.
“I could delude myself into thinking it was okay because the kids would have each other. Carter has Lucy and Drew and a new baby soon, Jordan has his music and his friends, and Melanie and Ollie had each other plus the club. I need you to swear to me, Jack, regardless of when my end comes, that you won’t follow me.
That you’ll stay for them because they’ll no longer have her.
Or me,” Jenna added, like she’d forgotten she was talking about her own death.
“I need to know that they’ll still have you, no matter what. ”
Steel reached for Jenna’s chin. He tipped her head back to face him, though her eyes were a second slower to meet his. “I won’t promise you that, because I can’t. This world,” he gestured around them, “means nothing without you.”
“But our kids—”
“Are adults,” he interrupted her sternly.
“Ollie’s young, yes, but he’ll be eighteen in a little over a year.
He has the club more than Carter, Jordan, or Melanie did.
Hell, those first few years when we were building the club, some of the guys didn’t even believe we had a daughter because she hid away in her room so much.
It took years for her to have the relationships with her aunts, uncles, and cousins within the club that Ollie cultivated almost immediately.
” Steel paused for a second, trying to get his words correct.
“I love our kids, both living and gone from this world. And I’m not saying that our kids don’t need us.
For the rest of the time that we have on this earth, they’ll get all the love, support, and guidance from us.
And you and me? We’ll fix what I broke when I left you.
We’ll find our new way, because there are no other alternatives for us.
And afterwards?” His chest started to feel heavy again, because even knowing it was coming, the very idea of Jenna’s death was unthinkable to him.
“The last thing you’ll see in this world, Jenna, will be my face, the last words you’ll hear are me telling you how much I love you, and the last thought you’ll have when you pass from this world is the knowledge that I’ll soon be following you. ”
The next several weeks were hard, to say the least. Jenna continued to do her exercises each day, Steel worked on patching up his relationship with Ollie, and together, they worked on finding their new normal.
There were a lot of tears, sleepless nights, some challenging silences, and even more tears.