18. Julian
Julian
She stops crying. I’ve never liked seeing anyone cry, but I almost killed Elliot. What the fuck was he thinking? Can I trust him to help her out of this?
I’ve spent weeks convincing myself there would be another way. I’ve held it from Ettie and Elliot, hoping it wouldn’t come down to this.
I'm going to have to call in a favor I swore I'd die before using. It means a life that I won’t have much control over, but at least Ettie will make it out of this.
My stomach drops when I think of the life she can go off and have with Elliot. It’ll be the right call though.
“Julian.” Her voice is hoarse, and her face stays pressed into my shirt. “Do you hate me for crying to you about Elliot? I just can’t believe I fell for him. I had no idea what was going on. I’m an idiot.”
She sniffles into my shirt again.
“I could never hate you. Not being with you all this time left me in pieces.” I exhale slowly, forcing the next words out past every selfish part of me. “I won’t do it again. Even if I have to put up with Elliot too.”
She sets her palm on my stomach.
“You can’t mean that. How could we ever…”
Ettie lets out a shaky breath, then she yawns.
“Tired?”
“Exhausted. I’m going to shower and fall into bed.” Her fingers bunch in my shirt as she lifts her face to mine. “Come with me?”
“Always, babydoll.”
She wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me closer.
“What are we going to do about Elliot? You can’t hide in here forever.”
“Wanna bet?”
I huff a laugh.
She pulls back, and gray eyes stare at me.
My hand brushes her cheek, and she leans into my palm.
“I didn’t cheat on you with Elliot. I would never.”
“I know, babydoll.”
Her eyes widen.
“You thought pushing me away would keep me from getting involved.”
“Okay. That’s just weird that you know that.” Her brows pinch together as she tries to follow what I am saying. “I made you think…” She pauses and bites her lower lip. “I made you think that I had been with Elliot longer than I was.”
“I’m aware.” The old ache opens beneath my ribs with astonishing precision. “I remember the day I came to your apartment.”
I should leave her alone.
That is the responsible and mature choice. The version of me that prides himself on discipline understands that.
The version of me that cannot breathe without her has taken over.
I drive across town. I’m numb when I pull in front of her building. Everything from the drive here is a blur. I stand outside her door without remembering how I got there. Autopilot and denial are getting me through life right now. When I knock, I expect her face.
A blond man opens the door instead. He looks comfortable. Relaxed in a way that immediately unsettles me. Barefoot with his sleeves pushed up like he belongs here.
His eyebrows lift slightly. He seems entertained by my presence at her apartment.
“Well,” he says, leaning his shoulder against the frame. "This is unexpected.”
“Who the fuck are you?”
“Her partner. At work and in bed.”
She’s already with someone else? There is no way she could be here with him while I’m barely holding onto my sanity without her.
“I need to see Ettie,” I reply.
He doesn’t move.
“She’s busy.”
Fighting the urge to vomit, I stand my ground.
“I’ll wait.”
He studies me for a long moment then gives a small, humorless smile. “You don’t really want to do that.”
Behind him, I hear her laugh at something I can't make out. Then a soft chuckle followed by a cat meow.
“She doesn’t know you’re here,” he continues, lowering his voice. “And I’d prefer to keep it that way.”
“Move,” I say.
Instead, he shifts just enough to block the doorway more completely.
“You walked away,” he says. “I’ve been here the whole time.”
“What does that fucking mean?”
“You didn’t fight very hard to stay.”
“That’s not what happened.”
He tilts his head, sizing me up. “Doesn’t matter anymore. I’ve fucked you out of her system before you two even broke up.”
The implication is deliberate. He wants me off-balance.
That couldn’t be true. Ettie would never. Would she? Is that why she pushed me away? She already had someone else lined up for my replacements.
No, I don’t fucking accept that.
“I need to talk to her,” I repeat.
“And say what?” he asks. “That you want her to give it another shot? She doesn’t need that, man. We have a good thing going.”
My silence answers him.
He exhales through his nose and looks past me briefly, then back again. “She cried for you,” he says. “But I was there to help her get over it.”
My jaw tightens.
“She’s been mine since the first time I saw her,” he adds. “Even when she was still technically yours.”
The floor seems to shift under me.
“That’s a lie,” I say, though the conviction is weaker than I would like.
He holds my gaze without blinking.
“You think I waited?”
My lungs refuse to fill.
“You expect me to believe she—”
“I don’t expect anything from you.” His tone sharpens slightly. “I’m telling you she chose me. More than once.”
More than once. The ache beneath my ribs becomes unbearable. Was I nothing to her? Was this why she never said she loved me?
“Just go, man. I’ve got her now.”
Behind him, movement. Her silhouette in the hallway.
“Elliot?” she calls.
He glances back then steps aside enough for her to see me.
Her expression shifts from confusion to shock.
“Julian?”
There is no guilt in her face. She looks surprised to see me. For one second, hope claws its way back into my chest. Then Elliot rests one hand on the doorframe beside her, and I remember every word he just said.
“I came to see you,” I say, though my voice sounds distant to my own ears.
She steps closer to the door.
“Why?”
Because I can’t function without you. Because walking away felt like cutting off a limb. Because I thought I was giving you time to realize what we have.
None of those answers are appropriate.
“I made a mistake coming here. It seems you have moved on,” I say instead.
Elliot watches her reaction closely.
Her eyes flick to him and back to me. The space between them is small, and that really pisses me off.
Elliot rests his hand lightly against her back, and she doesn’t seem to dislike the claim he’s making.
“I understand,” I say.
Because I do. Or maybe this hurts less than begging her to pick me and watching her refuse.
Elliot’s words echo whether they’re true or not. She chose him. She moved on.
“Julian.”
I step back before she can finish.
“I hope he makes you happy.” Keeping my voice steady costs more than I let show.
Elliot's expression shifts into a cocky smirk. Satisfaction flickers behind it.
Lee takes a step toward me. “That’s not—”
I turn away before she says more.
The hallway feels longer than it did when I arrived. Outside, the air is cold enough to burn my lungs. I stand on the sidewalk for a moment, trying to recalibrate the shape of my life without her in it.
She’s moved on with her partner.
I walk away even though it crushes me.
“Elliot told me the truth when he reached out for help,” I say. “He admitted he lied because you were still crying over me, and he was selfish enough to want me gone.”
Her face crumples. “I should’ve cleared it up before you left. Julian, I’m so sorry.”
“Is it pathetic that if you had cheated with him, I wouldn’t have loved you any less?”
She shakes her head and searches my face for understanding.
“Ettie, I love you. Nothing could make me stop. Not when I was angry. Not when I believed his lies. Not when I thought I already lost you.”
“I don’t deserve you, Julian Jameson.” Her voice trembles, but there is a tiny thread of steel beneath it now. “But I’m keeping you. Always.”
My lips press to hers, and my hands tangle in her hair. Her lips part for me, and I moan into her mouth. Nothing tastes like her, and I only want her flavor on my tongue.
“I’m keeping you too.” My hands slide down to the back of her neck. “Let’s get ready for bed. You’re emotionally and physically exhausted.”
She stands and walks to the attached bathroom.
“Hey, babydoll.” I wait until she pauses in the doorway. “I know you still love him too.”
Ettie flashes me a guilty look.
“Loving him doesn’t mean you love me any less. It took me a while to wrap my mind around that. And if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be a part of anything like this. But I need you, and I know you need me.” My voice softens. “It’s okay if your soul needs both of us.”
I give her a crooked smile.
Her mouth opens, but she doesn’t speak. For once, Ettie Leighlan has no immediate argument. She’s so cute when she’s thrown for a loop.
A footstep sounds behind me.
Elliot walks in just then. He stops inside the bedroom, keeping enough distance from Lee to be sort of safe if she throws something sharp.
His tousled blond hair is mussed from the fingers he has been dragging through it, and his eyes are fixed entirely on her.
I’m assuming he heard most of the conversation.
She glares at him.
“I get that you're mad. I have a lot to explain, and I know you hate being the last person to know what's going on.” He smirks faintly. “But I’m not leaving, Lee.” He looks at me. “And I’m not asking him to either.”
Lee frowns, and she shakes her head.
Does she honestly not understand we’d both die to have her?
She chews her lip and walks into the bathroom.
Elliot laughs when he hears her turn the lock.
He turns to me.
“We doing this?”
“I don’t see another way.”
“I’m not into guys. No judgment, just not what I like.”
“Same.”
He nods.
An absurd silence stretches between us, two fully grown men negotiating the emotional logistics of loving the same homicidal FBI agent while she hides in the bathroom from both of us.
“For what it’s worth, I am sorry I made you believe she cheated on you. She was a mess without you. It tore me apart watching her. We both have to be all in.”
Our eyes lock, and we make a silent promise to each other.
“Oh, and later because Lee’s already upset enough, I’m going to kick your ass for drugging her.”
I scoff. “You could try.”
“Good talk,” he says with a grin and walks out.