Chapter 19 Natty #2
My feet carried me out of the bar, back into the cold, and when the door closed a second time, I knew Alec had followed.
“What are you going to do if he doesn’t show up in time?”
I turned, taking in the gray sky, the clouds pregnant with snow. The ground was frozen, and our breaths clouded in front of us. Alec’s features looked crisp and sharp under the December sky.
“What do you mean?”
He stepped closer and tentatively pushed a lock of my hair off my shoulder. “If Silas doesn’t show up in time for Christmas, will you spend it alone?”
The mere notion made me feel physically sick. I hated being alone.
My mother had left the Death Raiders a year ago. No note. No goodbye. Just gone.
Sasha was my family in theory, but it was like living with a cactus. She was prickly and protective. Her only priority was Silas, and she made that clear every chance she got. If I didn’t have Silas, I had no one.
I must have waited too long to respond because Alec took a step closer until his chin was nearly at my forehead.
“Don’t spend Christmas alone, Artie. Promise me you won’t.” His whisper landed as a hot breath against my skin.
My voice cracked as I asked, “Where else would I go?”
“Find me…I’ll be here. I joked about my mom’s grave, but truthfully, it’s the only place I want to be through the holidays.
A cold grave, celebrating with the only family I ever had.
She was shitty to me on her best days, and deplorable on her worst, but she was my mom.
She still bought me gifts on Christmas…still decorated and managed to wrangle a tree inside.
It wasn’t perfect, but it was ours…and I miss it. ”
He swallowed thickly. “I miss her.”
I had no idea how that felt, other than missing Silas. I’d never missed my mother…not once. I never missed my father because I never knew him.
I had missed Sasha when I was little…even now, there was a part of me that longed for her to love me the way she loved her son, but I knew she just wasn’t capable.
“If he doesn’t show, Alec, then I’ll come spend it with you. Honestly, I wish you two could spend it together, even if he does show up. You’re brothers.”
Alec’s smile was sad, and as he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, my heart seemed to break in half.
“Cain killed Abel because he was jealous of his offering.”
I didn’t know much about the Bible, but Sasha had taught us a few of the basics. I knew about Adam and Eve…the Ark, and a few other bullet points. Hateful brothers didn’t register.
“So?”
His fingers were still tangled in my hair. “So, I’d do more than murder my brother for what he has.”
It was murmured low and as soon as he said it, he took a few steps back then picked up my hand.
“Call me if you need me, Artie.” He wrote down his number with a black pen against my palm. Then stared down at me for a long moment before walking back to his bike.
I stared after him, confused.
What did Silas have that would make Alec feel so violent toward him?
Me: It’s Christmas Eve…where are you?
Silas: Ran into a complication.
Me: Will you be back tonight?
Silas:…
Me: ?? Silas…will you be back tonight?
Silas: I love you. I will call you in the morning.
Me: You promised this trip wouldn’t interfere with Christmas. You swore it to me, Silas.
Silas: I know. If I could leave, I would. I’m sorry.
I stared at my phone feeling numb.
If I understood what Silas was doing, maybe it would make me feel better, but I didn’t.
His father was a monster, and as far as I understood, he didn’t need to be working with him, or around him, or have anything to do with him.
Bitterness crept into my heart, choking out all sense. The small tree in Sasha’s living room was decorated with a string of popcorn, a few recovered bulbs from a bag at Goodwill, and a string of half working lights. There were no gifts under it.
No other decorations were around the house, and I hadn’t seen or heard from Sasha in a week.
When I’d driven back to Pyle two days ago, Dirk had arrived as well.
So far, I had been lucky that he hadn’t walked over and demanded to see me.
Usually he found a way to torture me, especially if Sasha was gone.
I wasn’t eager to run into him again, and the longer Silas was gone, the higher the chance was that I would.
The loneliness and fear dug at my core. The silence in the house crept into that void in my soul, and I couldn’t stand it. I jumped up, grabbed my coat and left the house.
Rose Ridge was only a twenty-minute drive, and the entire ride over, I justified my actions with the idea that I was spending time with my husband’s family.
Once I had parked in the asphalt lot of the grocery store, I pulled up my phone and called Alec.
He answered on the third ring.
“Hello?”
“Alec…it’s me, Natty.”
He paused, then let out a small chuckle. “You coming to see me for Christmas, Artie?”
I hated that fucking nickname.
“You offered, didn’t you?” I snapped, feeling torn and annoyed with myself. Why couldn’t I just be strong and spend tonight alone. I could hide from Dirk. But the idea of hiding in the wardrobe on Christmas wasn’t appealing.
“Just texted you the address.”
I hung up, took a shuddery breath and began navigating toward the house. It was a simple cabin on the river, with smoke coming out of a brick chimney. The sky was white, flakes of snow blew against my face as I slammed the car door shut and trudged up the rickety steps.
The door opened before I could knock, and Alec stepped aside, welcoming me in.
The house was warm, so I shed my jacket and shoes.
The foyer was miniscule and quickly led to where a round table sat with two chairs.
Off to the side was an L-shaped kitchen, with linoleum along the floors and Formica counters.
The living room had green shag carpeting and two armchairs that faced a large hearth with a roaring fire inside.
Alec wore white socks, threadbare jeans and a simple white shirt.
His hair was wet from a recent shower, and his face was freshly shaven.
His smile was familiar and stretched along his firm jawline.
I hated how noticeable the changes in his face and body definition were from the last time I’d seen him those few years ago.
The other day, with his hoodie on, his muscular form was hidden and I had flat out ignored his jawline.
Now, under the fire light, and the pain radiating from my thatched heart, I noticed.
And it made me sick because I wasn’t attracted to Alec, but I was aware of how he looked at me. I didn’t want to lead him on, and I didn’t want this to look or feel like something was happening here that wasn’t actually happening.
Alec pulled out a bottle of whiskey, two tumblers and a deck of cards.
“Poker?”
I took the filled glass and sipped. “War.”
It began to snow in fat, chunky flakes. The fire crackled from behind me, and the tumbler of whiskey was cold under my hand. It made me want to toss the entire fucking thing in the fire just to watch it burn.
Silas hadn’t called me or texted.
I watched with fear as the clock wound down, leaving no room for Silas to redeem himself. Christmas had arrived and a sob worked itself up my chest, ugly and full of hurt.
Full of anger and confusion over why I was losing the man I loved to a monster that had ruined his childhood. I had been there for Silas. I had been the one to help him, to love him. To stand by him, and yet I was being pushed away.
It was Christmas, and I was alone.
Alec’s arms came around me, and as he pulled me tight into his chest, my fingers clung to his forearms. I realized too late, and after I was far too exhausted that we had moved to the bed.
But the broken part of me didn’t care. I hoped Silas would somehow walk in and be hurt by what he saw.
It was as far as I was willing to go. I would never kiss another man, or have sex with them…
but being held by one. To Silas, it would be the same as anything else.
My sobs echoed through the room until I finally fell asleep in the arms of my husband’s brother…and quite possibly his greatest enemy.