Chapter 16
Jesse
I head toward the living room of the big house where Dad’s settled in his chair, the soft glow of the side table lamp casting over him.
He’s got a book in hand, probably something about a war hero or some ex-Navy SEAL memoir.
Mom’s likely already in bed, but Dad’s a night owl.
That’s the only reason I came this late.
He exhales a heavy sigh when he sees me. “Oh boy,” he mutters.
Setting his book aside, he shifts in the recliner. I drop onto the couch across from him, my hand rubbing the back of my neck.
“I don’t know what to do,” I admit, glancing up at him. “Ella and I … we got into it tonight.”
He raises a brow. “You two break up?”
“No. I don’t think so.”
“You don’t think so?”
“She didn’t say she was done with me or anything. She just … left.”
“Well, that’s not exactly helpful,” he points out.
“No, it’s not.”
“So, what’d you say?”
“Me? Who said it was my fault?” I get defensive.
He gives me a look like I just proved his point. “She left, didn’t she? People don’t walk out for no reason.”
I let out a subtle scoff. “Yeah, alright. I might’ve said something I shouldn’t have. But you’re gonna need the whole story first.”
“Then quit dragging it out and let me hear it,” he quips, waving a hand.
I take a deep breath. “She was engaged.” The words taste disgusting in my mouth.
His eyebrows shoot up. “Oh?”
“Yeah. Just told me tonight. Said it’s why she moved back, to get away from the drama.”
“Fair enough. Go on.” He motions and I blank.
“That’s it, that’s the fight.”
Dad blinks, unimpressed. “That’s the issue? You’re mad she was engaged?” He shrugs. “She’s a cute girl, Jess. Can’t be mad about that.”
I huff a short laugh. “No, Dad. I’m not mad she was engaged. I’m mad she waited this long to tell me.”
“She told you, didn’t she?”
I squint at him. “So you’re on her side?”
“I’m not on anyone’s side,” he says with a shrug. “I’m on the side that keeps you two together. She say why she waited to tell you?” he asks.
“Because she didn’t want me to judge. She’s always hated hard conversations,” I mutter. “This isn’t the first time she’s kept something from me because of it.”
“Well, nobody likes hard conversations.”
“Yeah, I told her that. She just didn’t want me to be mad at her.”
Dad gives me a look. “And your reaction was?”
I shake my head, lips curling into a guilty smile.
He leans back. “That’s what I thought.”
“I get it,” I admit.
“Do you?”
“Yeah, Dad. I do. I’m the problem.”
“Didn’t say that. Look at the bright side. At least it’s only been a few weeks. You’re actin’ like she kept it from you for years.”
“I guess.”
“And this whole thing she has about confrontation or whatever … don’t forget, you have to adapt to her quirks too. Look at Addison, for example. This kid, Brad, or whatever his name is—”
“Brantley.”
“Yeah, him. He’s gotta adapt to her anxiety stuff.
She can’t do a dinner date, so what do you do?
You get takeout and eat in the truck somewhere or back at the house—adapt.
You adapt for her, she’ll adapt for you.
If you mean anything to her, that is. She won’t change a thing if she doesn’t love ya. ”
I nod, the L-word hanging in my mind. Had I not said it, we probably wouldn’t be fighting right now. But then again, I probably wouldn’t know about her past engagement either.
“I’m so in love with this girl, Dad, it’s intense,” I admit quietly, thinking he’ll be caught off guard but his face says different.
“I know you are. She’s a sweetheart, always has been. So make things right, alright?”
“I just don’t even know what to say or how to go about it.” I sigh.
He sits up, elbows on his knees. “I’ll tell you what you’re gonna do,” he starts. “You’re gonna drive your ass over there, look her in the eye, and apologize for being a jackass.” He points a finger at my chest. “That’s what you’re gonna do.”
I laugh under my breath. Of course that’s his advice. I shouldn’t be surprised. My dad’s the guy who’d crawl over broken glass to make things right with my mom. He always apologizes first, not because he’s necessarily always wrong, but because he can’t stand fighting with her.
“Yeah, alright.” I stand to leave, already plotting what I’ll say to Ella.
“Don’t fight her; fight for her and don’t leave until it’s figured out,” Dad says without a hint of hesitation.
I head out to my truck and check the time: 9 p.m. and it’s a forty-five-minute drive to her place.
Knowing she works tomorrow, I just can’t shake the thought of keeping her up.
But it’s better than lying awake all night, replaying this argument in my head.
I already know I wouldn’t be able to sleep.
* * *
The lights are all off in her apartment, except the bedroom; I see it peeking around the edges of the curtain. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I lift my hand and knock. As soon as I do, I realize maybe I should’ve warned her it was me. I don’t want to scare her.
As I reach for my phone in my pocket, the door unlocks and she opens it.
She stands there, sniffling, eyes red and puffy, hair a tangled mess piled into a bun.
A blanket is wrapped around her shoulders like it’s the only thing she has to comfort her.
Just seeing her falling apart like this breaks me; my chest feels like it’s caving in.
Without saying a word, I step inside and pull her into my chest.
“Come here,” I murmur, my arms wrapping around her. She buries her face against me, her tears soaking into my shirt, her breathing shaky against me.
I can’t remember the last time I felt this close to breaking down myself. Maybe when one of our dogs died a few years ago, but before that? Hell, probably when we broke up.
I press my cheek against the top of her head, letting out a slow breath I was holding.
“Ella, I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I’m usually calm and level-headed … but I wasn’t tonight. I don’t know why, but I was a jerk. You didn’t deserve that.”
She sniffles. “No, I didn’t like that.”
“I know you didn’t, baby.” I rub my hands up and down her back in a slow, comforting manner.
Her breath hitches, and she pulls back just enough to look at me with her glassy eyes. “I get why you were mad, I do” —her voice cracks—“but I was going to tell you. I was just scared … waiting for a better time. I didn’t know how you’d take it.”
“I know. It’s okay, babe.” I rest my hands on her hips. “The important thing is it’s all out in the open. That’s what matters, right? We can move forward from here.”
I hold my breath, watching her eyes flicker as she says, “I just need some time to adjust. Things between us feel like they just picked up where we left off, and I just need to breathe a little bit.”
“That’s completely okay. I told you I was yours and I still stand by that. I love you, so when you’re ready, I’ll be here,” I confess.
I watch her eyes soften, the corners of her mouth lifting upwards in a smile.
“Promise? You won’t rush me?”
I shake my head, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “I’ve waited ten years already, Ella Kate. I’ve got all the time in the world for you.”
She smiles as I wipe away the single tear that still rests on her cheek. “We should probably talk more about all this. If you’re up for it?”
She turns around and I follow her to the couch, sitting on the opposite end. She lays the blanket that was around her over her legs and tucks her feet under herself.
“So. I’ll go first, lay it all out here.
” I clear my throat and sit up. Resting my elbow on my knees, I hold my hands together before I look back at her.
“I ended things with Lexie because we had different views on intimacy. She wanted to have sex, I didn’t.
It was a recurring argument and it just …
” I shake my head. “ It was exhausting. Having to explain myself every other night.”
Ella’s green eyes dim. “That’s hard.”
“Yeah. I just … knowing what I know, after being with you, I didn’t want to make the relationship revolve around it. I didn’t want that soul tie to affect my judgment when it came down to how I felt about her.”
“Right.” She tucks her hair behind her ear and looks away. She hates this, but I can tell there’s something she wants to say. “Whatever it is, just say it,” I tell her.
Her body stiffens. She laces her fingers together and presses them into her lap before she speaks. “Tim, my ex, and I … lived together. For over a year.”
My heart sinks, aches, shatters—it all around hurts. I run a hand through my hair and stand up, taking a walk around the room. I clear my throat before looking back to her. “So I’m guessing you guys … shared a room?”
She nods, her face somber, like she doesn’t even want to admit it. The heaviness that settles in my chest is unbearable. I need a second to comprehend it all, to come to terms and not overreact again.
I let out a sharp breath and run a hand down my face. I hate that thought, the idea, I hate it all.
“You’re allowed to be upset with me.” She fidgets with her hands more urgently, her hair falling forward, hiding her face from me. “You’re allowed to be mad, Jess,” she mutters.
My jaw tightens, and a burning sensation crawls up my neck. I don’t want to be mad at her. It’s not going to change the past; being angry about this is a waste of time. Disappointed, though? I admit, I’m disappointed. But that’s all.
“I’m not mad, Ella. Was it just him?” I hold my breath.
She closes her eyes and nods, still not looking up at me. “Yeah.”
“What about college?”
“No. I was way too focused on school.”
“Right.” I slowly pace around the room again, feeling her watch me now. I don’t know what else to really say, this is just something I have to cope with and get over. The only thing she could say right now to make it better is “just kidding” but I think the chance of that happening is pretty slim.
“I take it there was no one after me … ?” Her tone is nervous, like she’s afraid to even ask me.
I tuck in my lips and shake my head. “Nobody. I went out with a few girls over the years, but most never even led to a second date, let alone…” My voice trails off.
“A one-night stand,” she finishes.
“Not in my blood.”
“I know.” She mutters.
I walk back to the couch and sit down, letting out another sigh, but there’s no relief to follow like I’d hoped.
“It’s gonna take me a minute to—”
“Forgive me?”
I push a hand though my hair. I want to be careful about how I say things and how she might take it.
“Look, the relationship we had back then, that’s the past,” I point out.
She nods. “ If we want to move forward, build this up even stronger than it was before, we’re going to have to try really hard to not fall into those old habits. ”
“Right.”
“You agree?”
“Yeah … I know it’s the right thing to do, I know how I was living before I came back here wasn’t right. Deep down I knew it, and I didn’t care,” she admits. The shakiness to her voice reveals her vulnerability. I scoot over to sit with her.
“Hey.” My voice drops to just above a whisper. “At least you can recognize and want to change it.” I sling an arm around her neck and press a kiss to her temple. “That’s what’s important.”
“With your help …” she mutters.
“That’s what I’m here for, sweetheart.” I watch the corners of her mouth tug up into a small smile. Turning toward me, her eyes brighten and she brushes her soft lips against mine for a kiss. And just like that, my worries, frustration, disappointment, start to fade out.