Chapter 47 #2
I snort because there’s no comparison between him and Jayden. The jealousy is ridiculous. Benjamin isn’t even close to being a sadistic Dom, and fuck, what did he expect? Me to carry a torch for him the rest of my life?
Abruptly tired of it all, I scrub my face with my hands, trying to summon the last of my strength. Letting my arm fall down, I ask him, “What did you expect from me? Really. What did you expect?”
“I didn’t expect you to just walk away completely! I thought we could at least be friends!”
I snort, shaking my head. “I tried. I did everything. Yet, when I was recovering, you were there briefly, and then you were gone. I know you wouldn’t have been told to stay away, so where were you? Why did you leave?
“I’m the one that was confined to a bed, yet you took no care to see me.
You’re obsessive about things, yet you chose not to have anything to do with my recovery.
I do not exist simply to survive on scraps of feelings you throw my way.
I…I deserve better. I have found the person for me, and that’s Roman.
Maybe it’ll include Jayden as well, but I don’t know how that will work out.
What I do know is that I can trust Roman with everything.
My hopes. My dreams. My thoughts. My emotions. Everything.”
“And you can’t me?” Benjamin’s voice is small, and he curls in on himself, turning his head to face away from me.
My eyes linger on the bruise, and I unwittingly find myself concerned. Granted, from what I’ve heard, he keeps trying to kill himself via his new love, but still, the tiniest prick of emotion I thought was buried in the past tries to rise up.
“Where did you get the bruise?” My tone is soft, but I know he senses the danger in it because when he turns toward me, his eyes are slightly dilated. Always the adrenaline junkie, danger drawing him in each time. Fuck.
He bites his lip, hesitating before responding curtly, “Hollis.”
The small fissure of feeling suddenly dies, that flame extinguished in the cold reality I face. No, that we face, even if he doesn’t want to see it himself.
"You left me.” I laugh abruptly, even though there’s no humor.
“After I proposed and you accepted. I gave you everything I could, but you didn't talk to me! Instead, you fell in love with Tennant. And now, you’re fucking it up? Because I know Hollis wouldn’t strike you unless he felt it was needed. ”
Benjamin gasps, his jaw dropping open. He snaps it closed, defiantly thrusting out his chin as he retorts, “Hollis shouldn’t get a say! Much less be able to strike me. I thought you’d at least see that.”
“Jesus fucking Christ. Where did this all go wrong?” I mutter, desperately craving a way out of this nightmare. I glare at my former love and snap out, “Newsflash! You knew Tennant was poly! You know Hollis is in charge of that group! So why would you think that his rules wouldn’t apply to you?”
“I—”
I hold up my hand, cutting off Benjamin’s reply.
“I can't figure you out. Did I mean that little to you that you threw me away on a whim?
Without even thinking about what your life would be like after?
This is the real world. I tried to give you your damn fairy tale.
But that wasn't good enough. Now you have a chance with the man you say you love, and that isn't good enough either?
“You chose him over us. Over Lio. You don't get sympathy from me. I tried to be your friend. I told you, don't make the same mistake you did with us. Talk to him. Don't walk away.
“So ask yourself, who is really the villain? It's not me. It's not Hollis. It sure as hell isn't Tennant, who turned his life upside down for you!
“For fuck's sake, Benjamin! Look in the mirror. You're not my Little Mouse anymore, you're nothing but a memory. And one I'm coming to regret."
With a stomach churning full of acid and bitterness I don’t want, I stand up, stumbling as I race to get out of the room, unable to stay any longer. I hate my words that seem to vibrate around the room. I hate that I inflicted pain on him, but fuck, I don’t know what else to do.
I hope he sees the light. I know he loves Tennant desperately, but fuck.
If our own relationship proved anything, it’s that love isn’t always enough.
He has to decide whether it’s worth it. Because love isn’t something that just falls into a person’s lap.
It’s stubborn, fierce, and it’s a fucking fight some days. But…it’s worth it.
I didn’t make the cut for him. He walked away like I was nothing, and this time…
this time, I’m the one walking away from him.
Yet, the pain that crashes through me reminds me of the chance I thought we had.
The love I thought we were building together.
My mind mocks the toxicity from the hopes I once had—the sandcastles of what may have been, torn down by a river of guilt and betrayal.
Whimpering, I blindly turn in the hallway, thankful when Jayden catches me and helps guide me into the wheelchair that one of the trips must have grabbed.
I’m sure we were loud enough that everyone heard what just went down, and hell, maybe Tennant will visit me to slit my throat. Fuck if I know right now.
The only thing I care about, as Jayden pushes me toward my room, is getting away from Benjamin.
The pain of the past is so overwhelming, I feel like I’m drowning.
And fuck, what I wouldn’t do to just…let it go.
To let it all go… To be free of the misery of the shackles of the past, and to kneel once again.