Chapter 52
“Please, take a seat.” Javi waves toward the remaining available guest seat.
I’m not surprised that Tennant is already here, but the relief…that is a fucking mystery to me. Questions keep dancing in my mind, wanting to probe at what that kiss meant, and if he was really telling the truth about accepting me.
I force it from my mind and take a seat, still somewhat uncomfortable around the psychiatrist. And it’s not even his unique hobby that puts me on edge.
It’s the way those different colored eyes stare deeply at me, as if they can dissect my every thought.
I wish they could, because maybe then he could explain to me half the things I feel, since I barely understand any of it.
Jolting myself from my wandering thoughts, a horrible habit I’ve begun to pick up, I ask, “Is there something you need?”
Tennant’s deep voice tugs at me, a weird sensation twisting inside, and it takes me a moment to actually process what he’s saying. Thankfully, I catch up quickly.
“It’s about Jenna. We found her killers.”
My lips compress into a thin line, fury lighting me up.
It takes me by surprise, burning the ever-frequent numbness from my body.
I shake my head, unsure what to say or do.
Not anymore. I hate that I’ve somehow become a shell of who I used to be, but it’s safer.
Better for those around me. Fuck knows I’m finally making progress with people trusting this new version of me, even if it doesn’t feel like a perfect fit at times.
Javi sighs, and I flick my gaze back to him. “The reason we’re telling you this is because we know you had a special relationship with Jenna. As such, vengeance falls to you.”
I flinch from that word. My world almost burned down the last time I was involved in chasing vendettas, and that was before I fucked everything up.
I…I don’t know what will happen if I step back into the old version of me.
Fuck. Nothing fits anymore. Not Sandro, as much as I try, or the old Il Padrone.
Sandro is at least safer for those around me.
Eventually, I swallow, struggling not to be ill as I croak out, “I don’t know if I can do that. I’m not sure what you want from me. What any of you want from me now.”
I stare down at my clenched hands, focusing on relaxing them and concentrating on my breathing. Fuck. I hate this. I know Javi wants me to see Brannigan, but if he’s not here soon…I don’t know what to do.
Tennant reaches over and clasps the back of my neck, turning my head with his other hand so that I have to face him.
I shudder at his touch, at the intensity of those blue eyes.
Fuck, in a lot of ways, they’re like looking at my own…
only mine have dulled. Bitterness wants to swallow me, but I force it aside.
I don’t deserve to feel that. Not when I’m facing the consequences of my own actions.
“You need to face your fears, Sandro. But I will be by your side the entire time. You’re no longer alone. I won’t let you fail. Trust me. Because I trust you, even when you can’t trust yourself.”
My breath catches, and tears swim to the surface, even as I push them down, not wanting to be weak. But Tennant…he makes me feel both weak and strong at the same fucking time.
I nod mutely, unable to force words past the lump in my throat. All I know is that where he leads, I suddenly want to follow. I don’t understand it, but that’s the truth. That’s my fucking truth.
Javi claps his hands, startling me. Tennant withdraws, but not completely, keeping a hand on my thigh. “I’m glad to see you two getting along. Tennant is right, you have this. And you need it. After this…you can make a decision.”
My eyes widen as I panic, not understanding, but when Tennant squeezes my thigh, it settles something inside me.
I wonder what it is. I’ve always been the dominant in the relationship.
I’m not sure I can understand this, but fuck, maybe I don’t need to right now.
Maybe, for now, it’s enough that I trust him.
It’s been a long time since I’ve had that.
I’ve always had to rely on myself to be there for others, even if it’s in a way that most don’t understand.
All I’ve ever wanted to do is protect my Boys, and maybe I didn’t go about that the right way.
Certainly, when insanity invaded me, I didn’t—but fuck, even before that, I can see where I went wrong, following the rules pressed into me by my father, even if I was “better” than him.
The bonds are there though. Now, maybe it’s time to learn what it means to form stronger ones, and perhaps it starts with Tennant.
Hope. It’s terrifying. And I’m not sure what will happen. I feel like I may be in free fall, but all I can do is trust that Tennant will catch me. I’m not sure I have the strength to do it myself. Given his steady presence…I may have someone who will.