Chapter 19 #3
Love that was something other than the kind of toxic love Cody’s mother had for his father. Love that was something other than the love that had existed between herself and Aiden. Love that was more about claiming stability than actually claiming the person.
She was here, standing on her own two feet, proving that she didn’t need love to survive, but she felt like she really wanted it. Like she still believed in it.
She felt like she could use it. And that it wouldn’t kill her. Not having it. Not losing it.
Because she had been through a lot. And she had gotten herself here. In praise of the girl that she had been, she had to look around, at the scenery, at Cody, and give thanks for all the strength that she had carried the whole time.
Maybe she’d had some wrong ideas about how she was going to survive, but she had survived.
Even her marriage to Aiden had been part of that survival, and she couldn’t even fully regret it.
It had brought her here.
Maybe it had been a necessary step on the path to her reaching… self-actualization? She wasn’t entirely sure.
But she felt okay. She felt strong. She felt like she knew what love was, and that it was real.
She could see it, and the people all around her.
And Cara choosing to stick with her, even though Aiden was her brother.
And Cody, choosing to care for his siblings, even though no one had ever modeled that kind of care for him.
In the way Walker worked to fill in the things that Cody wasn’t good at, the way that Zane built shelves, even though he didn’t want to talk to anybody, but felt a bond with the Grayson family all the same.
The way that Nolan and Lila bickered, because they knew how to poke each other, knew exactly who each other was. Even if their relationship was antagonistic.
In the way that Cody had gone up to Painted Ridge and looked down at the ranch that could never be his, and set his intentions on it.
“How did you become a cowboy, Cody?”
“I got a job on a ranch,” he said.
“Why?”
“Because I… because I felt like I should’ve been a cowboy.
And if my dad had acknowledged us, I would’ve been.
And it was another thing I decided he didn’t get to take from me.
So, I took a job on a ranch, I met up with some old, crusty retired bull riders, and I started pursuing getting into the rodeo. ”
She wanted to hug him. Not just him right now. The boy that he had been. The one who tried so hard to give everyone the best life possible, even himself, even in that way. But what about his heart? He didn’t think that he could have love. Not love outside of his family.
Or maybe… Maybe it just felt like a burden, after so many years of caring for people, she could understand that.
It just made her horribly sad.
Because he deserved more. He deserved better. He deserved everything.
Well, she was going to cook him some pasta.
It wasn’t everything.
Not even close.
But it was what she could do.
They got back to his place, and she walked in, now more familiar with the house.
She had spent the night here several times.
She hadn’t done a whole lot in the kitchen, because generally he was the one cooking. It was an open-plan house, which she actually wasn’t usually a big fan of, but anytime she had been here with Cody and his siblings, she had enjoyed it.
And understood the appeal. They were such a fun, rowdy bunch, even Lila and Nolan when they were bickering. She found them funny.
But it was nice to be here by themselves, too.
Very nice tonight.
“I hope you didn’t forget my offer,” she said.
“Oh no, I haven’t,” he said.
“Sit down,” she said.
“I can help you with something.”
“I don’t need any help,” she said. “I’m going to cook for you. When was the last time someone did this for you?”
“I don’t know. My mom. Beanie weenies. I had a cold or something.”
He knew. Exactly. He was playing it off like maybe it was something only half remembered, or something that hadn’t mattered all that much, but she knew that it did.
She knew that he was minimizing.
“That’s nice.”
“She did try,” he said. “I don’t want you to think that she didn’t. I don’t want you to think that she was this… mess of a woman who didn’t care about her kids. I think she did. I think she loved us.”
His voice was raw, and she set down the package of pasta she was holding to give him her full attention.
“I’m sure that she did love you. And I think that’s its own sort of grief, don’t you?
Because I also think my dad loved me. Maybe my mom even did.
But that didn’t mean that she could use that love to put herself back together.
To make herself functional. I think our parents are great examples of people who lived with their own self-destructive tendencies and faced consequences for those tendencies.
They hurt other people, but they hurt themselves, too. Shortened their own lives.”
“I’m not angry at her,” he said, his voice rough.
She wondered if he was, though, and if it was the thing that frightened him the most.
“You can be. I’m angry at my parents. And sometimes I feel guilty about that. Sometimes I wish that I could be endlessly understanding. But I can’t be. I can’t be, because they hurt me. Even though they also hurt themselves. It’s just not ever going to be that easy for me.”
“I just think it’s really important that I just love her. Because no one else did.”
Those words were like a dagger through her heart. Cody was carrying this heavy burden for his mother, even with her being gone. He wasn’t letting himself sift through all of his own issues because it was so important to him to honor his mother’s memory. To honor her life, such as it was.
He was a good son. A good man.
But she could recognize that he deserved a hell of a lot more than he’d ever gotten.
She wanted to give it to him. Not just tonight. Forever.
That was a terrifying thought. And her chest expanded with a feeling that she didn’t want to label. Not yet.
She didn’t want to call it anything that it wasn’t. Anything that it couldn’t be.
But it wasn’t casual, that much was certain.
Tomorrow morning, she was going to tell her lawyer to send the divorce papers.
There was no more reason to hold back. She wasn’t even sure why she had been doing it. But it felt right, it felt good, to make the decision.
To feel certain that she was ready to pull the plug.
Because she just didn’t need to give it any of her focus anymore. It wasn’t dramatic. It wasn’t like she had been holding out hope for a reconciliation or anything like that. She wasn’t. She never had been.
But it was more about being ready to completely release the last thing that still held them together.
He had been her family. And for her, that had been a loaded, desperate reality.
For her, it had represented something so much bigger than it did for a lot of other people.
But she was ready to just let it go now.
She didn’t need the crutch. Not anymore.
Something in her head healed.
And it made her want to reach out to Cody and heal him, too. Which was maybe the most egotistical thought she’d ever had.
She didn’t think she was healed enough for all that.
Just make him dinner.
So, she did.
She could tell that he was just being polite, not because he didn’t like it, but because he was anxious to get to the after-dinner party.
And she was enjoying prolonging that.
Enjoying teasing it out. Letting the anticipation build.
For her, sex and emotion had always been linked, so it had been a surprise to meet him and want him the way that she did, without even knowing him. To hear his voice and want him without ever seeing him.
She wondered then if her body had always known.
That there was something important about him. Something significant.
Whatever happened to him in the future, whatever happened to them, this had been essential for her. He had made her realize things about herself that she would never have understood otherwise.
And she felt… good, knowing that she didn’t feel the need to force it into something that was like forever.
But the word did still stick in her chest, echo inside of her, not because she thought it would make her whole, just because the idea of spending forever with him seemed like a beautiful sort of promise.
After dinner, he picked her up and carried her to his room. Like it was a wedding night.
He laid her down on the bed, his eyes intense on hers, but he didn’t go quickly. No, instead, he moved slow, tracing every line on her face gently with his thumb, kissing her lips, her jaw, down her neck.
He took his time undressing her.
Cody always surprised her.
Because he could be rough, could be fast. Could claim her like he did in the pickup truck, all male dominance and heat, or he could take it like a leisurely hike, taking the scenic route to get where they wanted to go.
But one thing Cody always did was set the tempo.
One thing he always did was take responsibility for her orgasm.
Make sure she came at least twice.
And if that was a function of his desire to be a good person, she wasn’t going to push back in the bedroom.
Because she was benefiting from it far too much.
Tonight, though, was about him. Tonight, she wanted to relieve some of the burden that he carried on his shoulders. She sat up, cupped his face, and kissed him hard, pushing him down onto the mattress. She started to undress him, revealing his glorious, deliciously masculine body to her gaze.
His body was familiar now, every inch, every hard cut line of muscle. But it didn’t make it any less beautiful for all that it was familiar.
It wasn’t about the novelty. For a while, she had thought that it might be.
It wasn’t.
She kissed his chest, kissed her way down his abs.
“Marlowe,” he said, his voice rough. But whatever it was, a plea for more, or for her to stop, she didn’t listen.
Instead, she dipped her head and took his cock into her mouth, taking him deep, relishing the harsh, masculine sound he made as she swallowed him down, as she sucked him, brought him to the edge, and then moved away, pressing kisses to his flat stomach.
“Shit,” he gasped.
She moved back to him, teasing him with her mouth, and then kissed a trail up his body, just like he was fond of doing to her, before straddling him, hands flat on his chest.
“Tonight’s for you,” she said.
She expected him to say something, but he didn’t.
Instead, he gripped her hips, angled his cock to the entrance of her body, and thrust in easily.
She was so wet, and the slick friction was delicious.
He was so deep inside of her, and when she flexed her internal muscles, she almost came right then.
But she wanted to draw it out. For both of them.
She arched her hips, began to ride him, establishing a rhythm that gave them just enough, but not enough.
“Do you think I’m getting better?”
“What?” he asked, the words coming out through his clenched teeth, his voice strained.
“At riding.”
She let out a shocked yelp as his hand came down on her ass, hard. “Brat.”
She moaned, leaning forward and kissing him on the mouth. Then he thrust up inside of her, taking some of her control away, holding her hips as he thrust upward, and she began to shake.
“Cody,” she whispered against his mouth as she shattered completely, and he did too, pouring himself inside of her, the intensity of it, the intimacy of it, leaving her shaken.
And then afterward, she lay down next to him in bed, curled up against him.
“Stay the night,” he said.
“You just want me to help clean the kitchen in the morning,” she whispered.
“I promise when you wake up, it’s going to be spotless. Because I don’t care about the kitchen.”
Coming from Cody, it was the closest thing to a declaration that she was ever going to get.