Chapter 29
Cole is quiet as he helps Sandro and I make cookies, but that doesn’t bother me. Am I worried? Yes, of course, but you don’t need words to communicate, and I make it a point not to make a big deal out of Cole’s lack of them.
“Okay,” I sign and voice. “That’s it. Once the peanut butter ones come out of the oven, we’re done.”
Cole looks up at me with a serious expression, flicking his gaze to one of the cooling racks on the counter.
I laugh. “Yes, we can have one. After all, we need to taste test.”
Lifting him up, I let him choose which cookie he wants, and am not at all surprised when he chooses the double chocolate chip. Handing him a napkin, I set him back on the floor and pick out a cookie for myself—white chocolate craisin—before turning to Sandro. “Want one?”
The former Boss shakes his head. “No, thank you. I’ll start cleaning up here.”
It’s weird watching him be all…domestic, even after spending the afternoon with him.
Wrapping my head around the differences between the man who once told me I needed to earn his respect, and then later went on to hurt my friend in the most evil, disrespectful way possible…
and the one who is kind, softer, and patient with a traumatized preschooler, is… confusing.
He’s trying, though; I can see that. And it makes me want to try too. Because I love Lio, and I want him to be happy, and for some reason, Sandro makes him happy, so…baking with him and Cole it is.
When the last batch of cookies comes out of the oven, I help with the clean up, trying to get Cole involved.
Though he seems to disappear into himself the longer he’s away from his parents.
Which…I don’t blame him. I was much older than he was when I was kidnapped for the first time, and I didn’t want to be away from my fathers either.
I slept in their bed for weeks afterwards, only to migrate to sleeping with Leandro because the nightmares didn’t stop and I didn’t want to be alone.
I also didn’t want to be an inconvenience to my parents.
Loading the cookie sheets into the industrial-sized dishwasher, I turn to find Cole at my side, my heart breaking when he looks up at me and signs Daddy.
That was one of the first ones I taught him when Keegan dropped him off, and while part of me is pleased he’s using it to communicate his needs, I hate that he feels he can’t use his words to do the same.
“Don’t worry,” I tell him. “Daddy and Papa will be here as soon as their meeting is over, then we can ask if we can have more cookies.”
“Daddy,” he signs again.
I bite my lip, unsure how to approach the topic of his other Daddy. “He’s resting,” I finally settle on. “It’s okay. Your other Daddies are still here, and he’ll be up again soon.” I hope I’m not lying to the kid, but what else am I supposed to say?
It’s not like I can tell him the truth.
Thankfully, I’m saved by Keegan and Carter walking into the kitchen.
I can see the stress on both their faces, and guilt churns in my stomach for making them face the therapists alone.
But I…I just…couldn’t. Not only would it be awkward as fuck because they’re supposed to be coming in to help people, myself included, but after the hell I went through with the first person that was brought in…
no way was I comfortable sitting in a room with three of them.
But that means all the responsibility fell on Carter’s shoulders, and that hurts me, forcing the feelings of inadequacy and failure to rise to the surface once more.
When Cole sees his dads, he runs to them. Keegan scoops him up easily, his features softening. “Did you have fun with Roman and Uncle Sandro?”
Cole nods, then lifts his hand and nods his fist as well. I grin, happy to see he picked up on my signs.
“We had lots of fun,” I say, earning Keegan and Carter’s attention. “Cole and Sandro were the best sous chefs.” I gesture to the counters. “Want a cookie?”
Keegan looks at me with suspicion. “How many have you two had already?”
I drop my mouth open in shock. “Excuse me, we are innocent!”
Carter laughs and reaches out, wiping his thumb across Cole’s cheek. “Sure…innocent people just naturally have chocolate on their faces.”
Oops.
“Thanks for watching him,” Keegan says.
“Of course. Whatever you need,” Sandro says with sincerity.
Neither Carter nor Keegan seem to know what to do with this version of Allesandro, but then, no one except Lio…
and maybe Tennant, does, so it’s fine. Sandro doesn’t seem too bothered.
Hell, the way he acts sometimes, it’s like he expects flat-out rejection at any moment, and that… makes me sad for some reason.
“I had fun,” I tell them. “Anytime you need a babysitter, let me know. I would love to spend more time with my new brother.”
Dad smiles at me. “Thanks, Roman.” He hesitates for a moment before signing, “You think the ASL is making a difference?”
“Yes. He already picked up ‘daddy’ and ‘yes’. You’ll need to talk to Javi and his therapist, of course, but I don’t see what harm it could bring?
In my mind, rather than putting pressure on him to use his words, there are other options.
” I shrug. “They might think differently, but it felt right to me.”
“Thank you. We’ll talk to Javi about it. Hopefully, we can get the child psychologist in here soon.”
I don’t want to ask, but I know I need to. “Good meeting then?”
“Interesting,” is his reply.
That could mean a hundred different things, and my nervousness regarding the whole therapy thing goes up another notch, or five.
“How’s Marcus doing?” Sandro asks, offering a distraction to my swirling emotions.
Carter and Keegan exchange a look. “Better than he was, but…he has a long way to go,” Keegan offers carefully. “I hope to go visit once someone gets a n-a-p in.”
“Let me know? Please? I know I don’t have a right to ask, but…”
“He loves you, and would want you reassured,” Keegan replies. “I’ll keep you updated—but only with what he allows me to share.”
There’s a stiffness to Keegan’s tone, but he’s trying, for Marcus, and I can respect that. It’s what I’m doing for Lio.
Before anything else can be said, the last person I want to see walks into the kitchen.
The air feels as if it’s been knocked out of my lungs when I see Cristian.
His dark eyes zero in on me first, then Keegan, Carter, and Cole.
There’s a pained expression on his face when he looks at Dad, and some part of me that still cares pangs with the depth of his sorrow.
“We should go and put this one down,” Carter says. “Thanks again for watching him.”
“Don’t leave on my account,” Cristian tells them, in a tone I’ve never heard before.
“We’re not,” Keegan replies curtly, as if the very idea of Cristian factoring into any of their decisions is insulting.
It shouldn’t make me smile, but I like Keegan, and I admire how he takes care of his family. It helps to show that my dad will be safe with him—even if I haven’t had the chance to give him and Marcus the shovel talk.
With Keegan, Carter, and Cole gone, a tense, awkward silence descends on the kitchen.
“Roman, may I speak with you?” Cristian asks.
“I need to pack the cookies up,” I respond.
Sandro jumps in. “I can do it.”
I glare at him, but he seems unfazed, reaching for one of the containers I ordered specifically for cookies. I sigh internally before looking at Cristian, a mixture of hope and sadness on his face. Both expressions are something I’m not used to seeing from him.
“Fine. Thanks, Sandro.” Untying my apron, I hang it on a hook on the far wall of the kitchen, then gesture for Cristian to lead the way.
He and Sandro exchange a look, and I…feel somewhat relieved that Cristian has someone in his corner, even if I don’t trust the two of them together at all.
“We can go to the sitting room?” Cristian asks carefully. “Or my bedroom?”
“The family sitting room is fine,” I answer, making sure to be very specific. I'm hoping Leandro is being a nosy bastard right now so he can tune in. I almost want to text him to make sure, but I’m not disrespectful, so I don’t throw my distrust in Cristian’s face.
The walk from the kitchen to the family room is… Tense is too mild of a word. We take our seats on opposite couches and just…stare at each other for a long moment, before I sigh.
“Thank you for apologizing to Ignacio. Did you mean it?”
“Yes,” he answers immediately. “I did. I…I won’t lie and say it wasn’t hard, Roman.
It’s still hard. Do I regret the choice?
No. At the time, I was doing what I thought was right.
I was defending you, as any good father would.
But how far I took it…that wasn’t planned.
I didn’t go in with the hopes of killing him.
A stab wound? Sure. He had to know I was serious, but killing him?
That was never my intention. I am sorry, Figlio Mio. More sorry than you’ll ever know.”
There’s pain in his eyes, a deep burning regret and sorrow that knocks the breath from my lungs for a moment.
“Thank you for apologizing, and meaning it.”
“You really love him, don’t you?”
I nod, a lump in my throat. “I love him more than I ever thought possible, outside of Tennant, Hollis, and Jude. We just…we fit together. He sees my broken parts and doesn’t try to fix them.
He loves me, every flawed inch of me. That’s more than I could ask for from someone who recently lost their first love.
That he’s willing to open his heart again?
To me of all people? Yeah, Dad, I love him. ”
Cristian lets out a shuddering breath. “Dad… You haven’t been calling me that.”
“You haven’t earned it,” I say in a hard voice. “What you did to Carter? I don’t know if I can forgive you as readily as I do for almost killing my love.”
“Roman…what happened between Carter and I, that’s our business.”
“You told him he wasn’t my father!” I shout.
I stand from the couch, unable to sit any longer.
“You tried to take away the only other parent I’ve ever known.
My mother abandoned me as soon as the check cleared, and while I understand that you and Ten tried your best, I was still alone for so long.
Me, the nanny, and my guards. All the good memories I have of my childhood are bookended by the moments when you weren’t around.
“When Carter showed up…even though he had ulterior motives…he still didn’t hesitate to love me like I was his own.
He was there when you weren’t. It may have been a job to him at first, but it never felt that way.
I loved him long before you ever did. To know you tried to take that away from me?
To discredit everything he’s done for us?
” I shake my head, unable to hold back my emotions.
“I am the man I am today because of him. I love you, you’re my father and I appreciate the life and lessons you gave me, but Carter is my dad; he always has been.”
“I know,” he says softly. “I know. I will always regret what I said, what I did. All I can do now is be thankful he’s a better man than me, and that you have someone who treats you right.”
“He’s happy now,” I tell him. “He has Keegan, Marcus, and Cole. And I love seeing him happy. I may not have spent much time with them yet, but I will. I can’t wait to get to know my new brother, and if Marcus and Keegan will have me, I want them to be part of my life.
Not as a replacement for you, but…I want that unconditional love. ”
I never thought I would see my father cry, but as his onyx eyes fill with tears, I feel…nothing. Swallowing, I have to look away, unwilling to examine the state of our relationship too closely.
“I want to trust you again,” I say softly. “I still love you, you’re my father, but…you showed me that you weren’t my dad. I’ve learned there’s a huge difference. I appreciate all you’ve done by teaching me how to lead, but I don’t need that anymore.”
“No,” he agrees. “You don’t. I’m proud of you, Figlio. Sei diventato tutto quello che speravo, e anche di più.”
I stare at him head on. “That’s the problem, Cristian.
At one point, you forgot to look at me as your son, not just an asset.
I killed myself, day in and day out, to be what you wanted me to be, all the while knowing I would never live up to being the type of man you expected.
And I’m sorry for that. But I’m a gay, femme, polyamorous man, and I may feel too much sometimes, but that just makes me human.
I won’t apologize for being who I am, not anymore. ”
“I would never ask you to.”
I don’t bother wiping the tears away when they fall. “Could have fooled me. It’s…going to take time for us to find our way again. But I hope we do, one day. Because I can’t live like this anymore. I…can’t take the stress.”
“Me too, Figlio, me too. I’ll do whatever you want, anything.”
I have to swallow around the lump in my throat, unsure of what to say or do…because I just don’t know.
Wrapping my arms around myself, I hold on tight, clutching at my sides through my shirt. This would be the perfect moment for me to need my dad, but he…just stares at me, looking as broken inside as I am…and I don’t know how we can ever cross the chasm between us.
All I know is there’s a hole in my chest where his love should be.