Chapter 32
Thirty-Two
JADE
I watch Xander like a hawk throughout sound check. The haunted, faraway look in his eyes earlier gutted me. I’m used to seeing a sparkle in them, not the dull, lifeless orbs staring off into the distance.
Despite my anger and confusion at our personal relationship, I meant it when I said I believed him.
And that I would always be there for him.
Even before our conversation a couple days ago, I would have always been there for him.
Even the pain of everything left unsaid between us for years couldn’t erase the depth of my feelings for him.
The love for him that, if I’m honest with myself, has never stopped existing inside me.
It’s just terrifying to open myself up again and risk being hurt.
I don’t know if I’d make it through another Xander-sized crack in my heart.
Speaking of my treacherous little heart, it flutters when he looks over at me, playing part of his solo.
His fingers fly over the fret board with the same confidence they move over and inside my body.
“I need a cold shower after that,” Hazel says when he turns back to the empty arena. “Holy shit.” She fans herself dramatically.
“What?”
“The way he was looking at you. Like you were his bass and every note was him worshipping you.”
I look over at her. “You should use that line in a book.”
Her mind is incredible. I’ve seen her reach for a piece of paper or her notes app so many times, fingers flying as she writes out ideas or thoughts for her current project or future ones.
I can only imagine how she and Stone feed off each other as they write.
A maelstrom of inspiration swirling between the two of them.
“You’re probably right.” She pulls her phone out and adds it. “How is he? Darren stopped by our room after he brought the paternity test to him.”
“I think he’s better. I’m just going to keep an eye on him today.”
“He’s playing well.”
I nod without taking my eyes from him even though I’ve noticed him missing some notes.
Stone stops and tells the sound crew that he’s having trouble with one of his in-ears not working properly.
While one of them scurries on stage to help figure it out, Xander turns around and walks over to Tobias’s drum kit.
I can’t hear what they’re saying, but both of them burst into laughter.
The sight of Xander’s smile brings warmth to my chest. It’s so much better than the vacancy in his eyes earlier today.
Darren steps up beside me wordlessly, and when I look over at him, I catch his lips lifted in a soft smile. Following his gaze, I see it’s directed at Tobias. I’ve never seen him look at any of the guys like that before.
“I’m glad you were able to persuade them to allow him to take the paternity test while he’s on the road. Being in the room with her when the results are read will be hard enough on him.”
He looks over at me, and by the time our eyes meet, his expression is schooled back into his default setting, professional asshole. “I know. I wish I could strong-arm them into both parties receiving a certified letter in the mail, but the mother is adamant that he be present.”
“As much as I hate it, I kind of understand. There are a lot of men who would take the test and then either throw money at the problem or ignore her all together. That little girl doesn’t have a father, and if anyone knows what that can do to you, it’s me.
” I turn my attention back to the guys as they start playing another song.
“Is that why this upset you so much?”
“Partly.”
“And the other part?” His gaze skates over my face.
“Angry at Xander for being irresponsible with his future. He’s too old to make mistakes like that.” That’s obviously not the entirety of the reason, but I’m not about to say the truth out loud to Darren.
“Right,” he draws the word out skeptically.
I ignore his tone. He’s not going to bait me into saying more than I’m ready to. We fall back into a comfortable silence as we watch the rest of sound check.
Xander hands off his bass to a crew member to put away until later tonight and walks over to me. “Can I talk to you?”
“Yeah.”
When I don’t move anywhere, he wraps his arm around my waist and starts guiding me to the door. “Privately.”
“Oh. Of course.”
He pulls me into the first empty room we pass. The automatic light flickers on above us, throwing unflattering fluorescent light over us. His hand rakes roughly through his hair, and he leans on the other hand against the door, holding it closed.
“Thank you for earlier today. I know that couldn’t have been easy for you with everything between us.”
“You don’t have to thank me. I’d do it for any one of you.”
His lips flatten into an annoyed line. “Would you kiss any one of us? Promise to be there no matter what?”
“No.” I put my hand on the doorknob. “I shouldn’t kiss any of you. But as your PR manager, I will always be there for any crises you have.”
His eyes shutter, and he pulls his hand from the door. “Right.”
“Is that all you needed?” My chest feels cleaved in two as I put everything I can into remaining professional.
“Yep. You’ve made yourself clear as glass, Ms. Maxwell.” He moves out of my way. “Enjoy the show tonight.”
I toss a look at him over my shoulder. “I’m sure I will.” But from the look on his face, I have a feeling that won’t be true.
My suspicion was right. Xander spent the entire concert flirting with fans in the audience. Winking at them. Flashing his dimple. My blood pressure rose with each instance until I couldn’t take it and had to retreat to the green room to fume in solitude.
Obviously I know I’m in the wrong here for being hurt. He’s made himself vulnerable to me multiple times, and I keep pushing him away. But I don’t want to hurt him, whereas he’s doing it seemingly on purpose. To get under my skin. To hurt me.
Drawing a deep breath, I remind myself that he’s just performing. Honestly, those moments in the concert will make for amazing viral moments to post later when we get back on the bus for the Florida tour dates. That’s what I should be focusing on.
The concert is nearly over, so I decide to just go back to the hotel and call it a night. I grab Hazel as she comes out of the bathroom.
“I’m going to go back to the hotel. Can you tell the guys where I am if they ask?”
“Yeah.” Her brow furrows. “Do you want me to go with you? Should I grab one of the extra bodyguards to go back with you?”
“No, I don’t need security. I’m just going to go back to my room and try to relax.”
“Okay, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. I can’t walk down a hotel hallway to get ice alone without Tyler freaking out.”
“That’s different. You’re famous now, too.” I pull her into a quick hug. “No one knows who I am.”
She hugs me back tightly. “Have a good night.”
I make it back to the hotel quickly, not having to deal with the post-show traffic. Rain rolls down the windows as NPR plays a segment about the war in Ukraine. I listen intently, trying to drown out my thoughts with current events.
The driver pulls up to the hotel, and I dash up the steps calling out my gratitude as I rush through the rain.
A shower is the first thing I think about as soon as my door closes behind me.
I flip the bar lock and dead bolt closed before stripping off my clothes on the way to the bathroom.
Steam rises from the stream of water within seconds.
I moan as the searing spray hits my shoulders and runs through my hair.
It feels so good that I allow myself to take my time, working through every step of my everything shower methodically. My mind wanders all over the place, but when it slips in the direction of Xander, I immediately correct myself. He’s not infiltrating my relaxation time.
I flip off the water once I’m thoroughly washed, exfoliated, and shaved. To keep the cozy vibes going, I pull on a pair of sweatpants and the hoodie Xander gave me. Only because it’s the softest one I have. All my others are worn and the inner fleece pilled.
There’s nothing on television, so I turn it off nearly as quickly as I turned it on to browse. There are a few podcasts I want to catch up on, so I turn one on and lay down on the bed while I pull up a crossword puzzle on my iPad.
I get halfway through when I hear voices walking down the hall. Laughter from familiar voices and a few unfamiliar feminine ones. My heart squeezes in my chest. I ignore the sensation, reminding myself it is none of my business who’s bringing women back to their rooms.
None of my business.
After ten minutes of staring at my puzzle and tuning out the podcast, I get to my feet.
I should probably just check in and make sure everyone is good.
With Tobias struggling lately, it’d be good to keep a close eye on him.
I swipe my hotel key off the table and glance at the one I took from Xander’s room.
There’s a moment of hesitation before I pick it up and slip it in my pocket.
Just in case, you know? He did have a hard morning. There’s nothing wrong with checking in.
Delusional, thy name is Jade. I roll my eyes at myself but walk down the hall to Stone and Hazel’s room anyway.
Knocking twice I hear muffled noise and then the door swings open and a shirtless Stone answers.
His jeans are unbuttoned and his hair is a mess, but he doesn’t look annoyed at the intrusion.
“Sorry, I was just checking in. I can go.”
He reaches for me, grabbing my wrist and tugging me into the room. “Don’t be stupid. We were just,” he trails off and looks over at Hazel heatedly.
She blushes and adjusts her shirt. “Hi,” she squeaks.
“You were just about to fuck,” I finish his sentence. “I don’t want to intrude.”
“You’re not,” Hazel says. “Cute hoodie, know where I can get one?” Her eyes twinkle with mischief. She knows how jealous he gets when she wears merch with anyone but him on it.
Stone growls and yanks her to his side. “No.”
“Honestly, I didn’t need anything. I just wanted to make sure everyone got back okay.”