Stella #3
‘Makes sense.’ He considers me for a moment. ‘Do you see yourself falling in love with him?’
I think about it, though it’s a question that I’ve tried quite hard to avoid. ‘I don’t think I want to fall in love again,’ I say.
‘Oh, come on—’
‘No,’ I say. ‘I mean, I’d like to be in love again.
But I don’t want to fall into it. I didn’t pick anything with Gavin – it just sort of happened around me.
If I’m going to be with someone again, I want to consciously, sensibly step into it and then let it develop.
And, yeah, I know you think I don’t have strong enough feelings for him, but he’s so decent and so kind, and we have a nice time together.
He takes me seriously, he wants good things for me – there’s so much about him that makes sense.
So if I’m going to have a life with someone again, I think I want it to be with someone like Richard. ’
Dom shrugs. ‘Real shame we didn’t record that, would have been a perfect speech for your wedding.’
I feel pricked by this. ‘I’m not just one person any more, I can’t just pick a hot guy who has great throwdown and makes me laugh, and then hope that he’s going to be a decent stepfather. I’ve got to be smart about this, much smarter than I’ve ever been, and Richard is probably that.’
Dom shrugs. ‘Whatever you say.’
There’s a long silence. ‘What are you doing this week?’ I ask.
‘I’ve got a meeting on Monday with a guy who wants to construct a building with no fire doors, looking forward to that, and then on Tuesday, I’ve got a job interview.’
‘Oh, cool,’ I say. ‘I didn’t think you wanted to move? You like your job.’
‘Yeah,’ he agrees. ‘But I thought I might want a change of scene. Location-wise.’
‘The interview’s not in London?’
‘No. It’s in Dublin.’
‘The interview is for a job in Dublin?’
‘No,’ he says sarcastically. ‘The job’s in Reykjavík so we’re meeting in the middle.’
‘Dublin isn’t in the middle of London and Reykjavík,’ I snap.
‘It was a joke,’ he snaps back.
Right. So he’s going to get a job in Ireland and then move there, and then I’ll see him twice a year for a forced drink for the first few years and then eventually not at all, and we’ll just send each other WhatsApps saying, I miss you, friend!
until one of us dies. I’m so glad that we invested all this time and emotional energy into building this weird friendship for it to completely disappear overnight.
I lied to the man I’m seeing in order to keep in contact with Dom. Not that Dom knows that, and technically he didn’t ask me to, but I lied – and I never lie – because I care about him and he’s my friend, and hanging out with him is important.
‘What’s the job?’ I ask, attempting to sound interested.
‘A bigger firm, in the city centre. They’re trying to build some affordable housing because everything in Dublin is mad expensive. It’s a really good project.’
‘Sounds like it,’ I say, stabbing a piece of pasta. ‘And I guess it’ll be an exciting new start. Do you have any friends there?’
‘Orla, the girl I was seeing back last year. Remember her?’
Obviously I remember Orla – the first time he told me the story about her I went home and went through his Instagram followers. ‘So maybe you’d get back together with her.’
He shrugs. ‘I mean, I couldn’t make it work before, so probably not this time.’
‘Doesn’t seem to stop you though, does it?”
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘I mean, you keep dating, even though you know you can’t actually give anyone what they actually want. Orla, Florrie—’
‘Hang on, I broke up with Florrie because she wanted me to never see you again—’
‘That’s pretty convenient though, isn’t it? You’re probably never going to see me again anyway if you’re moving to Dublin, you just used me as an excuse so that you didn’t have to do your own dirty work and break up with her like a grown-up.’
Dom looks at me like I’ve slapped him. ‘Right,’ he says. Then he gets up. ‘Look, we said we’d keep this evening brief, we’re both tired—’
‘No, I’m tired, I get four hours sleep a night and work full time from an office – you can do whatever you want literally all the time, you’re not tired—’
‘You know other people can experience things, not just you, Stella? You know you don’t actually have the monopoly on being unhappy? Yes, your husband left you and that was shit, but it was also a long time ago and a lot of bad things have happened to other people in that time.’
‘I am fully fucking aware—’
‘Tell me one? Tell me one thing that’s happened to your mum, or your sister, or any of your uni friends?’
Obviously I know the answer to this but I’m strangled with how angry I am and I can’t force any words out. So instead I say, ‘Fuck you, Dom. You just don’t like that I told you a hard truth about the immature way you live your life—’
Rose cries, I hear over the baby monitor and from the top of the stairs. I head for the bedroom.
‘I’m leaving,’ Dom says simply. ‘Bye, Stella.’
‘Good!’ I shout back, marching up the stairs two at a time. ‘Great!’
When I come back down from settling Rose, good as his word, he’s gone.