Chapter 8 Lily
LILY
The washer around my neck clinks against the table.
Such a small sound, but potentially world-ending.
Mom’s eyes lock on to the metal pendant, and I freeze. “What is that?” she asks, reaching out, taking it into her hand. “Is that—is this Colt’s?”
My hand flies to cover it. Too late. A blush burns across my cheeks, and the silence stretches between us like a knife. Her voice is quiet, controlled.
Busted.
I can’t speak. Can’t find my voice. Even if I could, I can’t lie to her. I’ve never been able to lie to my mom. But I also can’t betray him.
“Lily,” she snips, sharper now. “Is that Colt’s?”
My breath catches as I try to turn away, but all that does is put my guilt on full display.
“Oh my God,” Mom breathes. Then, “Colt! Get in here now!”
It takes a second, but he appears in the kitchen doorway, stained with grease, a rag in his hand, and my body responds like it always does. My heartbeat lurches as his eyes find mine. Then he sees the washer in Mom’s fingers, and his jaw tightens.
“What is going on?” she asks, her voice trembling with anger. “One of you better start talking.”
“Mom—” I start to say, but Colt cuts me off.
“Oh, that? That’s nothing. She just borrowed it. I’ll take it back now.”
“My daughter borrowed this?” Mom laughs. “My daughter who has never touched anything mechanical in her life?”
Colt nods, somehow maintaining his cool. “She liked the way it looked.”
“Stop.” The word tears from my throat. Colt’s eyes narrow. “Don’t lie for me.”
“Lily,” he hisses, a warning in his tone.
“Mom,” I say, turning to face her. My heart is pounding as I grab the fabric of my shirt. “I love him.”
Mom’s eyes go wide, and her face drains of color. She glances at Colt, then back at me, like she’s waiting for one of us to tell her the punchline. But it doesn’t come. “You what?”
“I love him,” I repeat, stronger this time. “And he loves me. And not in the family kind of way.”
Mom’s jaw drops, and at just that instant, Jim decides to walk in. He reads the room instantly and asks, “What’s going on?”
Mom’s voice cracks. “Your son and my daughter are—”
Jim’s a smart guy, but he doesn’t get it. His eyes move from Colt to me then over to my mom. “Are what?”
Panic seems to take over my mom as she shrugs and flails her arms wildly about, pointing at the two of us like we’re a couple of criminals. “Together!”
Jim scoffs. “No. Come on, what?” His denial is obvious and immediate, but then he sees Colt’s washer dangling from my neck. He glances over at Colt and sees the truth written all across his face. “No. No way. Absolutely not.”
“Dad—” Colt starts.
“You were supposed to look after her! Protect her!” Jim shouts, slamming his palm on the counter. “Not—Jesus, she’s eighteen, and you’re her stepbrother!”
“You think you know what’s best for me!?” I protest, my voice shaking as I step forward. “We’re not related. We didn’t grow up together. You two aren’t even married yet—”
“Oh, be quiet, Lily!” my mom snaps. “Are you nuts?”
“Mom, he’s…” My voice trails off as I stare across the room at Colt, remembering how safe I feel in his arms, how wanted.
“He’s what?”
Somehow, I manage to smile at him—the man of my dreams. “He’s everything.”
Colt starts to smile but then remembers the situation and steps forward, positioning himself between me and our parents. “It’s my fault, Dad. You’re right. I’m the older one. I should have—”
“You’re goddamn right you should have.” Jim’s voice is ice. “You should have stayed away from her!”
“I tried…”
“Yeah? Well, not hard enough.”
“You’re right.” Colt’s agreement hurts worse than any of our parents’ accusations. He turns to me, his eyes raked with sorrow. “I’ll go. Tonight.”
“No!” I grab his arm in desperation. “Colt, don’t do this! Don’t let them—”
He reaches a hand up and gently cups my face. I should be embarrassed, him doing this in front of our parents, but right now I couldn’t care less. All I am worried about is him. “Maybe they’re right,” he whispers. “You deserve better than a life of sneaking around. Better than—”
“Better than you?” I pull away from him, a painful pressure crushing down on my chest. “There’s no one better than you!”
“You’re too young to understand, Lily,” my mom says. Tears pool in my eyes as I whirl at her.
“I understand perfectly!” I face them both, ready to take on the world. “I understand that love doesn’t follow the rules, or care about timing or convenience or what is or is not appropriate.”
“This isn’t love, Lily,” Jim says, shaking his head. “It’s just—”
“What? Lust? Silly teen infatuation?” I laugh, but it’s bitter. My blood burns like poison. “Why? Because you can’t believe that I’m old enough to understand my own emotions? I’m just some young, stupid girl?”
Jim doesn’t answer, but his expression says it all. He does think all those things; he just won’t say it.
“How long has this been going on?” Mom asks, cutting through everything.
“Who cares?” I ask. “Does it matter?”
“How long?” she repeats. Her tone is almost terrifying. I’ve never heard her this intense in my life.
Colt answers for me. “Since the first time I saw her.”
Jim groans like he’s been hit in the guts. “Christ. The whole summer then? You two have been lying to us this entire time?”
“We didn’t mean to—” I start to say, but Mom cuts me right off.
“Pack your things, Colt. You’re leaving. Tonight.”
“Mom, stop!”
“Tonight!”
Colt nods. Just once. Like a soldier being sent off to war. “I understand. I’ll go.”
“Colt, no!” I’m begging now as I throw myself at him. “Fight for us. You have to!”
He pulls me close but still somehow keeps his distance. It isn’t how he normally holds me. The intimacy just isn’t there, and I’m ready to cry. “I’d fight the world for you, baby. But not them. Not your own mother.”
“She’s wrong. You know she is.”
“Maybe,” he agrees, using his thumb to wipe away a tear I didn’t even realize had fallen.
He walks upstairs, and I follow, trailing behind him like a sad puppy. I watch as he throws clothes into his duffel, every movement practiced and efficient. It’s like he’s been preparing to leave since this all began.
“You promised.” My voice breaks. My legs feel ready to collapse. “You promised you wouldn’t leave me.”
He stops for a moment, his eyes on the floor. “I promised to protect you. And this—”
“I don’t need protection. I need you.”
He brings his eyes to mine and looks at me hard, and for the briefest of moments, I am sure I see surrender in his gaze. But then he pulls away, just like he’s done so many times before. And my heart cracks.
He kisses me on the forehead, but it’s hard, desperate. It lacks the love I’ve felt in all his other kisses.
“I love you.” His voice is low, almost ashamed. “Just remember that.”
And before I can respond, he’s gone. Down the stairs and out the door. His truck roars to life, and I race down after him. The gravel chews into my bare feet as I wave my arms wildly. “Colt! Colt, no! Please!”
But all I can do is watch as his taillights disappear into the trees.
My knees hit the ground, and sharp rocks dig into my skin. I barely even feel them. All I know is there’s a huge hole in my chest, left there by him.
Mom comes out of the house and wraps a blanket around my shoulders. I want to shove her off me, but I’m too depressed to even move. “You’ll understand one day, sweetie. You’re just too young right now—”
Her words set me off, and I jerk away. “I understand,” I snap, lashing out. “You think love only counts when it’s convenient. When it fits into society’s little neat boxes.”
“That’s not it, Lily.”
“You got your perfect second chance with Jim. I don’t even get a first chance with Colt?”
She doesn’t answer. Of course she doesn’t. She doesn’t care about me. She only cares about how things look.
Tossing her blanket off, I race down to the dock, to the place where he almost kissed me. Where he held me like I was everything in the world to him. This is where it all started.
And now it’s all ending…
The water stretches out in front of me, reflecting the world in its surface. Wind whips my hair, carrying the scent of rain. Of catastrophe.
“You promised,” I whisper to Colt, as if he were here. “You said you’d never leave.”
Of course he doesn’t answer. I’m talking to myself. Sitting in silence, picturing the rest of my life without him.
I lie down on the wood and hold his washer up to my face. My treasure. The only thing I have linking us together. Part of me wants to give in to my rage and hurl it into the lake, but the other part—the part that desperately loves him—knows I can’t. Colt’s washer will stay with me forever.
Mom comes out and finds me hours later and tries to coax me back inside. I don’t move. I can’t. Moving from this place on the dock means acknowledging Colt is gone for good.
“He’ll come back,” I whimper to myself. Mom hears and doesn’t argue, but she doesn’t agree. She sits down beside me as the sun goes down, the light of dusk burning like angry fire in the water’s waves.
I don’t know what he’s thinking. Why would he leave? Why wouldn’t he stay and fight for me? Am I not good enough? Does he not love me?
I wish I’d never met Colt. I wish I’d never given in to him—given myself to him. Then my heart would be intact. Then these tears would not be pouring down my cheeks.