Here Comes Baby . . .
The incessant ringing of my phone had me punching the air.
I’d just gotten in from a mission with my brothers, and I was tired as a muthafucka.
I’d washed my ass and climbed into bed. I’d only been sleeping for about an hour when the ringing started.
I tried to ignore it, but the calls came back to back.
Tossing the covers off me, I sat up and grabbed the phone to see a call coming from Donna.
Knowing that she was set to give birth to our son at any moment, I quickly swiped the call to answer.
“What’s up, D? You good?”
“Kerrion. It’s Anita.”
Anita was Donna’s mother. When she first learned that we planned our pregnancy, she wasn’t happy about it. She felt like I should have married her daughter before making her a mother. Donna and I both wanted children, but we also knew that we would never make it in a marriage.
We had a great friendship and had great sex, but we wouldn’t have survived being a legit couple.
For one, Donna never wanted to get married.
I was cool with that because I wasn’t looking for that type of commitment at that time.
She was getting older, and so was I. We both wanted children.
I knew I’d do everything in my power to be a good father, and she desperately wanted to be a mother.
Watching my brothers and the relationships they had with their kids made me realize just how bad I wanted that for myself.
That baby fever was a real muthafucka. Now Tavia Jenkins whupped my ass with that infamous dish towel when I told her I was having a baby with no plans to marry their mother, but she was excited to be a grandma.
I mean, she and my stepfather started all the way over, and now I had a ten-month-old little sister.
That was my lil’ baby. My baby would be in school with his damn aunt. The ghetto.
“Hey, Ms. Anita. Everything okay?”
“Donna is on her way to the hospital.”
“Oh shit!” I jumped up from the bed and flipped on the light. Frantically, I started looking for something to wear. “Are you at the hospital? Do I need to come get her? Did you—”
“Calm down. We called the ambulance. I’m on my way to the hospital now. She’s been having contractions all day and refusing to let me take her because she thought it was Braxton Hicks. Silly ass girl. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had that baby in the back of the ambulance.”
I chuckled. “I’m getting dressed. I’ll meet you there.”
“Please drive safe. It’s late.”
“I will. See you soon.”
I hung up and stuffed my legs into my joggers, almost breaking my ass in the process.
Quickly, I pulled on a shirt, socks, and shoes before stuffing my phone and wallet into my pocket and leaving my bedroom.
I’d just gotten to the stairs when I turned back and went down the hall to what would be my son’s room.
Pushing open the door, I flipped on the light and surveyed the space.
KJ already had everything he needed. The moment Donna came to me with a positive test, I went all out making sure my boy had the best of everything.
I did his whole room by myself, and I couldn’t wait to walk in here and see him in his crib.
Walking over to the crib, I grabbed the stuffed elephant my niece Korri had picked out for him.
With a final look, I left the room and sprinted down the stairs, out of the house, and into my car. As I pulled onto the main road, I called my mama. Even as old as I was, I needed her with me at this moment. She answered the phone groggily, probably ready to curse me out.
“Kerrion? Boy, do you know what time it is?”
“Ma, I need you.”
I could hear her moving around in bed. “What’s wrong?”
“Donna went into labor. I’m on my way to the hospital. I need you to come with me.”
“Of course, baby. I’m getting up right now.”
“Bet. I’ll be there in about fifteen minutes.”
We disconnected the call, and I pressed harder on the gas.
I couldn’t believe I was about to be a first-time father.
My nerves were high, but my excitement was higher.
My son, my junior, was about to make his way into the world.
I’d never known what it was like to love someone so much that wasn’t even here yet.
I’d been to every doctor’s appointment with Donna.
I provided a comfortable life for her, so she didn’t have to worry about anything but growing our son her entire pregnancy.
She was hesitant at first because she considered herself an independent woman and didn’t need a man for shit but some good dick.
I fought tooth and nail to get her to at least sit out until our son was a few weeks old, and she finally caved.
Though she wasn’t my woman, she was the mother of my child, and I catered to her.
I cared for her, and part of me loved her, but I wasn’t in love with her, and she wasn’t in love with me.
We knew what this was, and we acted accordingly.
My family was convinced that things would change once she had KJ, and we had to co-parent. I thought it was far-fetched. Some people were better separate than together, and this was one of those times.
As I swung into my mama’s driveway, she came out of the house and sprinted to the car. When she got in, there was a huge smile on her face.
“My grandbaby is almost here!” she said excitedly.
“I know,” I said, backing out of the driveway. “I’m nervous as fu—”
“Watch your mouth.”
“My bad. I’m nervous as hell.”
She shook her head. “I hope you don’t curse like that around my baby.”
“Ma, Pops has never spared us the foul language. You hear how he talks to us now. He’s a parent first and my nigga immediately after.”
“Whatever, Kerrion. You just mind your mouth with my grandson.”
I smirked. “How is his aunt?”
She shot me a glare. I never let her live it down that she had a baby in her forties.
“She’s fine. Up looking in her daddy’s face right now. You ready for that?”
“I’m ready for it all. My lil’ dude is gonna be my best friend.”
She smiled. “I know you’ll be a great father. I hate that you didn’t have a wife first, but I like Donna, and I know she’ll be a great mom too.”
Everybody in the family liked Donna. They knew her as a friend.
I started bringing her around when we had the conversation about having a baby.
I wanted her to get a feel of my family and who our kid would be raised by.
True, we raised hell, but there was nothing but love amongst the Dillinger clan. Our son would be a recipient of that.
Ten minutes later, I pulled into the parking lot of the hospital. My mom and I got out and quickly made our way inside and up to labor and delivery. For some reason, my chest tightened as we neared the floor. It was the strangest feeling, and I didn’t know what it was.
As the doors opened, I clutched the elephant in my hands. The moment we stepped into the waiting room, the tightening in my chest grew. Something was wrong. When my eyes landed on Ms. Anita, my heart dropped into my ass. She was sitting in a chair with her head in her hands, sobbing uncontrollably.
Instinctively, my mother reached for my hand.
“Kerrion . . .” she whispered, choking up.
I squeezed her hand as we slowly made our way over.
“Ms. Anita?” I said, barely above a whisper.
She looked up at me and seemed to cry harder. I took a seat on one side of her, and my mom took the other. I didn’t want to be insensitive, but I had to know what the fuck was going on.
“Did . . . did something happen?” I asked.
She nodded. She was able to pull it together long enough to speak.
“She . . . she had KJ, but . . . she was bleeding more than normal. They couldn’t stop the bleeding. My baby . . . my baby is gone, Kerrion. She’s gone!”
She fell against my mother’s chest, crying hard and loud. I just sat there, her words registering. Donna? Gone? Donna’s gone? Nah, she couldn’t have said that to me. I’d just spoken to her earlier today. She’d made me promise to take her for ice cream after her appointment tomorrow.
She couldn’t be dead . . . She just couldn’t.
I looked down at the elephant in my hands. Was my son okay? Did he have complications too? Was he alive? It seemed so selfish to ask, but I needed to know. I stood and walked over to the nurses’ station, fighting back tears.
“Excuse me,” I said quietly.
The nurse looked up at me and smiled. “How can I help you?”
“My name is Kerrion Dillinger. LaDonna Moore . . . I’m the father of her son.”
The smile slowly dropped from her face. “Mr. Dillinger, I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you. My son? Is he okay? Were there any complications with him?”
She turned to the computer and stopped when another nurse approached the desk.
“Sarah, this is Mr. Dillinger. He’s baby Moore’s father.”
The nurse turned to me with a sympathetic look. “Mr. Dillinger, I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you. Can you tell me what happened to Donna? Her mom’s a mess right now. She said she bled out?”
Nurse Sarah nodded. “LaDonna had what we call a uterine atony. That means the uterus fails to contract properly after delivery, leading to uncontrolled bleeding. The uterus normally contracts to stop bleeding at the site where the placenta was attached, and in this case, it didn’t.”
“What . . . what would cause that?”
“Prolonged labor, certain medications used during labor, or a history of previous postpartum hemorrhage. We’ve determined that prolonged labor was the cause.
Her mother said she’s been having contractions all day.
She delivered your son in the ambulance, but they said her water never broke.
If I had to make an educated guess, I would say maybe it broke when she went to the bathroom at some point, and she didn’t know. ”
I stood there, taking in the information. Fuck! I should have been there. I knew she was due any day now. This mission could have gone on without me. If I’d been there, I would have made her come to the hospital with the very first contraction.
“Can I see my son?”
Nurse Sarah nodded. “Absolutely.” She offered a small smile. “He looks like you, you know.”
She motioned for me to follow her. I looked back at my mother, and she waved me off, knowingly, as she comforted Ms. Anita. With a heavy sigh, I followed the nurse down the hall. I could hear the sounds of crying babies everywhere, and it hit me that Donna was never going to hear our son cry.
She’d never get to love him, hear his first word, see his first step, . . . nothing. Did she get to hold him? Did she get to kiss him or tell him she loved him? Anything?
My thoughts came to a halt as we stopped in front of the nursery window. She didn’t need to point him out to me. I knew my baby the moment I laid eyes on him. He was lying there swaddled and sleeping soundly.
My big boy.
Kerrion Jamel Dillinger Jr. Nine pounds, five ounces. He was easily the biggest baby in the room. Every part of his face mirrored my own.
“He’s beautiful,” Nurse Sarah said.
“Thank you. Can I hold him?”
“Absolutely. Follow me.”
She led me into another room and had me wash my hands and put on a protective gown while she grabbed KJ. Anxiously, I waited to meet my son. I paced the floor for what seemed like forever until the door opened, and she walked in with him. She smiled as she placed him in my arms.
“Say, hi, daddy.”
I gave a tearful smile as I looked down at him.
“Hey, man,” I said, my voice trembling. “That’s daddy’s big boy.”
I kissed his forehead, and he stirred in my arms. His little eyes opened, and he looked around for a moment before dark eyes settled on me. It was brief, but that moment broke something in me. I couldn’t help but to cry as I held him.
Ms. Anita lost a daughter.
My son lost his mother.
I lost a friend, . . . one of my best friends.
In the blink of an eye, life had changed. I looked down at my son in my arms.
“Your mama loved you,” I told him. “She wanted you so bad, and she couldn’t wait to meet you. I’m so sorry you lost her, but Daddy’s got you. I’m gonna raise you to be the man she would have wanted you to be and give you all the love she couldn’t.”
I knew he couldn’t understand, but on everything I loved, I was going to do my best. I owed it to Donna. She gave her life to give me a baby, and I’d spend my life making sure he was good.