Chapter 24
Jesse
Well, Ella and I had sex last night. Not just once but twice. As great as it was, I’m glad to know she is on the same page as me about it … regretful.
I didn’t think she’d walk out of church over it, but she did. It did feel like the spotlight was on us, I’ll give her that. But it’s not like anyone but us really knew.
Once I got her back inside, it was fine. I think coming to an understanding of it not taking place again helped. Of course, we’ll have to talk later, pray about it, do whatever it is to make her feel better. And me. I’m struggling too.
I feel like the biggest hypocrite. I told Lexie it wasn’t happening unless she was ready to settle down and get married.
I’ve spent so much time telling Addison to wait until marriage.
And Mason, I just lectured him about this the other day.
Now here I am. I love Ella. I truly do. What we have is beautiful, but deep down, I feel regret.
I know sex is supposed to be for marriage, so I’m basically betraying everything I’ve stood for.
After the closing song, everyone disperses from their pews. Some leave the sanctuary and some stay to talk to those around them.
I turn to Ella, dropping my voice to a low whisper. “You wanna go talk to the pastor?”
Her eyes give me the answer before her mouth does; she shakes her head no.
“So we can just—” I start, but Cody interrupts with a pat to my back.
“Hey, I’m going over to help Wesley and Blake. They need some extra muscle.”
Blake is a farmhand for the Stettlers’ cattle farm next door.
I look back a few rows to where he usually sits.
His wife, Sierra, is standing beside him.
She’s pregnant with their first baby—looks like she’s due any day now too.
Which, come to think of it, I hope I didn’t get Ella pregnant last night.
I didn’t even really think about it. She didn’t say anything, we just sorta went with it all … like we always did.
“Jess? You hear me, man?” Cody’s voice cuts through my distracting thoughts and racing heart.
“Sorry. I can’t. I have stuff to do when we get back.”
“Uh huh, right.” He looks at Ella beyond me. “Stuff to do, I got ya,” he jokes.
I nudge him. “Don’t,” I threaten.
“Easy, I’m kidding. Good Lord,” he mutters with a laugh and walks away.
Ella reaches for my arm. “Can we just leave? I don’t want to stick around.”
I nod, grabbing our Bibles and Ella’s hand, and we walk out to my truck. My thoughts are scattered about last night. The recklessness of it, the sermon this morning, Ella feeling regretful, me feeling regretful. It’s overwhelming.
“You know you could’ve tried to keep your cool with Cody. He—”
“Ella, you don’t think I got you pregnant, right?” I swallow hard. Memories from the past flare up. We had a similar conversation like this once before—a pregnancy scare. Although it turned out fine, it was terrifying.
Eleven years ago
Ella hasn’t talked to me for a week. I don’t know what’s wrong with her, I didn’t do anything. At least, I don’t think I did.
It’s summertime now; we just got done with junior year of high school two weeks ago. I haven’t seen her since last weekend at a party we were both at, though.
She hasn’t been completely ignoring me, we’ve been texting, but she seems to have an excuse every time I bring up seeing her.
I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t starting to worry me.
My brain automatically goes to the thought of her wanting to break up with me and this is her trying to push me away so it doesn’t hurt as much or something.
But I don’t know why she would, we’re solid.
We’d been looking forward to summer break for months.
Late nights, bonfires with friends, park the truck in the middle of nowhere, just her and me, lose track of time kinda stuff.
I keep thinking back to the party. I don’t think I did anything to make her mad—I didn’t even drink that much. She, on the other hand, was the drunk one. She’s such a lightweight.
Taking matters into my own hands, I go to her house and basically demand to see her. Nicely. Once she agrees, we get in my truck and go for a drive. She is not herself; she’s distracted by something.
“Okay.” I put my truck in park. I pulled off the side of a back road nobody should be coming down. “Tell me what’s wrong,” I say.
“I don’t know.”
“Don’t know what?”
She shakes her head, still refusing to even look at me.
I take a hard swallow. “Are you unhappy? Do you not want to be with me?” My voice is low and somber. I’m afraid of her answer. Nothing could prepare me to hear her say yes.
“No, no.”
“Then what? Did I do something?”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know? Ella. Please, baby, just talk to me.”
Her eyes shut tighter, releasing a gush of tears down her cheeks. My stomach knots and a weight settles in my chest. I do not like to see her cry. I lift the center console up and slide across the seat to give her a hug, my heart thumping in my ears.
I drop my voice to a whisper. “Ella Kate.”
I feel her body take in a deep breath before she speaks. “I think I’m pregnant.”
“Really?” I swallow hard. For some reason, I’m not as surprised as you’d think I’d be. I’m just glad she doesn’t want to break up with me.
She lifts her head up to look at me and nods. I wipe away her tears with my thumb before I say anything.
“It’ll be okay.”
“No, it won’t.” She pushes away.
“It will. Tell me what we do, did you take a test?”
She shakes her head no.
“Well, then quit working yourself up. You don’t even know.” I slide back into the driver’s seat and get back onto the road. Looks like we’re taking a little trip to the mini mart in town.
As calm and patient as I may sound, my mind is racing. My parents would be furious. Her parents, oh God, they would kill me. Her dad’s a drill sergeant for crying out loud. Forget being a dad, I’m going to be dead before I get the chance.
End of flashback
“I won’t get pregnant. I’m on the pill,” Ella tells me but I’m still hesitant. Don’t women get pregnant all the time even if they do take the right precautions?
“Is it a good one? Like, does it work?”
She snorts. “Does it work? I mean … yeah, babe, it’s worked the last few years I’ve been on it. Unless there’s some love child out there I didn’t know I birthed?”
“You know what I mean.”
“Yes, it works. Relax.”
“I’m relaxed.”
“You’re not.”
“I just don’t know what I was thinking last night. About any of it.” I say.
“Yeah … well, me either. I’ll tell you one thing, I am not reckless about it anymore. I can promise you that.”
“It’s just, you didn’t mention it last night.”
“Well, I knew I was covered so …”
“But you weren’t concerned that I wasn’t concerned?”
“Jesse, you weren’t ever concerned.” She laughs.
“And I’m an adult now. A responsible, grown man.”
“I know.”
I huff a stressful breath and start my truck.
“You said we can move past this. Can we just do that? Please?”
I look to her, her eyes full of emotion. I don’t like to see that. It wrecks me—I absolutely hate to see women cry.
Reaching for her hand before I start driving, I murmur, “Don’t do that,” and start down the road.
Neither of us says anything until I pull off along a back road a few minutes later. A back road nobody from my family will be driving by. It’s the opposite direction of the house.
Putting my truck in park, I turn down the heat so it’s not so loud.
I turn toward her, and she does the same.
Grabbing my other hand, she holds onto it like it’s the only thing she has.
I glance up at her eyes; they aren’t filled with tears anymore thankfully.
Rubbing my thumb over her knuckles softly, I close my eyes and collect my thoughts.
“God,” I begin. Ella’s hand squeezes mine.
“We messed up. We let our feelings lead us instead of you in a moment of weakness and we’re sorry.
We want to do better, honor you in all we do.
We ask that you forgive us and give us the strength to follow your path.
” I open my eyes and look to Ella. Hers are still shut.
“You wanna say anything?” I mutter, but she shakes her head no.
I finish the prayer, my voice a little shaky but sure. I couldn’t tell you the last time I needed to repent. I know it’s the right thing to do, always. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. It’s a pretty vulnerable thing, especially with another person sitting here with you joining in.
I watch Ella’s eyes open. They’re red and wet again. She shakes her head, feeling the weight of it all. Her emotions start to wear off onto me. I can’t handle seeing her so upset. Tears start to burn in the back of my eyes with the desire to escape.
I slide closer to her, allowing her to lay her head against my chest.
“Everything’s gonna be okay. I still love you so much,” I whisper softly to her. “You know who else still loves us, too?”
She doesn’t answer me, just sniffles. I rub my hand up and down her arm. “God still loves us, baby.”
“I know,” she mutters, her voice less shaky. It sounds like her tears are subsiding.
My feelings for her, the love I have for her, is stronger than I ever thought possible. My desire to marry her hasn’t changed. It will happen one day. I’d lay my life down for her.