Chapter 26 #2
He clears his throat and sits across from me.
“I’ll start.” He folds one leg up on the bed, leaving the other on the floor.
“The way things ended between us was horrible. When Dad got the call about Juilliard accepting me at the last minute, everything blurred into a whirlwind of chaos. You and Suzette were gone, and I had so much to do in less than twenty-four hours. Making sure I had all my instruments, a place to live, clothes.” He holds my gaze.
“I’ll be the first to admit that in that moment, you weren’t at the front of my mind.
All my goals and plans were right there within reach. My emotions were all over the place.”
Tears sting my eyes hearing him say I wasn’t on his mind. I don’t hold it against him, honestly. Juilliard was his dream. A dream bigger than any I’d ever had. So I get it, but still it hurts.
“I broke down in Dad’s arms after the call. He told me,” he pauses to clear his thickened voice. “He told me that Mom would have been proud of me. I don’t know why it hit so hard, but I started crying like a little boy again.”
A tear slips out of my eye when his begin glistening with tears of his own. I reach over and put my hand over his. “Of course you felt overwhelmed. You just found out your dreams were coming true, and music is what connects you to her memory.”
He nods. “I know that now. Back then, not so much. I was an asshole just leaving like that. I thought I’d be able to call you when you got home and explain everything.”
I pull my hand back, knowing it’s time for me to take accountability for my mistakes. “But while you were flying out to New York, I was coming home from a weekend where Mom told me she was divorcing Stephen.”
“And he didn’t tell me until after he was back in LA from taking me to school,” he adds.
“I didn’t know that.” I pull my knees up and wrap my arms around my shins. “I thought you knew. That you left without saying anything because everything between us didn’t matter to you. That I didn’t matter.”
I swipe the tears falling down my cheeks away. After years of therapy, I now realize my hurt and anger was because his disappearing triggered my inner abandonment wound. He tries to reach for me, but I hold up a hand and shake my head.
“You always mattered to me.” He scoots closer but respects my wishes to not be touched.
“When I told you I loved you, I meant it. I always have.” There’s nothing in his eyes but honesty.
“Ask Stone what a mess I was that first year. He had a front row seat. Being blocked by you was the worst thing I could have experienced.”
I roll my lips inward over my teeth and look away. It’s now or never. He deserves to know everything. “The year after that was really hard for me, too. Do you remember our last time together?”
“Every time I close my eyes.”
“Do you remember not using a condom?”
He straightens and goes still. “Yes. The only time I haven’t used one.”
“When I got to UCLA, I was broken. So sad and despondent I couldn’t eat.
After two months of watching me not eat or sleep, Shan and Stephanie forced me to go to the university clinic.
They wanted me to see about getting on anti-depressants.
When the nurse asked me about my last period, I realized I hadn’t had one since July. ”
I watch as the color drains from his face.
“They gave me a pregnancy test.” I look away from him, too vulnerable to hold eye contact.
“It was positive.” Two tears fall from my eyes, rolling silently down my cheeks.
“I went to a clinic that day and had an abortion.” I bury my face in my knees.
I don’t regret it. I’d do it again in that situation, but it’s still hard to talk about, especially when, up until now, only three other people knew.
Xander’s hand wraps around my calf hesitantly squeezing. When I don’t push him away, he slides my legs out and to the side. I let him pull me into his lap and wrap me in his arms. This is what I wanted back then, what I needed.
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. I would have flown to you. I would have done anything for you.”
I nod. There’s no reason not to believe him now. We were so young, both stubborn. Me, possibly more so than him.
“I hate that you were hurting and alone through it.”
“The actual abortion was just two pills. It just felt like a really bad period. I passed everything without needing any surgical intervention.” I take a deep shuddering breath.
“It didn’t hurt as much as walking into your room and finding you gone.
Maybe that’s fucked up to say, but it’s the truth. ”
His arms tighten around me. “I’m so sorry.”
I snake my arms around his waist and hold him back. “I am, too. It was immature of me to block you and delete all my socials so you couldn’t reach out to me. I just snapped. It felt like another man just disappearing from my life with no warning.”
He nods, pressing his lips to the top of my head. “You felt abandoned.”
His validation eases something buried deep in my heart. I didn’t know I needed this. “I’m sorry, too. For thinking the worst.” I look up into his hazel eyes, a deep well of empathy in their amber fathoms. “Are you mad about the abortion?”
“No,” he shakes his head vehemently. “Neither of us were ready for that. I just would have been there for you, if I could.”
Deep down, I knew that. I erased his number from my phone when I blocked him so that even if I undid the block, I wouldn’t still have his number.
Stephen would have given it to me, of course, but I didn’t want to risk the fragile relationship I still had with him after Mom served him divorce papers.
Especially after he told me that he still wanted to be in my life and help take care of me. It was the first time I’d had that.
“As you process what I just told you, I understand if your mind changes and you feel anger or sadness. I worked through a lot of feelings about everything through years of therapy.”