Chapter 28
Jesse
After being in my head the last two days, I’m finally getting over to see Ella today after work. She’s on night shift for the next ten days, so we won’t see much of each other. I don’t know how she does it, alternating from days to nights like that. It’s crazy to me.
Fully planning on having a sit-down talk with her today about her past engagement, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. After Cody’s and my little tiff on Sunday, I feel the need to make sure the reason she left him isn’t going to be a reason she leaves me too.
Ten minutes later, she comes through the front door flashing her pretty smile at me, but under it, she looks tired. I get up to greet her, waiting for her to take off her shoes. Her movements are slow, more than just an exhausted slow.
“How was work?” I ask.
When she looks at me, I see it in her eyes. She’s battling something. “Not great. There’s this seventeen-year-old kid that came in last night. Car accident. He was fine and then all of a sudden he wasn’t. He’s declining rapidly.”
“Oh.” I reach for her. “I’m sorry.”
“I just hope he pulls through. He wasn’t even driving and no one else from the car had more than a broken arm.”
I hug her. “Geez.”
“Yeah. Anyway, it’s fine. I’m fine. What do you want to do?”
“Hug you.” I squeeze her tighter.
“Thanks, Jess.” Her words are muffled in my sweatshirt. “I missed you,” she adds.
“Missed you too.” I hold her until she lets go.
Today’s probably not the best night to discuss my concerns and that’s okay. I can hold out another few days.
We ended up starting a movie after she showered. She fell asleep on me fifteen minutes in. Knowing she needs to sleep for most of the day before her next shift, I lay down with her and do the same. I love napping, am always down for one any time of the day.
Ella had an alarm set for noon, and when it went off, it was so loud it jolted both of us. She shot up so fast she nearly punched me in the face.
“Why did you set that?” I mutter.
She gets up. “Because I want to eat lunch, do some laundry, and pack my dinner. Then I’ll sleep until 7, leave at 7:40.”
“Right.” I sit up and let out a yawn. I was in a really nice, deep sleep.
* * *
I watch her put her dinner together in a lunchbox. I could watch her move through the kitchen in those scrubs all day. Soon enough I’ll actually be able to. We just got up from the second nap. I didn’t sleep the entire time. I want to be sure I’ll be able to sleep tonight.
“What are you thinking about?” She asks without even looking at me.
“What?”
“Something’s bothering you,” she states.
“I’m good,” I lie. But only because I am not talking about her engagement right now. She leaves for work in ten minutes. I really didn’t think I was acting any different.
“Well, you’re not saying much.”
“I just like to watch you. That’s all.”
Her gaze meets mine. “No, you’re thinking about something.”
“I’m good. It’s good.”
She tilts her head. “Jesse.”
“You leave for work soon, I know you’re distracted with that. Which is fine, but it’s not a good night to throw anything else on you.”
She sets everything down and looks me in the eye. “I’m not leaving until you tell me.”
“It’s not a big deal.”
“Then just tell me.” Her voice is tighter than before. “C’mon, if this was you, you’d be begging me.”
Knowing she’s right, I quickly come to terms with bringing up the conversation.
“Okay.” I adjust myself in the barstool. “You never really told me much about your previous engagement.”
She squints. “Where is this coming from?”
“Just … thinking is all.”
“Okay …” she stutters. “What do you wanna know?”
“What happened?”
“It didn’t work out? He wasn’t my person. You’re my person.”
“Right. But did something happen? What made you say yes and then take it back?”
“Huh. Jesse, why wouldn’t you start this conversation earlier in the night? I have to leave. I don’t have time to talk about it.” There’s irritation in her tone.
“Yeah, I know that, Ella. Why do you think I was trying to avoid it?”
She grumbles and shoves her lunchbox in her bag. Heading to the door, I follow her.
“We’ll talk another time. Have a good shift.” I tell her.
She sighs. “Yeah. Right.”
“Hey.” I grab her arm, stopping her. “I love you.” I kiss her even though I don’t think she wants me to.
“Love you. Lock the door when you leave,” she mutters, swinging it open and shutting it behind her with a little extra force then necessary.
I sit back down for a minute. My gut is telling me not to leave. To stay here tonight, make things right with her in the morning when she gets home.
So that’s what I do.
* * *
Ella gets home at 8 a.m. I’m in the kitchen making breakfast. Maybe food will help us have a civil discussion.
The second I see her standing in the doorway, I know something’s wrong. The way her shoulders are slumped, like the weight of the night is too much for her to carry.
Her eyes meet mine. They’re glassy, like she’d been holding tears in the entire way home.
I set down the spatula and walk her way. My throat goes dry, “What’s wrong?”
“We lost him,” she chokes out, her voice and body trembling.
The words rock me. I pull her against me, lifting her entire body across the floor so I can shut the front door.
“Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry.”
She sobs into my shirt and I don’t know what else to say. I don’t think there’s anything that would make it better anyway. I’m just glad I stayed so that I could be here for her right now. Her body is shaking and heavy as she trusts me with all her weight; she knows I’ve got her.
“We thought he was going to be okay. He was doing well, and then he just tanked again. Right before shift change,” she chokes out.
I swallow hard, pressing a kiss to her hair. “Babe, I’m really sorry.”
She doesn’t say anything, though I’m not expecting her to. We continue to stand there, and I run slow, soft circles along her back while I feel her tears soak my shirt. I’m not going to tell her not to cry. I know this isn’t something she can just move past.
She lets me go. “Why are you even still here?”
I let out a small laugh. “I didn’t like how we left things last night and your couch is comfy.”
A faint smile grows. “Yeah.” She wipes away her tears before looking back to me. “So you really wanna know why I walked away from Tim? The exact moment I knew that man was not my person?”
She catches me off guard a little, moving the conversation along without much warning.
“I do.”
She walks into the kitchen and leans against the counter. “Because I came home one day, just like this, after losing not one but two patients that shift, and do you wanna know what he said to me?” She crosses her arms.
“What’d he say?” My throat goes dry again as I fear her answer.
“He said, ‘Well, you know, you’re the one who wanted to be an ER nurse.’” Her voice deepens into mocking a man’s tone, but she’s still barely able to steady it.
“That Jesse. That is why I left him. That in itself shows the kind of person he was. He didn’t hug me, he didn’t even say he was sorry for what I went through.
Then there’s you. You did all those things within the first minute I walked in the door. ”
I stay silent, getting the feeling there’s more she wants to express. “We hadn’t even been engaged that long and that was the day I knew for sure I didn’t want to go through life with him.” She shakes her head.
“I promise you, Ella, that I will never say something so cold to you for as long as I live.”
She looks at me, her eyes red, strained, and wet. “I know that. I wouldn’t be here with you if I didn’t.”