Chapter 28
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Dawn came and went in a burst of gray light that faded into color. Jessamine sat with William, watching his steady breathing. The fear from the previous night had dissolved into a deeper sort of hurt, the kind that sank into her bones and settled there to live indefinitely.
This is a marriage of convenience.
I hope it’s enough for you.
It had not been enough for her for a long, long time. Even longer than she had realized. Since before they had kissed for the first time. And now, she had come to rely on him more than she had ever relied on another person.
Everyone in her life left her, one way or the other. Her mother, her father, her aunt. Her sister, in a way—having a child was not the same, but it did change things—and now her husband.
“You won’t leave me, will you?” she murmured to the sleeping infant.
He was so much larger now than he had been a few weeks ago, putting on weight so solidly that she felt as though if she only watched him long enough, she would see him grow.
“I will have you for years. You will always be Rebecca’s, but you are also mine,” she added.
He didn’t so much as stir.
The door opened, and Lucy crept in, a small bandage around her head.
“The doctor said I should be fine so long as I don’t move anything heavy for a day or two,” she whispered, her face creasing. “I am so sorry, Your Grace. He was in my care, and I failed him and you. I understand if you would rather someone else take over my duties.”
She hung her head, and Jessamine realized that Lucy, too, had come to care for William.
He had had so much impact on so many people’s lives, and he slumbered in ignorance.
“You could never have foreseen this,” Jessamine said, shaking her head and returning her gaze to William’s face. “We could all blame ourselves, but we are not responsible for what happened. Are you all right?”
“I’m fine, ma’am, thank you for asking. Nothing a good night’s sleep won’t fix.
” Lucy stopped, her keen eyes traveling over Jessamine’s face.
“If you don’t mind me saying, ma’am, I wonder if that might be a good idea for you, too.
I can call someone else to watch over him with me for the time being, if that would make you more comfortable. ”
Jessamine dragged a hand down her face. Somewhere in the house, Andrew was sleeping, apparently perfectly content with the way he had ripped her heart into shreds. If she retired to her bedchamber now, all she would do is see the absence of him in it.
“I don’t know what to do,” she said at last. “His Grace has told me—well, he has said that we are not to have a marriage of any sort. All this ever was, all it ever has been, is a means to an end. A way of providing for William the way his mother would have wanted.” She braced her arms over her bent knees and rested her chin on them.
“I knew that was all we would ever have, and I still wanted more.”
Lucy took a seat beside her. “I’m sorry, Your Grace.”
“Are you married?”
“I was, ma’am. He passed away in the war.”
“I’m sorry.”
“These things happen. I’m not the only widow left. It’s why…” She gestured around herself. “Nursing mothers are hard to come by, so there’s always work, and I’ve been nursing since I weaned my eldest.”
“How old is he?”
“Five.” Lucy smiled fondly. “He’s a mischief-maker. Like his father.”
“Do you ever…” Jessamine struggled to find the words. “How does one ever navigate marriage? Nothing seems as simple as it ought to be.”
“Well, that’s because it’s not, ma’am, if you’ll forgive me saying.
Marriage is hard, and it takes work. I loved my husband, but there were times when I wanted to toss him out on his backside and let the night frosts have him!
” Lucy laughed. “But he’s a man. What else can you expect other than a little stupidity at times?
They pretend to be complex creatures, but really, they’re simple.
At least, my husband was. He just sometimes wanted things he didn’t know how to ask for. ”
The opposite was true here: Andrew had very directly asked for what he wanted, which was not her. In fact, he wanted the very opposite of her. A marriage of convenience.
“Talk with him,” Lucy urged, then caught herself. “At least, that’s my advice, Your Grace. You’re welcome to take it or leave it.”
Talk to Andrew.
That sounded easy in principle, but Jessamine had kept trying, had kept talking with him. She’d confessed her desires, and he had shut a door in her face.
If Andrew wanted to speak with her, he would have to be the one to approach her. And if he didn’t, then… well, that would be the beginning of the sort of marriage he so clearly asked for.
One where they did not care for each other at all.