Chapter 29
Jude was never so glad as when Foster pulled the SUV into the driveway and shut off the engine. He was ready to relax.
In Foster’s arms.
And maybe get some ice for his aching hand.
Foster turned to eye Jude. “We could just go on up and have pie for breakfast, you know?”
Jude chuckled. “We told your mom we’d come back. Plus, I’m sure she wants to know how the delivery went.”
“We’re not telling her about Rick, right?”
“Nooo,” Jude said, though he felt so good that he wanted to scream it to the whole town. Rick was a fucking coward who had run from him in fear. The entire script had been flipped. All the panic that had risen faded the second that asshole had shown them who he really was.
He sensed the dread wouldn’t return the next time he faced Rick. At least, he hoped so.
“We’re telling everyone else, though, right?” Foster asked. “I don’t normally spread gossip, but this needs to be spread.”
“I suspect our firefighter friends will ensure that happens,” Jude said, grinning. “Hopefully they get the story straight and don’t make me out to be a cow-killing lunatic.”
Foster grinned.
“Speaking of gossip, I’ve got some of my own to share,” Jude said. It was time to come clean to Foster.
“Oh?”
“After we had that little talk about me being stuck in the past, I started seeing someone. A professional. You were right. And I’m working on it.”
“I’m glad to hear it.” Foster smiled.
“I asked you for space, and I wanted you to know that wasn’t bullshit. I’m trying to move forward and not back.”
“What kind of future do you want for yourself?”
“One with you in it,” Jude whispered.
“I want that, too.”
Foster leaned closer, but Jude pressed a hand to his chest to stop him.
“There’s more I gotta say first. Some things you need to know.”
“Okay.”
Jude stared down at his lap. He’d been rubbing his wrist without realizing it.
Releasing his hold, he rubbed both palms along his thighs.
“The doc—she thinks I have something called Avoidant Attachment Disorder. She just sprung this on me recently, so I’m still learning what it means, but basically…
I avoid romantic relationships because I don’t trust people and I’ll do my best to sabotage things if they get too intimate.
Not sexually intimate, but emotionally intimate. ”
“I’m aware.”
“How could you know that?”
“I didn’t have a technical name for it, but I saw what you were doing. Every time we moved a little closer, you panicked and pushed me away.”
Jude met Foster’s gaze.
“I’ve been unkind and distant with you—and I’m sorry,” Jude said. “That’s not a great way to start something.”
“You went through hell, Jude. You had to work through that resentment, or we’d never have made it this far.”
“But you have to know there’s a risk I may do it again—or worse—before things get better.
If they get better at all.” He scoffed. “I know I’m probably going to fuck things up more than once along the way.
If you don’t want to deal with that, I understand.
It might be safer for you to just walk away now. ”
“Already trying to send me packing, hmm?”
Jude sighed. “I don’t know. Maybe.” He faced Foster. “You just got free of a bad relationship, and I don’t want you stuck in another one with me.”
“I’ll take my chances.”
Jude searched Foster’s face. “Why? You could go find someone who’s not fucked up and be happier.”
“We’re all a little fucked up.” Foster smiled. “I happen to like spending time with you.”
“Even when I’m mean to you?”
“As I said, we’re all a little fucked up. I happen to like it when you’re bossy and mean. It turns me on.”
Jude chuckled. “I’ve noticed.” His smile faded. “But I don’t want to end up crossing a line and pushing you away, either.”
“If that happens, I’ll tell you and we can work on it together.”
Jude nodded. “Relationships aren’t supposed to be so hard, you know. I understand if it becomes too much work and you need to walk away.”
“Lust and attraction? Those are easy. An actual adult relationship—one that lasts—takes work. I took the easy route with Ash. I let her drag me around by my short and curlies because I didn’t want to have to face the fact that I might not be straight.
The easy route brought me nothing but pain.
” Foster searched his face. “I felt happier with you over the last few months than I ever did with her in years.”
Jude smiled.
“But, there’s something you need to know about me.”
Jude eyed Foster. “What’s that?”
“Cary called me a serial monogamist and upon further reflection, I think he might be right. I’m not a sex party kind of guy. I don’t fuck around. I like the idea of being with someone. One someone. In a relationship. The very things you avoid.”
“Then why do you have Grindr?”
Foster smiled, a bit wickedly. “Do I?”
“I saw you on there,” Jude replied. “Why do you have that if you don’t fuck around?”
“Anton told me to get one.”
Jude frowned. “What?”
“He came to find me a couple of weeks ago at McMurphy’s and called me outside to chat.”
“About?”
“You, of course,” Foster said. “He was worried about us being together. Shockingly, he doesn’t trust me, either. I’ve got to prove my loyalty to both of you, it seems.”
“He was out of line.”
“No, I’m glad we chatted. He’s a good friend, Jude. One I’m happy you have in your corner.”
“What else did you talk about?”
“This and that,” Foster murmured.
Jude narrowed his eyes. “This and that?”
“He told me not to let you push me away. I told him I’d already promised you space and I was going to respect that promise.
So, I had to find creative means to remind you I was still around, impatiently waiting.
The Grindr profile was Anton’s idea. He said it would drive you nuts to see my face on there. Did it?”
“It did,” Jude muttered. “Did you… meet up with anyone there?”
“I did… not.” Foster smiled. “I only set it up for you. Serial monogamist, remember?”
“Yeah, yeah.”
Foster leaned closer. “A monogamist is only as good as his partner, though. Are you ready to give a relationship a try?”
Jude hedged. “I’ve never had one.”
“Never?”
Jude shook his head.
“You dated Mia in high school, right?”
“That was different.”
“How so?”
“Even though I called her my girlfriend, I think somewhere deep in my mind I knew I was gay, and she was cover. There was no romance there, at least not from me. I faked it. I did all the things I thought a boyfriend was supposed to do.”
“Do that again,” Foster said. “Do all the things you think a boyfriend is supposed to do. And maybe it’ll feel different this time when it’s with someone you’re actually attracted to.”
“I suppose I can try that,” Jude said.
“I’m willing to put in the work if you are.”
Jude fought a smile. “I am.”
Foster leaned closer and pressed his lips to Jude’s.
Jude rested his forehead on Foster’s. “Just because I’ve avoided relationships doesn’t mean I haven’t wanted one.
I want connection and intimacy. Particularly with you.
” He bit his lip, hating that he needed to add a caveat.
“But I have this voice in my head telling me it’s all bullshit and I’m going to be hurt—and I better hurt you before you hurt me.
” He paused a second, emotion overwhelming.
“I don’t want to hurt you, Foster. I don’t want to keep making excuses why we shouldn’t be together and then listening to my bullshit. ”
“Then let’s think of some excuses why we should be together,” Foster said.
“Like?”
“We’re very attracted to one another,” Foster whispered.
“Yes, but a relationship can’t be built on attraction alone.”
“No, it can’t, but it sure as shit helps,” Foster said. “Let’s see… what else? I’m a submissive top and you’re a dominant bottom.”
Jude leaned back, eyeing Foster. “I think that still falls under attraction, no?”
“It shows we fit together well.” Foster grinned. “We’re two pieces of a puzzle that click. Not only that, but we enjoy spending time together, even though you lied and said you didn’t.”
“We spent our time fucking. I liked that very much.”
“It was more than that and you know it,” Foster said. “We ate together. We talked about our day over those meals. We cuddled on your couch, binge-watching the most romantic murder docs we could find before going to bed.”
Jude laughed.
“You slept in my arms after.” Foster caressed the side of Jude’s cheek. “I liked waking up with you beside me.”
“I liked waking up beside you, too.”
“I’d say all that’s enough of a start, hmm? We can add more over time.”
“Maybe.”
“Maybe?” Foster asked, frowning while fighting a smile. “I didn’t even mention the mind-blowing sex. Add that in and we’re golden.” He pressed his lips against Jude, stealing a brief kiss. “Oh, one last thing I forgot. Chemistry. We have it.”
Jude stole a kiss of his own. “Do we?”
“In spades…” Foster snuck another kiss. “That’s something you can’t manufacture. It’s either there… or it’s not.” He stole one more kiss. “It’s here… between us. Loads of it.”
“We’ve had that all along. It’s what led to that first kiss,” Jude said.
Foster nodded. “Yep.” He chuckled. “I had the biggest crush on you.”
“You did not.”
“I did. You used to wear those damned skinny jeans, and I couldn’t stop looking at your ass. I was terrified someone would catch me staring and tell the world I liked boys.”
Jude couldn’t believe that. “I had a crush on you. I hated that, of course, and I tried to fight it, but I’d see you and my teenaged heart would go all aflutter.”
Foster grinned. “Should we add mutual pining to our list?”
“I suppose it can’t hurt.”
“We’ve been given a second chance to make this work,” Foster said.
“I’d say we’re on number three at this point.”
Foster grinned. “We had five minutes the first time around, so you can barely call that number one… and during my repayment plan, we weren’t officially a thing, according to you. If we want to get technical, this will be our first real attempt.”
“Just wipe away all those silly mistakes and start fresh.”