Chapter 7
Despite the persistent bursts of noise from next door, I’ve never felt so alone.
I thought he’d come for me—a stupid notion.
It didn’t make sense, any of it. I should be more mortified by my actions.
I mean, he’s my stepbrother, but there’s no room in my mind for anything but questions.
Why did he kick me out so urgently? And most of all, what did I witness him change into?
The more I replay the memory, the less I can blame it on the trick of the light or a lapse in cognition.
There was something different about Derek—something that terrified him once he thought I caught it.
Growing up, there was always a part of him that felt hidden from me.
My parents kept him away, treated him like he was dangerous.
I always thought it was because of his violent nature, the part of him that seemed to focus on his hatred, especially when it came to me.
But after yesterday, I can’t help but wonder if there’s something else about Derek—something almost supernatural.
It’s a crazy idea. Probably brought on by the damn lilac-purple walls or just the complete isolation in general.
Another burst of groans breaks out from the room next door.
He’s in pain. I probably didn’t make things any better, even though I helped him change his bandages.
I’m tempted to see if he’s okay and offer my assistance again, but I’m too embarrassed, confused, and scared to do anything but play back the memories in the safety of my room.
With night, everything grows noisier in my head.
I try to sleep, try to wash out my questions, but every noise from Derek next door sends my thoughts into a flutter, making sleep impossible to grasp.
I finally abandon my attempts and throw myself out of my room.
Perhaps if I stuff my face, I’ll have an easier time catching slumber.
I flip the switch on in the kitchen, and the silence greets me like a familiar friend.
Despite the cosmetic changes, everything feels nostalgic.
I have many memories alone in my kitchen.
It’s not new for my parents to be away on business trips.
For most of my life, they traveled to various parenting conferences and conventions to give talks and make appearances.
I learned how to live on my own early on, and right now I’m reminded of what it felt like all those years before.
Thankfully, my mom stocked the fridge before she left, so I search for the perfect midnight snack.
Despite the array of organic options, there’s only one thing I’m craving.
I pour myself a glass of milk, move to the cabinet, and pull out a whole tub of peanut butter.
The first scoop into my mouth instantly fills me with a forgotten bliss, and I chase the nutty taste with a chug of cold milk.
I’m only two bites in when someone steps from the last step into the kitchen. I tense, feeling caught.
“Oh, sorry. I didn’t know you were up.” He’s shirtless, tense—so vulnerable and unlike his usual callous demeanor.
“It’s fine,” I say, covering my full mouth.
He smiles sheepishly and rubs the back of his neck, not moving from his spot.
“Want some?” I offer, unsure what else to say. If I have to stare at him for another second, all disheveled and watching me, I don’t think I’ll make it to another breath.
His eyes widen. I’m as surprised by my words as he is. These mere moments of civility are not the norm for us, but things are obviously different now, and he seems so disarmed that I can’t help but offer him kindness, as much as he doesn’t deserve it.
He doesn’t answer, but slides into the stool next to me. I pass him the container, and he reaches for my spoon. I’m about to tell him to get his own, but after everything, sharing saliva is the least of our worries.
“Still your midnight snack of choice?” he asks after swallowing a large bite. A remnant of peanut butter sticks to the corner of his lip.
“You remember me eating peanut butter?”
He laughs. “Yeah, it always pissed me off when I’d go to make lunch in the morning and find empty containers.”
“Okay, I never ate that much.”
“At the beginning of the month, you sure did.”
“Beginning of the month?”
He focuses on scraping out another spoonful. “Yeah, I assumed during your time of the month.”
“You tracked my periods?” I can’t help the spurt of laughter that erupts from me. It’s just so ridiculous.
His cheeks heat, a hue I don’t think I’ve witnessed before, and I’m oddly hypnotized by it. “No, it was just something I guessed.”
“Weird, bro.”
His expression shifts. “I’m not your bro.”
I feel shitty. He was just trying to have a lighthearted conversation, and I made it uncomfortable. A thick silence follows, and I’m tempted to run back up to my room and lock the door, but Derek clears his throat and passes the jar of peanut butter to me. “I want to apologize for last night.”
“Which part?” I lick off a spoonful.
“All of it.”
“Right.”
We hold each other’s stare, the space gooey between us. He parts his lips. “But mostly the end.”
I nod, something heavy in my throat. “Right. Well, let’s just pretend it didn’t happen. All of it.”
He nods, and the stillness of the house sounds around us. He stands and heads toward the fridge, opening it and taking out a beer. “Want one?”
I shrug. “Sure.”
He grabs another, holding them both in one hand as he opens a drawer and pulls out the bottle opener. “I thought you didn’t like beer.”
“When I was seventeen, it wasn’t my favorite.”
“Now?” He opens them, sliding one over to me.
I take a long sip and shrug. “They’re okay. Lewis hated them, so I didn’t drink them often, but sometimes on a hot day in the city, I craved the simplicity.”
“He’s an idiot.”
“Plenty of people don’t like the taste of beer.”
“No, not because of that.”
“You never met the guy.”
He shrugs and takes a long sip of his drink, his Adam’s apple hypnotizing me. “I still know he’s an idiot.”
“He is actually annoyingly smart.”
“You can be smart on paper and still an idiot.”
“I guess so.”
“I know so.” He winks at me, and my whole body lights. I chug down half the bottle, the alcohol quickly taking hold of my bloodstream.
Derek shrugs. “Besides, idiots were always your type.”
“They were not!”
“Oh, please! You liked them dumb and hot.”
“I did not!”
“One hundred percent, yes, you did.”
“Okay, what about you?”
“Ouch. I may be hot, but I’m no idiot.”
I spurt into laughter, spitting out beer as I climb onto the counter and make myself comfortable, pulling my knees to my chest. “No, I mean you loved them dumb!”
“Yeah, I never pretend I didn’t.”
“Why is it okay for you and not for me?”
He joins me on the counter, crawling closer until our knees touch. “Because I admit it, and I never shacked up with any of them and pretended it could last.” He taps the neck of his beer against mine and takes another long sip.
“What about Chrishell?” I smile as I take a sip.
“What about her?”
“Did you like her because she was dumb?”
“Do you think your best friend is dumb?”
“She’s not my best friend anymore.”
“Did you think she was dumb when she was your best friend?”
I look above me, unraveling the invisible memories of our friendship. “I mean, I was smarter than her.”
Derek laughs. “You’re such a cocky bitch.”
“Hey, I am not a bitch!”
He scoffs. “Yes, you are. That’s like your whole thing.”
“I don’t have a whole thing.”
“Yes, you do. Everyone knows it too. You’ve always had this aloof, I know I’m hot, and no one can touch me, thing about you.”
My cheeks heat. “That’s not true.”
“Believe me, I never heard the end of it.”
“People said that about me to you?”
He scoffs. “Yeah, all the fucking time.”
“What would you say?”
“Nothing.”
“Oh.”
“I’d just choke them out.”
I laugh. “No, you wouldn’t.”
“Isabella, you know I would.” He smiles, revealing his straight pearly whites. It surprises me that after all his years of causing trouble, he’s been able to keep them intact.
I return my attention to the almost empty container of peanut butter. Damn, maybe I do eat a lot of this stuff. I push it back to him, hopeful he’ll save me from the remainder. “So was that why you hooked up with Chrishell then? Because she was hot and dumb?”
He laughs. “No.”
“Why then?”
His buzzed gaze focuses on me. “Isn’t it obvious?”
“Not really.”
“I wanted to get to you.”
I tsk. “Why do you hate me so much?”
He shakes his head. “Not because I hated you. I wanted to see if you’d get jealous.”
“Why?”
“I was and am eager for any attention you’ll give me, even if it’s negative.
” How did his lips get so close to mine?
The empty beer bottle in my hand serves as a reminder of why the room feels so light, why I can’t seem to remember the reason for ever fighting the attraction to him.
I’m ready to crash against his lips, to let his fire consume me, but then he smiles and moves back a hair, enough for me to notice the distance he’s attempting to make between us.
It angers me somewhat, but it’s obviously for the best.
“Want another one?” he asks, pointing to my empty bottle.
“No, I’m already feeling it too much. If I’m not careful, I’ll start hallucinating again.”
His eyes grow wide. “What do you mean again?”
I shake my head with a smile. “It’s so stupid. Last night, I imagined you as something else. I don’t know why.”
He leans forward. “Something else?”
“It must have been the lighting, but I thought I saw you change into like an animal.” I laugh, but when I search his expression, I don’t catch any returned humor. “I’m not trying to be mean. I don’t mean you looked ugly. I thought I saw an actual animal with fangs and fur.”
He’s silent, his face devoid of expression.
“But that would be crazy, so obviously I lost oxygen to my brain or something.”
He says nothing.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“I think it’s time you know.”
“Know what?”