Chapter 9 - Joan
JOAN
My knees are knocking, and my limbs are trembling as I gasp for breath. I’m outside, yet somehow it feels like I need more air.
“I can’t—I can’t breathe!” I stammer, stumbling over the patio furniture as I reach for something to steady me.
My foot catches on a fallen chair, and I start to fall, but Amon catches me, his strong hands gripping my waist like supports that go straight into my center.
“Why…why didn’t she say anything?” I mutter. “Why didn’t she do anything?”
Momma saw Amon with his arm around me—with me pulled up tight against him. And all she did was walk away.
That’s never been her style. She’s always shouted at me, scolded me, never been afraid to tell me how things are gonna be. The fact that she didn’t this time has me panicked.
“It’s okay, baby,” Amon says, his voice so strong and so unmoving. “Just breathe. Breathe.”
He sets me down on the grass as I hyperventilate. I look up at him, searching his eyes for the strength I need. And I find it. But there’s something else there too that I’ve never seen from him.
Fear.
No, maybe not fear. But he’s worried. He knows this is bad, but he’s putting on a good face for me.
“I won’t let her send you back,” he says. “Now just breathe.”
He leans in close, his lips just below my ear, and takes deep, strong breaths. I close my eyes and follow, matching his rhythm.
My hands grip the grass, searching for some kind of control, but it feels like the world is closing in around me.
“What were we thinking?” I mutter. “How could we be so stupid?”
I hear Amon’s breath shift and feel his hand roughly grip my chin. My eyes open as he forces my face to his.
“Don’t you dare say that,” he growls. “We belong together. You know that.”
“No.” I shake my head. “I can’t…we can’t…”
I leap to my feet, but my legs give out, and I tumble forward, knocking the wind from my chest. Gasping, I feel Amon’s hands on me, but I jerk away and race back into the house.
Taking the stairs two at a time, I sprint to my room and lock the door behind me. Gasping for breath, I lean against the wall, only to be shocked by a voice behind me.
“Desire is conceived, and it gives birth to sin.” I whirl to see Momma sitting on my bed, staring at me with cold eyes. “And sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.”
“Jesus, Momma—”
“Don’t take the Lord’s name in vein,” she snaps.
I’m about to collapse. My heart is surely about to explode, and my chest is burning. I snatch my water bottle and gulp all eight ounces in one go.
“He’s a predator, Joan.”
A tickling sensation pricks at my neck, like the legs of a poisonous spider. I shake my head, fighting back tears.
“You don’t know him.”
“A corrupting force,” she continues, her voice stern. “A test from God.”
“Stop it!” I snap, collapsing to my knees. I can’t hold back any longer. I start sobbing, desperate for some kind of safety. Some kind of grace.
“He’s your step-brother, Joan! I raised you better than this,” she goes on, her words boring holes into me like a hot poker. “This isn’t who you are.”
“What do you know about who I am!?” I gnash back, baring my teeth at her.
I’m scorching now. My guts are twisted up inside. If only Momma knew the things I’ve thought, the things I’ve wished, the things I’ve done.
She’d disown me. Maybe she already plans to.
With a heavy sigh, she gets to her feet and places a hand on my head. She’s praying for me, which only makes me want to lash out more.
I want to tell her that this is who I am. That I don’t need saving.
But even as I find the words, my lips will not speak them.
“I know you hate me right now,” Momma says. “But I’m only trying to save you.”
The air in the room feels heavy, like black thunder clouds crushing down on me. The sound of the doorknob turning causes my body to jump, but I can’t even look up as she exits the room. I’m too ashamed.
Once I’m sure she’s gone, I crawl into the bathroom and start to undress. Maybe a bath now would help me calm down. I start the water and close my eyes.
I tried to pray before and failed. But the stakes are higher now, so I try again.
“Oh God, please give me the strength to…to overcome…”
Yet again, my voice falters as thoughts and images of Amon fill my mind. With my eyes closed, I can feel his touch. I can hear his voice.
And that’s not all…
Memories of my recent sins flood through me. The saddle, the way it hummed beneath me…
…Amon calling me a good girl…
…me calling him Daddy…
I reach for my cross and realize I’m not wearing it. Somehow, I must have forgotten to put it on when I came downstairs.
The realization hits me hard; this isn’t just something I can unfeel. Try as I might, I’ll never be able to go back to the girl I was before Amon.
No. I always was that girl. It just took Amon’s instruction for me to fully realize it.
“You’re a sinner.” Those were his first words to me. He saw exactly who I am, and he encouraged it. No—he awakened me.
The sound of raised voices jolts me out of my thoughts, and I quickly race to the door, cracking it open.
Mom is shouting at Amon like she wants to kill him.
This is all my fault. If only I’d been more careful. If I hadn’t let Momma boss me around, Amon wouldn’t be taking the heat for me right now. I have to do something.
With my heart still thrashing against my ribs, I make my way downstairs, focusing on keeping my breaths slow and deep.
“You are sick!” Mom is shouting. “You think because you’re older and have money you can corrupt my daughter?!”
“Can we take it easy, please?” I hear John ask. “Let’s all just calm down—”
“No, John, I won’t calm down. This is an abuse of power. He’s ten years older than her, for God’s sake! Are you okay with this?”
I stop at the top of the stairs and look down. Momma is going crazy, storming around the marble floor, waving her hands in the air, while Amon leans against the wall and John stands facing her with his arms crossed.
“No, Alicia, I am not okay with this,” John replies. “But can we take it down a little?”
“Take it down? Who knows what else these two have been up to while we’ve been away!”
“They’re going to stop,” John says, turning to Amon. “Aren’t they?”
It’s then that Amon notices me and smiles. His eyes carry such strength, such warmth.
“Joan’s not going anywhere,” he says, directly to Momma. Even from where I’m standing, I can see her jaw drop and her face tighten.
“What did you just say?”
“You don’t get to decide who she is anymore,” he replies. He looks up at me again, and this time, Momma follows his eyes. She whirls, and when she sees me, her face turns to stone.
“Either she leaves tonight,” she says slowly, addressing the men while staring me down. “Or I’ll expose you both.”
John steps in. “Whoa, we don’t need to take it that far—”
“Everyone you know, John,” she snaps. “I’ll tell them all that your son seduced my daughter! How do you think that will be for your business?”
Things are seriously out of hand. Momma’s about to put all this on John and Amon and send me back to the convent. I know Amon will do whatever it takes to stop that from happening, but I can’t sit back and do nothing. Not anymore.
“No you won’t.” The words spill defiantly from my mouth. My heart is still pounding as I look down at Momma, but I’m no longer panicked. Amon’s eyes meet mine, and I see the love there. The promise.
“I won’t?” she replies with a snort. Summoning all my courage, I descend the stairs. Don’t be afraid. You can do this.
I walk right past Momma, who looks like she’s about to explode, and over to Amon. With all the purpose in the world, I slide under his arm, a wave of comfort capturing me instantly.
“I’m staying with Amon, Momma. We didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t do anything wrong.”
Amon squeezes me, and my chest fills, like my heart is growing, fueled by the bond between us.
Momma stares at me. She must think I’ve lost my mind. This is the first time I’ve ever truly stood up to her. Mouth agape, she looks over at John, who merely shakes his head.
“We can’t support this,” he says.
“That’s fine,” Amon replies. “I can support us just fine.”
“John, you have to do something—”
“Come on, angel,” Amon whispers. “Let’s get out of here.”
He pulls me toward the door, but I hold back. “My things?”
He smiles and shakes his head. “Did you forget that I’m rich? I’ll buy you new everything. Now come on.”
Looking back, I see Momma storm off into the back of the house. John watches us as we leave, then strides off after her.
As Amon takes me out to his car, I clutch my cross, feeling its new meaning.
I used to feel shame when I held it, believing I wasn’t good enough. That I was a sinner.
Now it feels like a symbol of hope.
There’s nothing wrong with me. God isn’t up there looking down on me. He gave me the strength to make my own choice. To finally stand up for myself.
I slide into the passenger seat, and Amon places his hand on my leg.
“We’ll be all right…right?” I ask him.
He smiles and kisses me with a new kind of intent. That of a husband. A forever partner.
“Of course, my little nun. Of course.”